I Was Bored

That seems to be a running concept on everything.

Hi, look what came out of the woodworks.

I had thought to make a new blog. But then again, no one reads my ramblings but me anyway. It's a good way to gauge how my mental development and emotional stability was at that point in time.

Right now, I'm mainly feeling bored. And maybe slightly left out? And maybe a little discontent.

My parents are doing the separate not separated thing.

It's tiring as hell. And also trying as hell.

But then again. It is what it is.

Somehow I don't think that I should be resentful. But I do feel a little bit of distance with my mother. It feels like she was the one who ditched us in the end.

We're the ones being punished. Because it's not enough to take it out on one person (or two, as the case maybe. Maybe three if you count the little guy).

There's a reason why I don't move to tumblr. Mostly because text posts are frowned upon. Everyone is more into the fast and easy exchange of information through graphics and gifs. Maybe we've gone full circle and went back to pictograms as ways of communication.

That's another interesting point to ponder.

I maybe having a sort of crisis. An existential crisis. A crisis of faith. A crisis of humanity.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just bored in the end.

If there was ever a point to this entry. It was to test, how good am I at typing on my new keyboard. Since I bought a new laptop earlier this month. And I have not used it much for anything except listen to music and watch movies.

But then again, that was the reason I bought it in the first place.

I feel lonely.

I feel like I'm missing out sometimes. Like all I have is my job. And while I love it, I don't think it should be the thing that defines me.

Everyone's already moved to tumblr/twitter/what the other heck ever. And here I am, making a blog post. Mostly because I was bored.

And I wanted to use the keyboard to type. Other than to scroll over the timer of another movie.

it's is ironic that i cannot seem to be able to open this page in chrome

hah

eat my shorts

Of life, love, marriage and epic run on sentences which make less sense than I intended them to

So today, I am sitting here, on the floor of the living room in my childhood home, with my laptop on my knees, listening to Beethoven’s Allegreto Symphony no.7 in A major, OP.92 which I only know of because I searched the King’s Speech OST (it’s the music playing when his Majesty gives that speech through the radio at the end of the movie, wait, that might be spoiler-ish? Ah well.) Contemplating love.

Didn’t see that curveball coming didja?

Not really.

So last year, I made a post on Valentine’s day  (which you can read here, if you so ever wish) and I think that I came across as being rather cynical. I can’t help it, I am cynical. My default setting is sarcasm. Which sometimes people don’t get and they think I’m just being mean, though maybe they’re not that far of the mark. But would it really surprise you, if I said, really, truthfully, I do have a romantic side.

Gasp and call the Night Watch. Or something (incidentally, I do have all the Night Watch books, I just have never read them. Maybe One Day).

It’s not really news if I said I have not, ever, been in a relationship. I do moan and groan and complain about it a lot and in several past posts. It’s nothing new. But what if I said, that forever, I have wished for a love story so sweet, it will give me eternal cavities.

In all clichéd stories of life and love, my parents have known each other since form 1 in secondary school. And I have wanted something as awesome as that. Though, as you can probably deduce, that boat has sailed, been scuttled, and sunk into the depths of the Forever Alone ocean of unrequited love tears. But dramatics and run on sentences aside, yes, I do want to be loved. I do want an epic love story.

Surprise. I am, apparently, a little girl at heart.

But then, I think, what is love? Why do people equate it with a heart, which, really doesn’t even really look like a heart? Where do feelings come from? Why do people always say, follow your heart, when last I knew the heart, which is made out of special heart muscles, with special nerves, and special structures like fibers, chords, and flaps, that all, somehow, work together in synchronicity to make sure that we get the required amount of blood flowing through our vascular system so that we don’t get tired while at rest (stage 4 cardiac failure according to NYHA), does not, in any way, have any cognitive abilities. Making it unable to make an informed decision. Unable, to even make a decision. And yet.

I have a thing for run on sentences. It’s the common bane of all my English teachers. They obviously have not succeeded in culling my penchant for writing long, wordy nonsense. I have only deteriorated after my last English teacher in Matriculation.

But back to love. So? What is love. The scientist would say a mish-mash of various hormones induced by specific conditions to make your pupils dilate, your heart palpitate and a general feeling of warmness, maybe. Also, what happens when you get into a fight or flight situation, except different hormones. I dunno. I’m digressing.

I don’t know why, but somehow, I have worked into cultivating a very hard exterior in which, I am perceived as being, not romantic. I don’t read romance novels, I think watching romantic movies is boring, and while my friends are all, this is so sweet, that man is so romantic, I tell them that I have barfed a little in my mouth while observing their exploits.

Once a bunch of friends and I went book shopping. And among the books that ended up being purchased by my friends was a book, written in a vaguely religious manner, by a religiously educated person, on love. And marriage. And what we should do in this beautiful, wonderful, sparkly institution known as marriage. And I do not understand why she bought this particular book.  So, in the ever ongoing quest to obtain more knowledge, I asked her, why.

