Tough love, maybe

So, I was thinking, (pretty revolutionary, judging by the past few weeks I've been wasting doing nothing) about love, yeah? In the previous post and all that? So, in conjunction with my ability to over think and go off in tangents all at the same time, I was thinking about sick kids. Really, all the sick kids that I have had the chance to meet during clinicals. And also all the times, I myself have been sick during my studies. And how all my friends have been sick. And really, just about sickness in general.

What I was thinking was that, really, my mom did a pretty good job raising me.

You see, while we were living in Indonesia, back when there were only four of us in one house, my original housemates and I, every time any of us would fall sick, the others would go out of their way in taking care of them. Like say, Qilah was sick. Wan and Fiqi would make her bubur, bring her cool towels and maybe rub her head with this vile concoction made from Asam Jawa that would supposedly help with the headache and keep the fever down. Except for me. All I would do was maybe stick my head in the room and ask her how she's doing, I have some more paracetamol (if I had any) and if she wanted it, I was upstairs.

Some people would call me a callous and heartless bitch, but really, that's how I show I cared. If I didn't I probably wouldn't even bother to knock.

Now, what I mean to say is, I have never understood the need for over pampering while sick. I don't get why you need to make special food, have cool towels, and make vial concoctions from Asam Jawa. Thankfully, they never did any of that to me. And I'm generally fine with that. Sometimes they wouldn't even know that I was sick, and suddenly one day, I'd come down to the living room with no voice. And that's fine.

I once asked Aqilah about it. Was she bothered by the fact that I had never done any of those things that the others would do for her. Because I have never understood the need for all of it. And she said that she understood. My home life and theirs are vastly different. Mostly she just figured because my dad was a doctor, we never really had to care if we were sick or anything, but she wasn't exactly far of the mark.

As I remember anyway, when I was a kid, whenever I was sick with fever, my mum would tell me to get the green syrup from the fridge and drink it (somehow, paracatemol came in green syrup, don't ask me why). Sometimes, if we were really clogged up and couldn't breath, she'd make this special thing with Vicks and hot water, make us put our faces over it, and cover our heads with a towel so that we would breath in the fumes. She never really pampered us over much.

I don't know. That's just how I remember it. I always just went on with it whatever I was supposed to do, and eat my medicine so I'd get better.

You see all the television mums sitting at their kid's bedsides and taking temperatures every half hour and wiping down sweat or whatever, it is they do. And in my family, it was always, go take that medicine, and go to sleep.

It wasn't that she didn't care, no. It's just that she didn't pamper. If we were sick, sometimes we'd still go to school. Just because.

So when I listened to all my friend's stories on how, when they were sick, they would cry and cry and want to eat porridge or soup or have their mum lie down with them or something, I couldn't really understand why. And when that carried on into the now, when they were sick and would have all their housemates be worried, and go out of their ways to bring her stuff, I still don't get it. At all.

As you may have figured out, I never understood why some people would not go to work over a stomachache. Because I still would have. And I have. Of course if I was sick, I'd take other precautions like wear face masks all the time. If I had a headache, or a stomachache, or really anything, I'd still pretty much go to work. One time, I had a tummy virus and ran a fever that was 39oC and still went to work and stayed my on call shift. The rational at that time was, having to take over a friend's shift if they had covered mine would have been so bothersome.

So, yeah. I'm kinda glad I am the way I am. Though the bad side of it is that I tend to expect the same from other people. I'm pretty glad my mum raised me to be this person who I am now.

Once, when I was a kid and had a fever, I was sleeping in my room and my brothers had barged in and were making a lot of noise and I had woken up, but I hadn't opened my eyes yet and was generally cursing them to hell as sister's are wont to do. Then, my mum came in and made them all go out because I was sick. She then put her hand to my brow, to feel for a temperature and followed my brothers out. And I went back to sleep. When I woke up, she made me go get the medicine from the fridge for myself.

And that's how sick kids get treated in my home.

Thanks mum.

akunona

Of life, love, marriage and epic run on sentences which make less sense than I intended them to

So today, I am sitting here, on the floor of the living room in my childhood home, with my laptop on my knees, listening to Beethoven’s Allegreto Symphony no.7 in A major, OP.92 which I only know of because I searched the King’s Speech OST (it’s the music playing when his Majesty gives that speech through the radio at the end of the movie, wait, that might be spoiler-ish? Ah well.) Contemplating love.

Didn’t see that curveball coming didja?

Not really.

So last year, I made a post on Valentine’s day  (which you can read here, if you so ever wish) and I think that I came across as being rather cynical. I can’t help it, I am cynical. My default setting is sarcasm. Which sometimes people don’t get and they think I’m just being mean, though maybe they’re not that far of the mark. But would it really surprise you, if I said, really, truthfully, I do have a romantic side.

Gasp and call the Night Watch. Or something (incidentally, I do have all the Night Watch books, I just have never read them. Maybe One Day).

It’s not really news if I said I have not, ever, been in a relationship. I do moan and groan and complain about it a lot and in several past posts. It’s nothing new. But what if I said, that forever, I have wished for a love story so sweet, it will give me eternal cavities.

