just listening to music

Life as a houseman pretty much sucks.

But that's expected. That's pretty much old news

I'm doing pediatrics now and I'm usually so stressed, I feel like crying every time I'm about to go to work.

I have a theory:

Baby's cries are geared at a frequency that is supposed to get your attention. I mean, babies can't communicate, right? So how else are they going to get attention? 

As a pediatric houseman working at the neonate ward, I am exposed, for long hours every day, to the incessant crying of various brats. And there's really nothing much that I can do about it. I mean, if I were to check on every crying baby, I wouldn't get any work done. And there isn't only one baby. There are literally dozens of babies in the SCN. And there is no single hour were there aren't at least two of them who are crying. 

So, what does this mean?

It means that I am exposed to long hours of crying that are especially geared to stimulate a response in my brain to find out and stop that source of crying. But because I can't do that, it continues to aggravate said stimulus until I am really, really, really fucking stressed.

And that is why, all peads housemen, working at neonate wards are unduly stressed. We're stressed. We just don't know why, really. I mean, work is stressful, yes. But it's really, really bad down here. 

And that's my theory.

I could probably do a study on this. If I was ever so diligent.

But I took that part of me to the back room and shot it in the head ages ago.

So yeah...

I hate peads. 

I really, really do.

Sometimes, I'm really jealous of the people who have the guts to get out of medicine. Just pack up and leave the entire industry.

I think I might want to. But then again, I really love what I'm doing. And I'm not even kidding. I would miss this. Somehow.

Even if I'm not doing that great of a job at it.

I think I'm going to be extended here. 

Do I care? A little bit. I don't want to have to do this longer than I should. But maybe, if I were to be extended. It would be my fault. And I can't really blame anyone for it.

It's been one month and I still haven't gotten the hang of all this shit. 

So that's why, every time I can get away with it, I usually have one earphone jammed into one ear. 

Because I still need the other one to hear orders. 

breaking a little bit

akunona

Alive, but Barely

I've been thinking of writing an entry for ages really. But seeing as that sleep right now is priority number one, cuts pretty much into any internet time that I may have previously had.

So what's new?

I am currently working as a house officer aka Houseman aka kuli aka oi budak bodoh, at Hospital Temerloh. Yes, I am currently working at the same place as my dad. There are a lot of pros and cons in working at the same hospital, but I'm not going there today. That maybe some topic for a future post after I've gone through more of this.

How is it?

Pretty hectic. Thank god for flexi hours. If not, then hey, I'd be at work right now, hips aching, knees knocking and feet contemplating suicide.

Do I like it?

It's a constant push and pull between loving it to death and driving me to death. I love working. When I get to work, I work. I work and I work and I work. I maybe still incompetent and a damned slow worker that my other colleagues are constantly scoffing at me for being so goddamned slow you damn bitch (course they never say it to my face, but years of social interaction has at least taught me to be paranoid). But I work. At least, I try my best at it. I do my best, and if I know that I'm not able to do it, then I know when to ask for help.

But at the same time, I dread going to work every day. The feeling multiplies ten fold after I have received an off day. Like after being post call and having a day off where I sleep and watch tv and surf the net and when I know that tomorrow I have work again, I feel, depressed. I don't want to go. (But I do anyway) . Like right now. I'm having my allocated weekend off for the month. Which means I have had two days of rest. I should be calm, composed, rested, prepared to face a new day of work tomorrow. But still, deep in the reserves of my heart, I dread tomorrow. A feeling of trepidation. I don't want to go. But what the hell can I do about it? I still have to. My sense of responsibility, my integrity, and the simple fact that I would feel bad if I didn't go to work no matter how much I don't want to. It's disconcerting.

So, a day's contemplation. I like it, I hate it. I'm still going back because I'd hate myself if I didn't.

I don't mean to scare anybody off. Everybody's entitled to make their own opinions about it. You need to actually be here before you can say anything. So, to any future housemen reading this. This is just my experience. Maybe you'll be a gung ho, all for it, good worker. You'll see when you get there.

Like I am right now.

I was scared that I won't be able to handle getting yelled at.

But after being yelled at almost every day for the last three weeks or so, I'm pretty fine with it. Yes, sometimes I get depressed. But I'm just glad that I can let it go.

So in the end?

It's complicated. The road is still long. I'm still a first poster barely into my first month of being a houseman. I have so many things to learn. So many things to try. So many things. Period. I'll keep trying my best. I guess. I'll keep trying. Even if I have to pry my ass off my bed every morning and pep talk myself in the mirror every damned day just so I will go to work and do my lot. I will. I'll try. Not for anyone else but for me. Because I hope I can do this. I want to do this.

Insya Allah. God willing. Help me to be a good doctor, help me to heal. If it's not for me to heal, then for me to alleviate the pain. To help my patients. To be a good doctor. For my religion, for my race, for my country. For my patients.

Insya Allah.

Bismillah, semangat nona!!!

akunona