She said that when you come to a certain age, you’ll start thinking about these things. About growing up. I replied, but I’m the same age as you. We’re even born in the same month. Maybe you’re just a late bloomer, she said. Have you got a boyfriend Nona? She asked me. I said, no, unfortunately not. A look of comprehension dawned on her face and she said, that’s why. You don’t have a boyfriend Nona, so you don’t know how it feels. You haven’t felt the feeling of being in love and being loved. You wouldn’t understand. I think the conversation then went into tangents of how after I have fallen in love, I would probably change. I don’t know what I’ll be, but apparently, one of them would be a person who voluntarily reads self-help/motivation books on love and marriage and the lovely, beautiful and sparkly institution that is marriage.

And I abhor that answer so much so, because it makes me less human than her. And it is just really me, but it also implies that after having fallen in love, I may turn into a sycophantic human being who breaths and lives love and sentiment. Love pushes through my veins, kinda shindig.  And I hate that.

I may have never had a relationship but that does not mean that I have never been in love. And yet, I still don’t see the draw of reading the self-help, sappy long winded books of love, happiness and marriage genre.

The easy and oft used argument is of course, to each his own. And the more complex argument might include debates on child development, Sigmund Freud vs Erik Ericsson’s modules, nature vs nurture and maybe a long winded and completely illogical argument on why raspberry ripple will always top vanilla on the most awesome flavor for ice-cream in existence. But whichever way you say it, I think that in the end, love is so much more, marriage is so much more, and reading it from a cookie cutter, sugar glazed book is just so dumb.

It’s not like I don’t want to fall in love. Not that I don’t want to get married. Not that I don’t want to have a family of my own. It’s just that I think reading from those books, gives you very high ideals on how everything should be perfect. When in reality, it’s really not that clear cut. Sure you have ideals and motivations and some of them planted in you when you read so and so book or something but in the end, life is never what the books say. I mean, even all the things that have been written in medical texts have been researched and really the most general and common presentation of some such situation or disease, will almost never present the same. And that’s like, damn.

So, in essence, I think that reading those books is dumb and I’m just gonna wing it.

In the end, what made me contemplate love and all the convoluted reasons behind it, and marriage, and so many things that I cannot for the life of me articulate into a comprehensible sentence, is that today, is my parent’s wedding anniversary. And we know how that went off to.

I told my mother this morning, Happy-however-happy-you-want-it-to-be Anniversary. She asked me how to be happy. I told her to have a cookie.

Have fun contemplating life, love and the (apparently, to some books and people) lovely, beautiful and sparkly institution that is marriage.

akunona

"You can't expect everyone to be like you"

Simultaneously the highest form of praise and insult that a friend has said to me these past one and a half years of co-assitantship. This friend has also said that I am a different person at work and at home. Which is also, pretty damn observant of her but not the point of what I'm going to be writing today.

So, yeah. One and a half year of being a co-ass. How does that feel? One of the best sayings is;

"Koas itu manis untuk dikenang, pahit untuk diulang"

Sums it all in one sentence. Means basically that reminiscing is good, repeating is bad.

coughcoughwheeze

Back from Karawang since Saturday evening. It was fun, we had fun. Or at least, as much fun as can be had anyway.
Now exams are upon us, and I know sh*t. 8D

Watch me as I freak out. And there you have my current situation. (A small irritating voice is telling me I can handle this if I would just stop procrastinating on the net, but I killed it).

cheers

akunona

p/s: I'll probably write a more decent entry after all this is over. 

Breakdown

So I had one this afternoon. A break down. It was epic. Pathetically epic. Like hell.
I had my exam today. You know. That exam on that paper we were supposed to write in two weeks. It isn't just any paper. It is a study report. With basically no know how, we were directed to do a descriptive study at our appointed locations. And not to mention the lectures on how to actually go about making a study were held while we were doing our study. So, in essence, what it became was something like this.

1.  No one knew how the heck do we go about writing chapter three while we were due to present our progress (chapters 1 - 3) in three days. 
2. Every one went, just fuck this, we'll just follow what the theory says.
3. Paper gets done until chapter 3
4. Next day, lecturer comes in and teaches us how to write chapter 3 after the fact that we had already presented to progress report to our tutor where we were spectacularly yelled at for being stupid.
5. Rinse and repeat for practically every chapter.
6. Sometimes, though, if you're lucky, you'll get taught before you've proceeded. Though this is very not recommended because you have only two weeks to write it up. And it you waited for the lecturers to come in and teach you first, well. Good luck with that.

Basically, it was crap in a hand basket, thrown of a ten floor building. Fun. Like you've never seen before. 

But that's done. Paper got finished one day before deadline. I spent every day of this week coming home late, because I had to stay back and write that damn paper. With or without the help of my groupmates. We were a very cohesive group of bullshit. I still have residual headache. 