In all clichéd stories of life and love, my parents have known each other since form 1 in secondary school. And I have wanted something as awesome as that. Though, as you can probably deduce, that boat has sailed, been scuttled, and sunk into the depths of the Forever Alone ocean of unrequited love tears. But dramatics and run on sentences aside, yes, I do want to be loved. I do want an epic love story.

Surprise. I am, apparently, a little girl at heart.

But then, I think, what is love? Why do people equate it with a heart, which, really doesn’t even really look like a heart? Where do feelings come from? Why do people always say, follow your heart, when last I knew the heart, which is made out of special heart muscles, with special nerves, and special structures like fibers, chords, and flaps, that all, somehow, work together in synchronicity to make sure that we get the required amount of blood flowing through our vascular system so that we don’t get tired while at rest (stage 4 cardiac failure according to NYHA), does not, in any way, have any cognitive abilities. Making it unable to make an informed decision. Unable, to even make a decision. And yet.

I have a thing for run on sentences. It’s the common bane of all my English teachers. They obviously have not succeeded in culling my penchant for writing long, wordy nonsense. I have only deteriorated after my last English teacher in Matriculation.

But back to love. So? What is love. The scientist would say a mish-mash of various hormones induced by specific conditions to make your pupils dilate, your heart palpitate and a general feeling of warmness, maybe. Also, what happens when you get into a fight or flight situation, except different hormones. I dunno. I’m digressing.

I don’t know why, but somehow, I have worked into cultivating a very hard exterior in which, I am perceived as being, not romantic. I don’t read romance novels, I think watching romantic movies is boring, and while my friends are all, this is so sweet, that man is so romantic, I tell them that I have barfed a little in my mouth while observing their exploits.

Once a bunch of friends and I went book shopping. And among the books that ended up being purchased by my friends was a book, written in a vaguely religious manner, by a religiously educated person, on love. And marriage. And what we should do in this beautiful, wonderful, sparkly institution known as marriage. And I do not understand why she bought this particular book.  So, in the ever ongoing quest to obtain more knowledge, I asked her, why.

She said that when you come to a certain age, you’ll start thinking about these things. About growing up. I replied, but I’m the same age as you. We’re even born in the same month. Maybe you’re just a late bloomer, she said. Have you got a boyfriend Nona? She asked me. I said, no, unfortunately not. A look of comprehension dawned on her face and she said, that’s why. You don’t have a boyfriend Nona, so you don’t know how it feels. You haven’t felt the feeling of being in love and being loved. You wouldn’t understand. I think the conversation then went into tangents of how after I have fallen in love, I would probably change. I don’t know what I’ll be, but apparently, one of them would be a person who voluntarily reads self-help/motivation books on love and marriage and the lovely, beautiful and sparkly institution that is marriage.

And I abhor that answer so much so, because it makes me less human than her. And it is just really me, but it also implies that after having fallen in love, I may turn into a sycophantic human being who breaths and lives love and sentiment. Love pushes through my veins, kinda shindig.  And I hate that.

I may have never had a relationship but that does not mean that I have never been in love. And yet, I still don’t see the draw of reading the self-help, sappy long winded books of love, happiness and marriage genre.

The easy and oft used argument is of course, to each his own. And the more complex argument might include debates on child development, Sigmund Freud vs Erik Ericsson’s modules, nature vs nurture and maybe a long winded and completely illogical argument on why raspberry ripple will always top vanilla on the most awesome flavor for ice-cream in existence. But whichever way you say it, I think that in the end, love is so much more, marriage is so much more, and reading it from a cookie cutter, sugar glazed book is just so dumb.

It’s not like I don’t want to fall in love. Not that I don’t want to get married. Not that I don’t want to have a family of my own. It’s just that I think reading from those books, gives you very high ideals on how everything should be perfect. When in reality, it’s really not that clear cut. Sure you have ideals and motivations and some of them planted in you when you read so and so book or something but in the end, life is never what the books say. I mean, even all the things that have been written in medical texts have been researched and really the most general and common presentation of some such situation or disease, will almost never present the same. And that’s like, damn.

So, in essence, I think that reading those books is dumb and I’m just gonna wing it.

In the end, what made me contemplate love and all the convoluted reasons behind it, and marriage, and so many things that I cannot for the life of me articulate into a comprehensible sentence, is that today, is my parent’s wedding anniversary. And we know how that went off to.

I told my mother this morning, Happy-however-happy-you-want-it-to-be Anniversary. She asked me how to be happy. I told her to have a cookie.

Have fun contemplating life, love and the (apparently, to some books and people) lovely, beautiful and sparkly institution that is marriage.

akunona

Because I don't know either

there are some issues with resizing and my laptop keeps freezing at inopportune moments. So yeah, I gave up and have at it with the posting. Though the obsessive/possessive part of me cries in pain. 

Because I don't know either.

On another note, lungs yeah. They're kinda cool. Take care of them. And smoking leaves a bad aftertaste. 

slides away~

akunona

AKUNONA: THE GREAT 2012 BOOK CONSUMPTION REVIEW part 2

Have I ever told you that I really, really, really hate bureaucracy? Well, consider yourselves told.
It's all crap really. I hate it. It's needlessly complicated.