Then this afternoon, we found out where we'll be posted next, in the nooks. So, I found out I was posted in a four person group. One is my own group mate, whom even if I love with all my heart, I feel is too early that I have to work with her still. One is a guy who is pretty much not dependable. At all. You'd think a guy like that would have a sense of responsibility, and yet. And another girl who I have not worked with, have no idea how she works, and yet I am apprehensive because of my recent experiences. I don't know. I hate everything. The clinic we're posted to is apparently a new one, and no co-ass has ever been there before. Which makes it harder for us. And not to mention I don't want any extra responsibilities anymore. Seriously Let me be a sleeper member or something. Please. I want some one I can talk to. Some one who actually speaks Malaysian maybe. Why the hell am I the only Malaysian in my group? Seriously? Why? And then people keep saying that the division is fair. You get a well balanced group. I could die. Seriously. I could. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry again.

It was pretty pathetic. Like a kid throwing a tantrum. Yes. I am immature. I am stressed. I hate pretty much anything right now. I want to run away from all this crap. Give me a break. Or at least group mates whom I can enjoy myself with. Or something. Why does everyone else gets to go with their best friends? The heck is wrong with me? The heck is wrong with you? 

Like I said, I hate pretty much everything right now. Anyway.

I'm gonna go sleep now

"seriously, can I cut off your balls and call you a girl?"

akunona

In which Privacy is a thing of the past

So, yeah. As students, as pertaining to the fact that we had all started our clinical years and concurrently, our tour of duty, so to say, we had all agreed to find cheaper accommodations  As a result, right now, I live in a room with two other girls. It's all of course, well and good if the room was big, but it isn't. And as girls, the crap each of us has accumulated in these past years, is of course overwhelming. As medical students, we also have a crap load of books. Very thick, very heavy, very large books. Which are crammed every which way. There are also the photocopies, which are numerous and everywhere. Not to mention that I read everything, so, we also have a collection of novels, comics and newspapers.  Make up, clothes, random pieces of life, bags, tudung, toiletries. They are everywhere.

And then there are three bodies here. In which I mean there are three of us, not three bodies in the literal sense, because that would be creepy and ridiculously unhygienic. We can't move without stepping on each other's toes. If one of us lies down on an available part of the floor, she would effectively stop traffic in and about the room. If either of us stood just inside the door, they would be in danger of getting their head banged on the door, or being crushed under my book selves. Which is deadly, because like I already mentioned, we are  medical students. We have books thicker than my thighs.

It's hot, it's cramped, and privacy is nonexistent. You can hide in the toilet and people can still hear you cry. You can climb up to the roof, (which is actually where we hang out our clothes) to have a private conversation and people can still hear you if their doors are open, or if they walked out to wash cutlery (because the stairs up to the roof are situated above the sink.)

But then again, I have never been in company as good as this in ages. So yeah. ただ我慢して

In other news, I have a paper that still needs to be written. My group mates are mostly unreliable neanderthals and no one wants to take any initiative. I'm not going to either because I'm tired. It's always me. Gimme a break. And buy me an ice-cream while you're at it. Also, please, please, please, do your job. Or I swear I'm gonna start crying soon.

My other group, which is my PTM group, on the other hand managed to hold our event to little error. We were a little bit over time, but all in all, it was pretty good. Could have gone better, it wasn't perfect, but I think we did pretty good for a bunch of first timers. I had to give a talk during the second session. It went pretty well, sure some kids didn't exactly listen, but I had fun. It made me realize again why I want to teach. :) Apparently, some of my friends said I was pretty good. Managed to get a laugh or two. I had a good time. A little bit weak at the ending though. So can pretty much learn to do better.

Anyway, that's enough ranting for the night, time to sleep and hopefully dream of awesome things. Like Japanese boybands and being at their concert. Or you know ...

catch the half truth

akunona

and then, it died

"We got the halls boss!" 

 Hiya. I ain't dead yet. Though coming pretty close.

Lots of things happening. Babies being delivered and all that crap. You know. I'm gonna make this really short because my keyboard's wonky after I had it repaired the other day. Typing long paragraphs need more patience than I can spare right now. I'll have to get it repaired again soon. Right now, if I type, some other letter appears if I press certain ones. I am constantly editing this shit. Here's an example of an unedited sentence:

"hi my name ils nowna and i slike two draow becaulse i am bowred als aslls fuck.x"

guess which letters. The paranoid in me thinks its a ploy by making something else in my laptop not work, they're hoping to make more money of me. Sucks to them because I'm poor right now. Poor enough to put off repairs. A sad day.

So anyway, obstetrics is not fun business and I find myself actively loathing this shit. Like a slow burning hate kinda thing. Sometimes I feel fine. But then, there are days I look at the hospital and consider running in the opposite direction. Far, far away.

The picture above was drawn in a fit of creativity born from browsing peoples' deviant art accounts. And procrastination. Always procrastination. Somehow, I really want to do something like this. All the neon colors that I would never wear. I love Death Berry's colors and Flutter Shark's name. Wonder if I'll have the guts one day.

Back to the picture, it was drawn in mspaint directly on the base picture. To great hand cramps. I figure I'm going about it the hard way? But I like it. It's how I figured it out, so yeah. The original is a picture of me in scrubs standing in the OT at one of the various hospitals I've been posted. I drew on it, added that alien cat thingy to great amusement and voila, around three hours wasted. Ah well. You win some, you lose some. I didn't even realize so much time passed. Haha. If only I could emulate that same focus to studying :)

Anyway, that's all for today folks. I am this close to hitting my keyboard with a stick, so to avoid furthur property damage, I bid you Adieu.

killjoys be making noise

akunona        

There was once a sane person

There was also once a reason why I opened this window. I can't remember it now though. This window has been open for like an hour and a half, blinking cursor inviting words to be written. Memories recorded. But then I got lazy and watched cat videos. Or not really. Because I watched dance videos. Because I can't dance worth shit. And I also miss my kitties back home.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for the late on call shift. Supposed of course is being the key word here. I am currently sitting in front of my laptop, arms resting on a pile of books that I'm currently looking through so I can make a case analysis, wearing my orange sleeveless and maroon red three quarter shorts. In short, I look like a bum. A bum with wet hair that's tickling my back. Where the hell is my hair-jaw-clippy thingy? I have no idea what it's called.

Anyway, right now posting in Depok at RS Bhakti Yudha for Neurology. Neurology is pretty decent. I like the stuff. Though rather tiring work day here, since we have to be present for morning and evening clinics. And you know how they won't let you sit down and anything right? So yeay for wearing out the soles of shoes. I'm due in, in half an hour. I REALLY should be getting ready. Anybody carry a crow bar so I can pry my ass off this chair?

ARGHHHH!! yeay for latent laziness. Insidious onset, quick progression, fatal outcome. I'm really, really lazy. And random. And I hate everything right now. And I'm left alone in Depok right now because my friends had last night's shift and this morning, both of them went of back to Jakarta leaving me alone. Because I can't go back because I have the damn afternoon-night shift. Well fuck you too.

So! Enough randomness and get that mug of coffee going you dumb girl. You'll be needing it.

Bleagh

there really isn't much meaning to this

akunona

In which it probably isn't fair

But that's how life is. And we're all grown up now. I mean, being almost 24 and all, there is a certain sense of conduct that is expected of you. And of course you expect the same out of other people. We've been doing this coass shit for a near on a year. At least some sense of professional decency should have been instilled in you people (though I would like to take this time to point my own finger at my own face and say that I would do well to practice what I preach). It's all good and fun of course. But yeah. Work is work. No matter what you say.

Inconsistencies

Once, months ago, I woke up and thought why.

Why was I still able to get up today? Why am I still heading to the bathroom? Why am I getting ready for work like usual? Why are there sounds outside? Why are the cars still running outside, carrying people to work, or where ever?

Why is everything still alive?
Why is everything still normal?

 Today was a normal day. As normal as anything really. Then, I was crying. And I don't know precisely why.

Why?

Why am I not strong enough?

this sounds like a really bad break up just happened

akunona

what's telling you it didn't? 

Everybody's fool

So the other day, on Wednesday to be exact, I accidentally left my phone at home. I only realized that I didn't have it on me when Nadia and I were already waiting for the 159 bus to Tg. Priuk. And that's already too far away to turn back just to get your phone. So I decided, to hell with it, I'll just live without my phone for a while.

Incidentally, I was also on call that day, so I had effectively managed to leave my phone at home for almost two days.

Now, for most of us, this would be a very difficult situation. I mean, imagine all the awkward conversations you would have to join if you didn't have your phone to meddle around with and pretend you have something important to do with it, thus effectively ignoring normal human (awkward) conversation.While I was also worried that if anyone tried to contact me they wouldn't be able to, for the most part I was worried I wouldn't wake up because I rely rather heavily on my phone's alarm function.

I did wake up late incidentally, today. Not that late, but not the time I had wanted to wake up. But fear not, it wasn't any problem because everything went well. As well as it could be anyway.

So, after a long day at work not really doing anything because the wards are stupid, I went home. As soon as I arrived home, I sought out my phone and found it lying on my bed where I had undoubtedly left it in my mad rush to get to work on Wednesday.
I flipped it open to find that I had a grand total of 1 message and no missed calls. The message was from XL.

Yes, I'm rather sorry to say that I was slightly depressed at this state of events. Because then, I realized, that I was nobody's somebody. Or at least, that was what my brain said. So for a few minutes, I was sad. But hey, no news is good news. Meaning I didn't miss anything and nothing had happened while I had left my phone at home for one and a half day, except for a promotion for free new year's call towards your friends and family, terms and conditions apply.

Besides, I had my alarm function.