In other news, I am getting fatter. Which some people would say a good thing, but I have body image issues as well, so goddamnit.

And on with our scheduled program:

AKUNONA: THE GREAT 2012 BOOK CONSUMPTION REVIEW part 2

AKUNONA: THE GREAT 2012 BOOK CONSUMPTION REVIEW part 1

The End of The Beginning

Not that, that really means anything. A quote from Winston Churchill. Happy New Year, I guess. It is 2013. My brothers have gone off to school. And I am at home, lounging about doing nothing really. There is a reason, and a dilemma behind that, but maybe, at a later date, I will get back to that. I might do a bullet points post on reflections and the like. But I don't really promise anything.

I wanted to watch Arashi on Kouhaku this year. What with being home and all, it seemed like the perfect condition. But my parents won't let me get the channels on our cable. So I watched Arafes. Which, really? Maybe was even better than Kouhaku by thousands.

So, anyway. In the event of this New Year and everything, I thought I'd write an informational post. Well, slightly more informational than the usual fare anyway. I thought I'd write some thoughts/reviews on books that I have read during 2012. At least, the ones I remember reading. And so, without further ado:

AKUNONA: 2012 BOOK CONSUMPTION REVIEW part 1

This Great and Terrible Undertaking

So recently, due to reasons that I have yet to comprehend, I find myself very excited and very interested in History. Particularly World War II history. Now don't expect me to dive into an intellectual discussion of World War II and so on and so forth. I have never been taught to a decently high level on WWII. The history modules of secondary school education in my country being woefully boring and focusing more on the Malaysian aspect of it, I never really learnt all that much beyond the point of, yes we were an occupied country, the Japanese occupation was bad, the Malayan Emergency was very bad. And that generally was it. We have a really redundant education system where the focus of said education is exam taking with all the guts and glory to those students who score impressive amounts of A's in their national exams and no focus at all on what to do next. But that's another story. This current, meandering, slightly irreverent (and maybe irrelevant) essay is on what I found interesting about World War II. The story, not the war itself. Because if history has ever taught us anything, and in the case of WWII specifically, it is that war, is BAD.

"You can't expect everyone to be like you"

Simultaneously the highest form of praise and insult that a friend has said to me these past one and a half years of co-assitantship. This friend has also said that I am a different person at work and at home. Which is also, pretty damn observant of her but not the point of what I'm going to be writing today.

So, yeah. One and a half year of being a co-ass. How does that feel? One of the best sayings is;

"Koas itu manis untuk dikenang, pahit untuk diulang"

Sums it all in one sentence. Means basically that reminiscing is good, repeating is bad.

I won something! *gasp* and an unfortunate rant on Punctuality, or the lack there of

So last Monday, the 26th of November, my batch, which is the cool and totally awesome 2007 batch, held a goodbye dinner. Because we are graduating. At least, a majority of us are graduating. (where did my life go?) And among the many fun and tear-jerking things that we did that night was an award ceremony, in which we voted for people in certain predetermined categories and guess what? I won the "Book Worm" category by a landslide. My nerd spirit rejoices with this acknowledgement of profound book consumption. Though I think this pretty much shoots down any preconceived notions that I may have had for being, you know, cool. But it's a small part of me anyway. The nerd has really, and truly finally be acknowledged.

So yeah, I got this really cool hot pink sash which mentions my honorary status as resident book worm written in fairly cheap fabric writing ink thingy, and a cheap brooch. We had a limited budget, trust me, I know. I'm part of the committee. In fact I head the freaking dinner committee. In which now, I will gracefully segue into a small rant on punctuality and the amazingly depressing lack there of.

As head of the committee (unofficial head, I stepped in after the previous also randomly elected leader walked out on us because there was some problems with public opinions being too public and opinion-ish) organizing the thingamajig, I had made an announcement that said activities will start at 1830 hours. I had expected, that as would be doctors and all around already grown up and responsible persons, the latest anyone would be was 1845. And I was prepared for it. The worst case scenario was that we would start at maybe 1900 hours.

But woe is me, yet again, I have been proven too naive. The nerd has a very idealistic view on life in where people actually know how to read a clock. By 1900, there were only maybe less than 25 of the confirmed 71 attendees.

Yes. I call this, the unfortunate Malay Syndrome. Where among the things that happen in Malay syndrome is that, when they say that they are "on the way", it actually means that they are on the way to the toilet to get ready. They have not even dressed yet. The three little words that are guaranteed to make me cringe in despair, "On The Way". So, say you have a date, and you're there on time because you actually have a concept of time and said date is not even there yet. You call them, and they say, "Oh, I'm on my way." Or maybe, if said person is a man of few words, will then reply with OTW. Despair, because now you can safely say, that you will die of starvation before said other party is out of their house. I hyperbole you not.

Okay so maybe I'm being too dramatic. But I expected better of my friends. Even my committee minions were late. And that says something.

Also, I tell you, I am the only girl I know who can get ready in less than 10 minutes. I kid you not. Now that I have made that statement, I expect to be beating them back with a stick any day now. But I guess one of the things that I did wrong that day was because I forgot to factor the fact that women, at least, other women who are not me, basically needs a minimal of one and a half hours to get ready.

So yeah, take note.

Actually, I think the worst thing about this lack of punctuality is the fact that everyone expects it. It is a god given fact that any thing organized in this region will never start on time. And everyone expects this. And because they expect this, they will be like "I don't have to be early, it's going to start late anyway. We'll just be wasting our time if we go there early." And because everyone has the same expectation and reaction, they all come late and the ceremony starts late. And they're all smug like, "We said so."

But, what I think nobody realizes is that, when everyone expects and reacts that way, they are actually causing the entire thing to start late. Can you start anything when there are no participants? No. So we have to wait for them. And we wait for them. And we keep on waiting.

And because this is a mass reaction, even the committee expects and reacts the same way, making lateness inevitable. What happens is a vicious cycle of non-punctuality. (inpunctuality? is that even a word?)

It's a problem of behavior. The hardest thing to change.

And with that little note, have this really awesome poster I found at Pangandaran.

It's a poster that advises you to take Kina. An old drug used for Malaria. (We don't really use Kina anymore because of the bad side effects).

i'mma go read a book

akunona

Ear worm

You know, that song that's practically bored its way into your skull and there's no way you can get it out. No matter what you do, you are doomed to forever hum it. At least, until your brain kicks it out. But before that, you are doomed to hum it, sing it, jiggle to it and basically have it annoy you to the ends of the earth and back. And then, have you annoy everyone else with it as well, because you are physically unable to sing another song. Any other song. You might try, and manage a verse or two or a chorus before, when you realize it, you're back to humming that blasted ear worm.

So yeah. Dumb ways to die. SO many dumb ways to die.

I've been humming that absolutely all the time. And I just learnt the chords because, maybe, just maybe, giving it a form to come out with may abate its insistent droning in my head. Seems about alright now though.

So Anyway, I finished my degree? I think? I have another result that I'm currently waiting for and yeah, I really, really hope I'll pass.
Tonight I'll be off with some friends to this place called Pengandaran and The Green Canyon. Yeah, we know it's the rainy season and honestly, we don't care. I've finished packing my bag this afternoon, now all that's left is to wait for our ride. :)

I'll write about it soon. I've been planning to write some really long post about my co-ass experience but haven't been able to sit down and write, so till then, maybe.

Have a nice holiday everyone, Ignore the rain. It happens.

dumbest ways to die---

akunona

coughcoughwheeze

Back from Karawang since Saturday evening. It was fun, we had fun. Or at least, as much fun as can be had anyway.
Now exams are upon us, and I know sh*t. 8D

Watch me as I freak out. And there you have my current situation. (A small irritating voice is telling me I can handle this if I would just stop procrastinating on the net, but I killed it).

cheers

akunona

p/s: I'll probably write a more decent entry after all this is over. 

In which Privacy is a thing of the past

So, yeah. As students, as pertaining to the fact that we had all started our clinical years and concurrently, our tour of duty, so to say, we had all agreed to find cheaper accommodations  As a result, right now, I live in a room with two other girls. It's all of course, well and good if the room was big, but it isn't. And as girls, the crap each of us has accumulated in these past years, is of course overwhelming. As medical students, we also have a crap load of books. Very thick, very heavy, very large books. Which are crammed every which way. There are also the photocopies, which are numerous and everywhere. Not to mention that I read everything, so, we also have a collection of novels, comics and newspapers.  Make up, clothes, random pieces of life, bags, tudung, toiletries. They are everywhere.

And then there are three bodies here. In which I mean there are three of us, not three bodies in the literal sense, because that would be creepy and ridiculously unhygienic. We can't move without stepping on each other's toes. If one of us lies down on an available part of the floor, she would effectively stop traffic in and about the room. If either of us stood just inside the door, they would be in danger of getting their head banged on the door, or being crushed under my book selves. Which is deadly, because like I already mentioned, we are  medical students. We have books thicker than my thighs.

It's hot, it's cramped, and privacy is nonexistent. You can hide in the toilet and people can still hear you cry. You can climb up to the roof, (which is actually where we hang out our clothes) to have a private conversation and people can still hear you if their doors are open, or if they walked out to wash cutlery (because the stairs up to the roof are situated above the sink.)

But then again, I have never been in company as good as this in ages. So yeah. ただ我慢して

In other news, I have a paper that still needs to be written. My group mates are mostly unreliable neanderthals and no one wants to take any initiative. I'm not going to either because I'm tired. It's always me. Gimme a break. And buy me an ice-cream while you're at it. Also, please, please, please, do your job. Or I swear I'm gonna start crying soon.

My other group, which is my PTM group, on the other hand managed to hold our event to little error. We were a little bit over time, but all in all, it was pretty good. Could have gone better, it wasn't perfect, but I think we did pretty good for a bunch of first timers. I had to give a talk during the second session. It went pretty well, sure some kids didn't exactly listen, but I had fun. It made me realize again why I want to teach. :) Apparently, some of my friends said I was pretty good. Managed to get a laugh or two. I had a good time. A little bit weak at the ending though. So can pretty much learn to do better.