And so, we come to tonight. Tonight in which I had planned to not really doing anything if I didn't want to, but also do some work if I were to be so inclined. I was watching a drama on my laptop when suddenly my message tone rang out. Here is XL again, I thought. Maybe now they're trying to offer me free sms'es to my boyfriends and girlfriends, terms and conditions apply, I had thought. But when I opened the message, it was from a group mate, wanting to ask if I could take her on call shift tomorrow because she's sick, down  with the flu, "I'm at the hospital right now. I'm really really sorry." There's nobody else, can you make it?

Because I was confused, what is this new type of communication? Why is it not XL? I took too long to reply and she called me not five minutes after.

So, to make a rather long (not really) story short (shorter), I agreed to take her on call shift tomorrow. Even though I had only come off call this morning. But hey.

So then, when I disconnected the call, I realized that, this is what my phone was for. Only a device that permits other people to call me, message me and ask me for stuff, ask me for answers to questions that they cannot answer. At your beck and call.

Because, as you can see; if you have no reason to, you would not talk to me.

It's my fault of course. Being socially dysfunctional. Being a nerd. Being scary in person and otherwise.

 Of course I'm not supposed to complain. I can't mumble and grumble and bring it up. Because we are a group and team work means someone has to take the fall sometimes. Of course, in terms of hoping there are other people there to pick up the slack when you fall, tumble, get a concussion (not true of course, because you are in the end the person who does that job too).

But hey. What's another 30 hours?

I mean, there's no one left but me of course. Who else is going to get shit done? Everyone has their rotation. It just falls that I am the one who is just nicely free.

I'm fucking tired.  

Damn it, so what if I'm being selfish and complaining? I'm entitled. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be my face in front of the hospital tomorrow, over night bag in hand, settling down for another 30 hours.

At least I have my alarm function. Damn good one it is too.

akunona

and what which does not kill you

Ohisashiburi desu.

Hello. It has been a long time since my last entry. I am in fact very much alive.  A little bit worn down at the edges but still, breathing, living, making what I can make of it.

I'm sure you've heard but I am right now in Jakarta doing my Surgery and Anesthetics posting. Wonderful, because I am in Jakarta. Saves a bit in the house rent division, which is then all lost in the transportation expenses, because what ever you say, my dear providers, what ever you give me is not enough. Nope. You can say all you want about the exchange rate being in our favor or something some such, but living in Jakarta costs as much as living in KL. Dreadful, because it's the Surgery and Anesthetics posting and I am not really that interested and the consultants are scary.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. All I've been doing recently is more to the Surgery part of it. We usually get the anesthetics part when we go into the OT. I've been to the wards, the A&E and next week, I'll be in the polyclinic. The week after that I'll be in the OT. I'm not looking forward to it. Nope. Not at all. No matter what you say, scary people are eternally scary.

I don't know. Right now I feel tired. I've been doing this coass thing without a break since May this year. It's December now. That's over half a year. I haven't had a break yet. Nor have any of my friends. We're all mostly tired. We want a break. We want to go home, back to Malaysia. To take a break, recharge our batteries. Remind ourselves why the hell we're doing this. Why we want to do this. Then get back to work. Maybe we'll be better after that. Maybe we'll work harder, study more. Do our best. Right now, like we Temerloh people say, "Koi dah tak rot."
A little melodramatic maybe, but that's the truth.

Going to work day in and day out, sometimes for 7 days a week, and that goes on for the next week too, and the next week, until you meet your one free Sunday after about a month or two weeks if you're lucky. Not getting paid but in fact paying, so you can come to work, learn, observe, get shouted at. Scrutinized until an inch of your life. Say the wrong words and they judge. Do the wrong thing and they whisper behind their hands.

It has come to the point that for the most part, I do not care anymore. I'll do what I can, and if that doesn't meet your expectations, tough luck. I've been called passive when I think I'm the one who's the most hands on. Sometimes the others got to the status before me, they write down the history and the physical, but that doesn't mean I didn't take the history too. That I didn't do the physical. I don't like that you said I was lazy when I think I've tried my best. Granted that maybe I can do more, but give me some time. I don't really like these assessments. And we have cases. I am oddly apprehensive. I have never liked doing cases. Never have. Never will. To me they are evil . Yes, I agree that they are necessary, doesn't mean that I have to like them. And can't the doctor at least designate a case? Because looking for one is such a pain. More so when you're restricted to the third class wards. The available cases aren't a lot you know.

Tomorrow, it's to work again we go. This is my first free Sunday. I'm luckier than most that I only had to work nonstop for two weeks before I met my first free Sunday. Don't really know for the next though. I think I'm not on call on Sunday morning next week, but I am on call on Saturday. Which does not count because by the time you get home it'll already be around 9 in the morning and a Sunday is defined by the ability to wake up late and not give a damn, then bury your face in your pillow and go back to sleep. Anyway, we'll have to reconfirm that later.