Anyway, that's enough ranting for the night, time to sleep and hopefully dream of awesome things. Like Japanese boybands and being at their concert. Or you know ...

catch the half truth

akunona

everybody living now

In response to a person, who isn't even our consultant, who kept running off her mouth, blaming us Coass for everything and anything under the sun while making jibes at our collective mental abilities and lack there of when the investigation has proven quite clearly that it wasn't us, nor was it ever us, I drew this.

Clearly I am dissatisfied with your biased judgement. Just because we are still learning, doesn't mean we don't know how to be professional. And any respect I had for you has committed suicide by harakiri. They have kept their honor.

Eat my proverbial bullets.

In other news. IT'S THE 18th TOMORROW!!!! I am excite. Thank you very much. Though I am still figuring out logistics as to how I'm going to get there. I can't be on time because work ends at 3 o'clock but to heck with it, I'll give it a go.

The picture was drawn in msPaint as usual, with mouse and a lot hand cramps. I still cannot color shit worth anything. And I enjoy drawing yellow artillery. I have no idea why.

Maybe I'll write something worthwhile some time later. There are things that have happened and really, they would be much proper subjects but, yeah. Yellow artillery.

making the point of a sniper gun useless

akunona

interlude

So today, I am exactly one year older than I was on this date last year.

Happy 24th Birthday to me. :)

Haven't been doing anything worthwhile though. I have exams these coming Tuesday and I'm supposed to be hunkering down over my books reading and reading and you know. But seems as that's currently not going anywhere, I decided to stop and write up a post instead. So hey

I'm sure that everyone would like to make wishes or what not on their birthdays. Or a general resolution or aim or what ever. I haven't had a thought in that general direction yet. So I probably not make any life changing decisions or changes on my principles or anything. I think I'll just enjoy whatever's coming. InsyaAllah.

Mum and Dad and the whole hoard are coming over this next Saturday! I am excite though not much can be conveyed through these words. Just so you know, I wake up everyday, reminding my self I'll be meeting them soon and getting giddy all over it. Mature I am not.

So yeah. Exams this coming Tuesday. Should probably concentrate on that. Then we'll consider going out to buy stuff and eat stuff and everything stuff.

may this year and the years to come be awesome

akunona

and then, it died

"We got the halls boss!" 

 Hiya. I ain't dead yet. Though coming pretty close.

Lots of things happening. Babies being delivered and all that crap. You know. I'm gonna make this really short because my keyboard's wonky after I had it repaired the other day. Typing long paragraphs need more patience than I can spare right now. I'll have to get it repaired again soon. Right now, if I type, some other letter appears if I press certain ones. I am constantly editing this shit. Here's an example of an unedited sentence:

"hi my name ils nowna and i slike two draow becaulse i am bowred als aslls fuck.x"

guess which letters. The paranoid in me thinks its a ploy by making something else in my laptop not work, they're hoping to make more money of me. Sucks to them because I'm poor right now. Poor enough to put off repairs. A sad day.

So anyway, obstetrics is not fun business and I find myself actively loathing this shit. Like a slow burning hate kinda thing. Sometimes I feel fine. But then, there are days I look at the hospital and consider running in the opposite direction. Far, far away.

The picture above was drawn in a fit of creativity born from browsing peoples' deviant art accounts. And procrastination. Always procrastination. Somehow, I really want to do something like this. All the neon colors that I would never wear. I love Death Berry's colors and Flutter Shark's name. Wonder if I'll have the guts one day.

Back to the picture, it was drawn in mspaint directly on the base picture. To great hand cramps. I figure I'm going about it the hard way? But I like it. It's how I figured it out, so yeah. The original is a picture of me in scrubs standing in the OT at one of the various hospitals I've been posted. I drew on it, added that alien cat thingy to great amusement and voila, around three hours wasted. Ah well. You win some, you lose some. I didn't even realize so much time passed. Haha. If only I could emulate that same focus to studying :)

Anyway, that's all for today folks. I am this close to hitting my keyboard with a stick, so to avoid furthur property damage, I bid you Adieu.

killjoys be making noise

akunona        

Backlogged events

Pretty much a lot of things happened in the time between my last update and now. I don't think I can get everything, mainly because the feelings are already different. Haha. Anyway. I'll do my best writing what ever it is I opened this window to write.

So Neurology posting has already ended last Saturday, today I started a new posting. Right now, doing ENT though still at the same hospital. It's sort of weird still being at the same hospital when all your group mates who shared all the ups and downs and the weirdness of the last posting together. I'll never get used to this. It sort of feels like being abandoned somehow. I know, rather dramatic but yeah. I end up feeling lonely. Like now. I'm still living at the same kost I used during Neurology, because moving is such a hassle and morning commute from jakarta is a nightmare born from the depths of public transportation hell. So yeah. But because Nadia and Atiqah used to live here to, it feels kinda weird. Not that I usually went to hang out at their room or anything, but the feeling that there's someone else there, sort of feels safe. Not that there aren't any friends here, there are. But yeah.

So ENT posting? Nothing to comment on yet. It's just been the first day. I'm sleepy and I don't really want to study. A feeling sadly, that has been prevailing recently. I say I'm tired. Not physically, the weekend really helped. But mentally. I can't take it anymore maybe? I need a break. That's what I want.

Actually, I want to go home. I really, really want to go home. But circumstances do not seem in my favor. Hasn't been. Doesn't seem to be heading in that general direction either. So, yeah. Kinda sucks at the moment.
I don't know.
Feeling kinda lethargic.

In other recent happenings, we were called the worst group ever to pass through the vaulted halls of the RSBY Neurology posting. Yeah. We were just that dumb apparently. Even me. But expectations are generally far from reality, and the reality is I'm kinda dumb as well. So yeah. You can take your expectations and shove it some place where the sun don't shine. Or something.

Question; if I don't reach (or even exceed) someone's expectation of me, is it my fault for not trying hard enough (or for not being smart enough) or is it their fault for being unrealistic?

I know who I'm blaming of course. If you know me well you would know as well.  I wonder if anyone knows me that well? Huh.

I have a recent vague feeling of being, well... vague. Like I don't leave any sort of impression anywhere. Like I just pass through. Like smoke. Or something. Maybe it's just me. I mean, I get surprised when people know who I am during pre-clinic days. It feels like I haven't made any deep relations. But I don't know why that feels so important to me right now.

One of my consultants during Neurology said to me,"I can see you have a lot of drive, but if you want to succeed, you should find friends who have the same drive as you."
In a way, he was telling me to not be friends with my group mates? I have no idea. But I was generally burnt out around the third week, so it was all down hill from there. At full speed ahead because some one cut the brakes.

And it all ended with a spectacular explosion.

Recently, I finished watching Matsujun's latest drama Lucky 7. Though for the most part there were only six because one of the mains had a movie filming as well and was unavailable. Haha. It's the first Matsujun drama I finished and actually liked since Hana Yori Dango. And that's saying something. Because Hana Yori Dango 1 was in 2007-ish. Or was it 2006-ish? Either abouts lah. Pretty awesome. Especially the action scenes. Because Matsujun is bad ass in it. Though Eita's character pretty much steals the show every time he appears. Maybe it's good he had to go for movie filming. Haha. Poor Matssun. But his new hair cut is cool.

I miss fangirling Arashi with my group of friends. We'd got to karaoke and sing japanese songs even if none of us actually know how to read kanji and sometimes end up making up words as we go along. It's fun. And we'd always try to finish the session with A-Ra-Shi. Hahaha. It's kinda cute.

Anything else? I should try to sleep maybe? Since I still have to go in tomorrow. Minor posting or not, it generally sucks.

Ah well. Till next time. When I make more sense probably.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to mummy. You're awesome. Because if you weren't then I wouldn't be awesome. And I am awesome. Which of course, means you're awesome. Logic. Pure and simple.

mixed

akunona

 

There was once a sane person

There was also once a reason why I opened this window. I can't remember it now though. This window has been open for like an hour and a half, blinking cursor inviting words to be written. Memories recorded. But then I got lazy and watched cat videos. Or not really. Because I watched dance videos. Because I can't dance worth shit. And I also miss my kitties back home.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for the late on call shift. Supposed of course is being the key word here. I am currently sitting in front of my laptop, arms resting on a pile of books that I'm currently looking through so I can make a case analysis, wearing my orange sleeveless and maroon red three quarter shorts. In short, I look like a bum. A bum with wet hair that's tickling my back. Where the hell is my hair-jaw-clippy thingy? I have no idea what it's called.

Anyway, right now posting in Depok at RS Bhakti Yudha for Neurology. Neurology is pretty decent. I like the stuff. Though rather tiring work day here, since we have to be present for morning and evening clinics. And you know how they won't let you sit down and anything right? So yeay for wearing out the soles of shoes. I'm due in, in half an hour. I REALLY should be getting ready. Anybody carry a crow bar so I can pry my ass off this chair?

ARGHHHH!! yeay for latent laziness. Insidious onset, quick progression, fatal outcome. I'm really, really lazy. And random. And I hate everything right now. And I'm left alone in Depok right now because my friends had last night's shift and this morning, both of them went of back to Jakarta leaving me alone. Because I can't go back because I have the damn afternoon-night shift. Well fuck you too.

So! Enough randomness and get that mug of coffee going you dumb girl. You'll be needing it.

Bleagh

there really isn't much meaning to this

akunona

Famous last words

So, my day in memorable comments and conversations :

Scene 1.

During a case presentation where I was being lectured for writing a conclusion to my paper;

"You took all these from books right? You basically copied these from books didn't you? So why are you making a conclusion? Do you think that you are smarter than the authors that you can make a conclusion to what they have written? You think you're smarter than them? Of course not, right? I mean, you're still studying. You're still student? You don't need this. This is wrong."

Here I am pointing out that, my conclusion itself wasn't in any way wrong. It was the fact that I actually made/wrote a conclusion that she found unforgivable. Of course, then I would like to point out that my conclusion consisted of me, basically summarizing what ever it is that I read from various books, in simpler words in my understanding. Which is, I think, a process of learning. It's me, the student, digesting what I have learned, and putting it in the way that I understand. I, of course, would have gladly appreciated if she had said the conclusion I had drawn was mistaken. Because, let's face it, I am still learning. Maybe I understood it wrong. That would have been very, very helpful. Not only to me, but to my group mates as well. But to say that I was wrong for even drawing a conclusion. I am confused. Do you want me to learn or not? If so in what way? Swallowing that one book whole? Because you do not accept my other references. You insist on your blood purity. Even if it is incomplete. Because I did read it. Many times. There are some parts which are just not there but exists in other books. Am I wrong for seeking information? But then again, I have a tutor who has actively lectured me for drawing conclusions to what I have learned. I was also, in a round about way, called stupid.