I don't know. It just feels dull. I love what I'm doing of course. I love what I'm learning, what I have learned, what I can do. But at the same time, I want a break. I need a break. I want to go home. *sigh*
A lot of things have happened I guess. I've grown up? I hope so. I'm still skema of course. But mostly for the things that count. And I can make allowances when I think they're appropriate. I still don't know if I'll make a good doctor. I hope I do. I hope I am. I want to help. You know what they say about going into the medicine for the money? That's bullshit of course. If you want to do Medicine for the money, don't be a doctor. Be instead, the drug company. Or the company supplying medical appliances. Doctors don't get the money. Not, at least, without the blood, sweat and tears, occasional mental break downs, fights, social awkwardness fail, and growing old enough that finally, finally you have seniority. I hate hierarchy by the way. But it exists.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. I got to suture my first wound yesterday. Granted the guy was already dead so I didn't have to do all the necessary septic aseptic steps, and without local anesthetics or anything but it was, erm, fun? It was good for practice, the doctor on call said, so she gave me the chance to do it. Before you ask, let me explain, it's procedure at the hospital to suture the wounds even postmortem. So there. I was just glad I could do it. The end result wasn't as clean as I would have liked it though. It was my first try, I hope I get another chance soon. Actually piercing skin with a suturing needle isn't as easy as they make it look. Just so you know.

Anything else? You must realize that the topic jumps around like a bunny on crack after overdosing on caffeine, but I'll tell you what, I write this freely while my mind jumps. Into any topic. Whatever topic. There may have never been a topic to begin with. That's the best part.

Oh, and just so you know, my father came back from Taiwan some time ago, and bought me an Arashi "Beautiful World" CD. Haha. I had called him and asked for it as a joke actually. Never thought he'd actually go and buy it. I mean, if he did, then awesome. If he didn't, then I tried. But he did, and it's awesome. Not that I've seen it. I haven't been home in almost a year and work and everything. I mean, I can't believe he did actually. He calls any Asian boy band on television Arashi. They could be singing in Korean and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But anyway, thanks dad. :) I look forward to it when I come home.When ever that is.

Another thing about that thing. Will it happen? I don't know. I really don't know.

And congratulations to Furqan for finishing his SPM papers recently. Forget about the results for a bit. That's a story for another time. Right now, enjoy your holidays. There may come a time when you will never have a free day ever again.

And Happy (belated) Birthday to a certain someone. I don't think I'll ever forget you. You left too much of an impression. Don't worry though, it's not like how it was in the old times (it has been more than five years ago, surprising). You're just you. And I'm just me. You were kinda awesome. Just so you know.

So, enough for tonight's rambling. For what ever reason you find yourself reading this; may you find it entertaining, as I have found it fun to waste an hour writing on and off while putting of studying for a while. Maybe I'll do something productive. I don't exactly guarantee anything. Just as I don't guarantee this long composition has any contents.

Good night

may kill you yet

akunona

We want a cure for procrastination! When do we want it? Tomorrow!

I should actually be getting ready for work. But life is defined by the things we procrastinate. Humhaa

Last week at Simpangan Depok. I have Surgery and Anesthesiology at Husada next. On the plus side, I don't have to rent a new room because Husada is relatively near. You know, in the way two bus route changes and having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn is near. Ah, things we co-ass do to get to work where we are treated lower that that rag you have there under your feet. Fantastic. Moan and groan, moan and groan. But then I realize, I really love doing this stuff. Not like. Love. Then everything is fine, rinse and repeat. Because damnit Medicine.

How's life nowadays? Doing dine. Being rather free since I finished my theory exam last Thursday and my physical exam exam Monday. We're really just laying around. We still do follow ups, presenting patients during rounds, running to get labs, being on call and all that stuff though. But having sat through the exams brings a false sense of freedom. Not really, because like I said,we're still working. Anyway, holding the pediatric neurology file this week. For the last time. And it's a really awesome case though. Complex Febrile Seizure with history of seizure without fever. Pretty interesting but only to me apparently.

Apparently that person thinks that my siblings and I aren't mad at her because when we came to her house during raya a year ago, we weren't angry.

She apparently expected us to act like uncivilized children and scream her eardrums out or bash her head in using the trowel. Maybe I'll take her up on her offer. You know. Bash her flat screen with my bare fists, possible major injury be damned. But then a again, I am a civilized person. So maybe I'll just kick her kid when she's not looking. Or maybe not. That's just my emo talking. Anyway, lets all put our hands together, and bash a hole in the wall.

I have issues as you can probably tell.

Okay. So enough of that. Lets just get ready for work and face the day with a smile. while inside, a house is burning, the ashes falling like black, black snow and the smell of burning wood will be invigorating.

What the hell is with guys and damsels in distress anyway? I don't get it. Must I act like some victim to get a guy's attention? Please, tell me.

oh dear, i am so weak and need protection, what ever shall i do

akunona

there maybe issues that need addressing but damnit. I'll be okay soon

What is it that you want

A reminder to myself just as much as anything. This post will sound self serving and narcissistic, but then again ...