Scene 2.

While changing in the nurse's changing room, I made small talk with the OT's head nurse. It is relevant information to know that I speak acceptable Indonesian. To the point some think me a local instead of an international student.

BM : So wait a minute, are you Indonesian or Malaysian?
Me : I'm Malaysian.
BM : Really? But I thought you were Indonesian! I didn't know that Malaysians came in such a small size,
         and you're so dark too!

Me : .......
        I'm sorry, I'm very dark skinned. (-_-')


The sad thing is, most of my group mates right now, at least the girls, are very pretty and have fair skin.

I'll try bathing in sun screen from here on out.



Exams probably, next week. The only one confirmed is my Anesthesiology test on Tuesday. I need to start cracking down on that studying thing. Bye-bye!

killer one liners

akunona

BRAINS BRAINS COFFEE BRAINS

There's this old app that was developed by a group of Japanese engineers. It's called the "Nounai maker" and it's supposed to draw a map of your brain from your name. It gained popularity sometime in 2007 or 2008, maybe earlier. I've done it before but I just thought I'd gander about there today. It's pretty fun stuff. Unfortunately, since it's from Japan, it uses kanji to map your brain out. But give it a try anyway if you want to.

To give you a picture of how accurate it is, here's my brain maps for today as Aisya Bahari and as akunona :)

Aisya Bahari : The white kanji is for 'Rest' or 'Holiday' Since Aisya Bahari has been a coass non stop for almost a year with no rest, this is about as accurate as it can get. The blue kanji stands for 'Friends'. Because I love them like that. :)

akunona : The green kanji is 'Food', the clearly pink kanji is 'Love' and the pale-pinkish-what-color-is-that kanji is 'Secret'. So, yeah, akunona probably isn't telling you something. Though she wishes for some food right now. And lamenting on her single life. Or maybe not.

Nounai maker

So have fun procrastinating. My job here is done. Oh and just so you know, apparently this Nounai maker is case sensitive.

my brain that is

akunona

and what which does not kill you

Ohisashiburi desu.

Hello. It has been a long time since my last entry. I am in fact very much alive.  A little bit worn down at the edges but still, breathing, living, making what I can make of it.

I'm sure you've heard but I am right now in Jakarta doing my Surgery and Anesthetics posting. Wonderful, because I am in Jakarta. Saves a bit in the house rent division, which is then all lost in the transportation expenses, because what ever you say, my dear providers, what ever you give me is not enough. Nope. You can say all you want about the exchange rate being in our favor or something some such, but living in Jakarta costs as much as living in KL. Dreadful, because it's the Surgery and Anesthetics posting and I am not really that interested and the consultants are scary.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. All I've been doing recently is more to the Surgery part of it. We usually get the anesthetics part when we go into the OT. I've been to the wards, the A&E and next week, I'll be in the polyclinic. The week after that I'll be in the OT. I'm not looking forward to it. Nope. Not at all. No matter what you say, scary people are eternally scary.

I don't know. Right now I feel tired. I've been doing this coass thing without a break since May this year. It's December now. That's over half a year. I haven't had a break yet. Nor have any of my friends. We're all mostly tired. We want a break. We want to go home, back to Malaysia. To take a break, recharge our batteries. Remind ourselves why the hell we're doing this. Why we want to do this. Then get back to work. Maybe we'll be better after that. Maybe we'll work harder, study more. Do our best. Right now, like we Temerloh people say, "Koi dah tak rot."
A little melodramatic maybe, but that's the truth.

Going to work day in and day out, sometimes for 7 days a week, and that goes on for the next week too, and the next week, until you meet your one free Sunday after about a month or two weeks if you're lucky. Not getting paid but in fact paying, so you can come to work, learn, observe, get shouted at. Scrutinized until an inch of your life. Say the wrong words and they judge. Do the wrong thing and they whisper behind their hands.

It has come to the point that for the most part, I do not care anymore. I'll do what I can, and if that doesn't meet your expectations, tough luck. I've been called passive when I think I'm the one who's the most hands on. Sometimes the others got to the status before me, they write down the history and the physical, but that doesn't mean I didn't take the history too. That I didn't do the physical. I don't like that you said I was lazy when I think I've tried my best. Granted that maybe I can do more, but give me some time. I don't really like these assessments. And we have cases. I am oddly apprehensive. I have never liked doing cases. Never have. Never will. To me they are evil . Yes, I agree that they are necessary, doesn't mean that I have to like them. And can't the doctor at least designate a case? Because looking for one is such a pain. More so when you're restricted to the third class wards. The available cases aren't a lot you know.

Tomorrow, it's to work again we go. This is my first free Sunday. I'm luckier than most that I only had to work nonstop for two weeks before I met my first free Sunday. Don't really know for the next though. I think I'm not on call on Sunday morning next week, but I am on call on Saturday. Which does not count because by the time you get home it'll already be around 9 in the morning and a Sunday is defined by the ability to wake up late and not give a damn, then bury your face in your pillow and go back to sleep. Anyway, we'll have to reconfirm that later.

I don't know. It just feels dull. I love what I'm doing of course. I love what I'm learning, what I have learned, what I can do. But at the same time, I want a break. I need a break. I want to go home. *sigh*
A lot of things have happened I guess. I've grown up? I hope so. I'm still skema of course. But mostly for the things that count. And I can make allowances when I think they're appropriate. I still don't know if I'll make a good doctor. I hope I do. I hope I am. I want to help. You know what they say about going into the medicine for the money? That's bullshit of course. If you want to do Medicine for the money, don't be a doctor. Be instead, the drug company. Or the company supplying medical appliances. Doctors don't get the money. Not, at least, without the blood, sweat and tears, occasional mental break downs, fights, social awkwardness fail, and growing old enough that finally, finally you have seniority. I hate hierarchy by the way. But it exists.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. I got to suture my first wound yesterday. Granted the guy was already dead so I didn't have to do all the necessary septic aseptic steps, and without local anesthetics or anything but it was, erm, fun? It was good for practice, the doctor on call said, so she gave me the chance to do it. Before you ask, let me explain, it's procedure at the hospital to suture the wounds even postmortem. So there. I was just glad I could do it. The end result wasn't as clean as I would have liked it though. It was my first try, I hope I get another chance soon. Actually piercing skin with a suturing needle isn't as easy as they make it look. Just so you know.

Anything else? You must realize that the topic jumps around like a bunny on crack after overdosing on caffeine, but I'll tell you what, I write this freely while my mind jumps. Into any topic. Whatever topic. There may have never been a topic to begin with. That's the best part.

Oh, and just so you know, my father came back from Taiwan some time ago, and bought me an Arashi "Beautiful World" CD. Haha. I had called him and asked for it as a joke actually. Never thought he'd actually go and buy it. I mean, if he did, then awesome. If he didn't, then I tried. But he did, and it's awesome. Not that I've seen it. I haven't been home in almost a year and work and everything. I mean, I can't believe he did actually. He calls any Asian boy band on television Arashi. They could be singing in Korean and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But anyway, thanks dad. :) I look forward to it when I come home.When ever that is.

Another thing about that thing. Will it happen? I don't know. I really don't know.

And congratulations to Furqan for finishing his SPM papers recently. Forget about the results for a bit. That's a story for another time. Right now, enjoy your holidays. There may come a time when you will never have a free day ever again.

And Happy (belated) Birthday to a certain someone. I don't think I'll ever forget you. You left too much of an impression. Don't worry though, it's not like how it was in the old times (it has been more than five years ago, surprising). You're just you. And I'm just me. You were kinda awesome. Just so you know.

So, enough for tonight's rambling. For what ever reason you find yourself reading this; may you find it entertaining, as I have found it fun to waste an hour writing on and off while putting of studying for a while. Maybe I'll do something productive. I don't exactly guarantee anything. Just as I don't guarantee this long composition has any contents.

Good night

may kill you yet

akunona

We want a cure for procrastination! When do we want it? Tomorrow!

I should actually be getting ready for work. But life is defined by the things we procrastinate. Humhaa

Last week at Simpangan Depok. I have Surgery and Anesthesiology at Husada next. On the plus side, I don't have to rent a new room because Husada is relatively near. You know, in the way two bus route changes and having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn is near. Ah, things we co-ass do to get to work where we are treated lower that that rag you have there under your feet. Fantastic. Moan and groan, moan and groan. But then I realize, I really love doing this stuff. Not like. Love. Then everything is fine, rinse and repeat. Because damnit Medicine.

How's life nowadays? Doing dine. Being rather free since I finished my theory exam last Thursday and my physical exam exam Monday. We're really just laying around. We still do follow ups, presenting patients during rounds, running to get labs, being on call and all that stuff though. But having sat through the exams brings a false sense of freedom. Not really, because like I said,we're still working. Anyway, holding the pediatric neurology file this week. For the last time. And it's a really awesome case though. Complex Febrile Seizure with history of seizure without fever. Pretty interesting but only to me apparently.

Apparently that person thinks that my siblings and I aren't mad at her because when we came to her house during raya a year ago, we weren't angry.

She apparently expected us to act like uncivilized children and scream her eardrums out or bash her head in using the trowel. Maybe I'll take her up on her offer. You know. Bash her flat screen with my bare fists, possible major injury be damned. But then a again, I am a civilized person. So maybe I'll just kick her kid when she's not looking. Or maybe not. That's just my emo talking. Anyway, lets all put our hands together, and bash a hole in the wall.

I have issues as you can probably tell.

Okay. So enough of that. Lets just get ready for work and face the day with a smile. while inside, a house is burning, the ashes falling like black, black snow and the smell of burning wood will be invigorating.

What the hell is with guys and damsels in distress anyway? I don't get it. Must I act like some victim to get a guy's attention? Please, tell me.

oh dear, i am so weak and need protection, what ever shall i do

akunona

there maybe issues that need addressing but damnit. I'll be okay soon