During my last week at Simpangan, my doctor, who was in charge of us there, told me something. He told me that I had to be strong. I had to be strong because I had to be the "back bone". He didn't say back bone per say, he used a different word, an Indonesian word : Jangkar. He said it meant something like the last wall. The last hope. Someone who people can go to for help. Something like that.
He told me that I am a leader. He said I have what it takes to lead a group. I may not do everything, but I make sure that what needs to be done, is done. If it isn't then I'm the type to do it myself. I pick up after people. Tidy the edges, make it neat, as it is. Get it done.
He taught me to make decisions. All of us had to make decisions regarding our patient's treatment, but he differed to me almost all the time. Even the most trivial questions like "Do we all have to go in on Saturdays". He taught me to consider every aspect, and take the consequences, if they are any.
He told me that I have a sense of responsibility that exceeds my own well being. A trait observed when I fell sick twice but still took care of the patients I had, until what ends I could.
He told me I was smart. And not to waste that. He wanted me to learn. Study. Gain more.  To go to the ends of knowledge and then some.

He told me I could be someone.

And all I needed was some polishing.

I've never had someone be so straight with me before. It was sort of embarrassing really. There are other things he told me along the weeks I was there. Among them being how I was a logical thinker but had a streak of imagination. A penchant for fantasizing. A very serious person, but I can still laugh. He asked me why I didn't laugh as much. Honestly, I don't know myself.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. Maybe because I've been thinking about this for some time. Basically, I've been thinking how I can achieve this. How I can be this. My mother said I'm most hard on myself. I have expectations for myself that are higher than even what anyone else expects of me.

But then, I think, is this really me? I'm normal. I'm below average. Can I do this? I only get anywhere because I almost kill myself to get there. I do this time and time again. Killing myself over and over again. There was once a time, when for class work, I ended up only sleeping 2 hours for a time span of two days. I have not heard of anyone around me going through such extremes to get their job done, and we're basically doing the same thing. And sometimes, when I think about it, I produce mediocre results compared to them. And they get more sleep than I do.

I want to achieve something. I want to be someone. But can I? Is this even the right path for me? Did I make the right choice leaving English for Science. For Medicine of all things. I love what I'm learning. But do I see myself actually doing this?

I want to be a good doctor. I don't have to be super good at it. I just want that if a patient sees me, I can help them. I can make them feel better.

Lofty expectations? A reminder maybe. That there is something to work for. No rest for the terminally ambitious.

So get of the net and go back to doing your presentation slides, bitch.

slightly thinky

akunona

conversations

friend: Nona!!
friend: How've been?
friend: Listen, I wanted to ask you something...
me : tut...
friend: ?? anyway...
me : tuuut...
friend: it's about this case I've been assigned
friend: it's really complicated
friend: ????? what?
me : tut... tut... tuuut...
friend: wth?
me : the number you have dialed is longer available. the number you have dialed is no longer available
friend: -_______________-;;;

i have too much time on my hands.

That awkward moment

That awkward moment when your friend says she's sad because she can't make it Thursday to lunch and our mutual friend had told her that it would have been awesome if she could have made it because "Everyone' s going to be there!!" and you smile and comfort her while thinking, damnit, you're not going to be there and this is the first you've even heard of it too.

Hi, welcome to my life of passing through other people's epic dramas.

I realize that the reason I seem to study so much is because I want to run away from my problems. I read so I won't have to talk to you. Hi, I'm a nerd by choice because I'm socially awkward.

+++++

And to escape this blue, blue mood, let's uplift our spirits by looking at pretty boys.

nino, photobombs with glee

arashi, pwning shades since forever

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's UEPOMU!

hi, meet shige, he's cute

And watch KAT-TUN's Run For You pv a couple of dozen times more for the head tossing and hip swiveling ... hips... swiveling....

hips ... swiveling

akunona

credit for pictures, everywhere. just, they are not mine.

Which cliff would you recommend?

So that I can jump off as soon as possible and at the best possible place.

Not exactly physically tired, but mentally weary. A lot to think about, a lot to puzzle out. I need better talking skills. Scripts are different.

Brain is tired. tired. tired.

I've been thinking about this particular case since Thursday and there's nothing I can do to get it out of my head. I have a perpetual headache and an undercurrent of anxiousness. Sleeping only helps for 6 hours. Yes, I sleep early now. Well, sometimes. Especially when I'm thinking of something I'd rather not think about anymore. Fairly a frequent experience nowadays.

I can do this. I've been at this since Thursday. I've worked hard. Something will come out of all that hard work. If shit happens anyway, well, people can all say that it is my fault for being stubborn. I will not put it against them. But I can say that I didn't give up that easily. And if shit happens, well, shit happens.

I hope it doesn't though. Oh please do not happen.

Here's to the last week of my psychiatry posting.

Bring it on. please be kind?

yoroshiku onegaishimasu

akunona

also, fuck lj for not being accessible at times like these.

Jar of Hearts

I opened this window not knowing what I wanted to write about. I never actually do, but sometimes I do have a rough draft in my head.

But not tonight.

The title for this post is the title of the song that I am currently listening to. It's a rather sad song. A melancholic kind of melody but I'm not really paying any attention towards the lyrics.

I'm pretty OK. Content I suppose. Sometimes I miss my family and my friends back at home, but that's usual. You get homesick like you get the cold. It hits you suddenly, then after maybe three days or less, it'll go away. Sometimes I'm bored to tears but I suppose I can still find things to do to fill my time. I should study of course. I can't really afford to fail again. But you know how it is. You know, some people might think that I study all the time, but not really. I mean, I laze about a lot. My allotted study time is pretty much the same as any other average student.

Recently, someone told me that I looked intelligent. That I had the look of someone smart. I said thanks and thought that this is the source of my problems, and maybe the main reason I can bullshit pretty good sometimes. I don't know myself. Though, on the other hand I have also been told that I look scary. And I'm rather violent. What with my daily death threats to my siblings. But they're my siblings. You know how it goes. Talking about siblings, I was looking through my picture folder when I came across a picture of my littlest brother. I wonder if he actually thinks of me as a real sister? I mean, yeah. What can I actually say? I've only met him once. And he's too small yet. Maybe when he's older? Maybe when things work out? I don't know. Would he take my death threats seriously? I know the others just laugh at them.

I haven't had to sleep on a bunk bed for 5 years and yet, here i am typing on my laptop from my top bunk. I did mention that we moved, yes? Here I have the top bunk in a room shared by three people, though I am going to have it all to myself this two weeks while the others go of to the hospital.

I got a few magazines the other day, Japanese magazines. Heh. But really, I can read a little of them, and I can get what they are trying to say most of the time but I can only do this bit by bit because, it is tiring. You might not believe that reading can actually be tiring but, believe me, it is. I'm self taught, and for the kanji I mostly do a lot of guess work. In a way, it's like a miracle that I can actually get what they're saying. Though really, for every 10 short sentences, I understand -fully- maybe around one and a half sentences only. When I think about it, I maybe doing this whole Japanese language thing wrong. Ah well. Who's to say?

Just thought I'd open a window and just type tonight. Would you believe me if I said that what I say usually goes through at least two to three strainers? It's really lame. But I just edited this. Again. Oh dear.

As I write this, I'm actually listening to Justin Bieber. I have no idea either.

I would like to write a message to a person who will never read this anyway but yeah, that's life, and I am poultry: Sorry to hear about the food poisoning. Take a lot of liquids. Drink 100 plus for electrolytes and also lots of plain water. You're feeling weak because you're getting dehydrated. I don't know what meds to recommend you for the food poisoning (yes I am stupid, and I forgot), sorry. But yeah. Liquids. And I suppose just wait it out. And hygiene. Hope you get well soon.

Did I mention I was some species of poultry? Yeah, well.

I recently realize I have an almost uniform length for my posts. Here's to hoping I break it in this post. ;)

Wake up Call

akunona

p/s: Closing line is a song title too.

Long time no connection

I finally have internetzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though this is on broadband. Which I recently bought, due to stories from seniors and preparations for the months ahead when I finally get to enter my co-ass thingy. And my previous internet provider being lame and leech-y, we terminated that and bought broadband. Oh my god.

Also, I am moving.

Not that I actually want to, but when the rent suddenly goes up without adequate warning, and what with us all having extra expenses recently, we decided to move. Actually, it's more like, we had to move. If we didn't we'd pretty much bleed dry. Or something. You can tell, I haven't been writing all that much. It's not coming out as I want it too. Hurmmmm....

Anyways, we are moving. My room is pretty much empty now, we're all sleeping in Aqilah's room for the time being. Tomorrow we move for real. In which, we're finally sleeping there. Or something some such. We're gonna share three to a room. So bye-bye privacy. And I'll have to make an effort to be less messy, or at least, contain the mess to my part of the room.

I love this house and am pretty sad to leave it. A sentiment shared by pretty much everyone right now. But, yeah. We can't help it. Or something.

I not being very eloquent nor intelligible right now. Ignore me.

I'm sad.

And my short semester class starts next Monday. I'm planning on taking Saturday and Sunday to read up on the subject, I cannot afford to fail of course. We'll see. Nona will do her best. Yeah.

headaches are daily fare

You know you should go and get a life when you find yourself looking at your antibacterial facial foam (the cheap kind) and wondering if over usage can cause resistancy.

Yep. trufax....

Anyway.

I do no want to talk about OSCEs. I refuse to be fucked up by this.

It's next Friday by the way.

And in between we have some classes and a test. I think.

See me not giving a damn.

I hate my life right now.

Can I go home?

I seriously hate this right now.

I'm having almost daily study sessions with friends and in my years of academical experience, this is my first study group.

I don't do study groups. Never have before this.


I read somewhere that You are defined by the things you think you will never do.

huh

making as much sense as my notes right now

akunona