I Find It All Relatively Humerus

That title is not misspelled.
To those who are able to figure it out, yes, I am in my orthopedics posting. To those who could not, well, I'm in my orthopedics posting.

It's by far the most relaxed posting that I have ever been in. Of course there are still the hours of ceaseless palpitations when we're preparing for the scary specialists, but after rounds we're all back to normal. And even the other medical officers and even specialists commiserate regarding the ReallyScarySpecialist (heretofore the RSS). Everyone's kinda scared of her. Or at least, really do not want to make her mad. Just for the sake of the human race, or really, just our hearing capabilities.

So what's new?

Nothing much on this end except work, work, and, you guessed it, work. Maybe I'm a little more settled? But that's neither here nor there.

It took 1 year for me to at least gain some confidence.

But, let me reassure all those housemen out there, during first posting, when you're thinking I cannot possibly memorize all my patients. One day, you'll be able to memorize all the patients in your wards.

It takes time.

I haven't really grown up any better. I still feel the same.

Though sometimes I'd like to think that I should make a change. Do my best. Not for myself, but for my patients.

InsyaAllah, boleh.

just listening to music

Life as a houseman pretty much sucks.

But that's expected. That's pretty much old news

I'm doing pediatrics now and I'm usually so stressed, I feel like crying every time I'm about to go to work.

I have a theory:

Baby's cries are geared at a frequency that is supposed to get your attention. I mean, babies can't communicate, right? So how else are they going to get attention? 

As a pediatric houseman working at the neonate ward, I am exposed, for long hours every day, to the incessant crying of various brats. And there's really nothing much that I can do about it. I mean, if I were to check on every crying baby, I wouldn't get any work done. And there isn't only one baby. There are literally dozens of babies in the SCN. And there is no single hour were there aren't at least two of them who are crying. 

So, what does this mean?

It means that I am exposed to long hours of crying that are especially geared to stimulate a response in my brain to find out and stop that source of crying. But because I can't do that, it continues to aggravate said stimulus until I am really, really, really fucking stressed.

And that is why, all peads housemen, working at neonate wards are unduly stressed. We're stressed. We just don't know why, really. I mean, work is stressful, yes. But it's really, really bad down here. 

And that's my theory.

I could probably do a study on this. If I was ever so diligent.

But I took that part of me to the back room and shot it in the head ages ago.

So yeah...

I hate peads. 

I really, really do.

Sometimes, I'm really jealous of the people who have the guts to get out of medicine. Just pack up and leave the entire industry.

I think I might want to. But then again, I really love what I'm doing. And I'm not even kidding. I would miss this. Somehow.

Even if I'm not doing that great of a job at it.

I think I'm going to be extended here. 

Do I care? A little bit. I don't want to have to do this longer than I should. But maybe, if I were to be extended. It would be my fault. And I can't really blame anyone for it.

It's been one month and I still haven't gotten the hang of all this shit. 

So that's why, every time I can get away with it, I usually have one earphone jammed into one ear. 

Because I still need the other one to hear orders. 

breaking a little bit

akunona

of sleeping in chairs

So, long time no update. Which is really to be expected. For the most part I spend hours a day typing into a computer. Mostly clerking notes. So when I get home, I ain't doing no more typing.
Though maybe not.

Currently already finished my surgical posting and well into my second posting, which is O&G. It's usually pretty nice. Minus the screaming ladies and babies. Which pretty much constitutes the whole job. But you get my drift.
I'm on  holiday right now. I was on the night shift on Wednesday, so I have half of Thursday and Friday off. Then I have my allotted weekend off. So that gives me a shit load of off days. Of which I am enjoying by accompanying my mum all the way to Perlis so that we can visit my brother/her son. It's all pretty fine and dandy but a bus trip to Perlis takes around 10 hours.

Which brings me to my title: of sleeping in chairs.

Because that was the second night in a row that I did not get to sleep in a real bed.

So. As I have mentioned earlier, I had the night shift on Wednesday. What this usually constitutes is I go to work at 9 pm, and finish work at 12 noon the next day. What ever people say about you being at work and are not supposed to be sleeping, ignore those bastards because they probably have never worked a night before in their lives. While working nights, if there is nothing going on, all your patient's are sleeping and no one's in any need of anything right now, get some rest. Take a nap. Even if it's only for 10 minutes, grab some shut eye. Because whatever people say, it's night. Your body has basically been programmed to shut down when it's dark outside.

But here lies the conundrum; where to sleep?

The hospital of course does have rooms where on call officers are allowed to sleep. There's even a complex which no one uses because it's too out of the way. There are rooms in each ward, but those are usually conquered by medical officers with a higher pay grade than you. And besides, those rooms are also usually out of the way.

In these cases, I for one, always opt to sleep in chairs. Whether it be in the chair in the office next to the nurses' counter, or at the nurses' counter itself.

Because I have a need to be on hand if anything happens.

And so, I spend a lot of time sleeping in chairs.

I've slept in office chairs, plastic chairs, plastic-all-in-one-row waiting room chairs and one time, a bench in front of the nurses's counter where I lay down to sleep, much to the hilarity of the working staff nurses that night.

And I believe that all this experience has made me a connoisseur of sleeping in chairs. So here are some tips I'd like to share with you.

1. Always stretch out your legs.
If you can, always grab at least two chairs. Use the less comfortable one to put your feet on. Lean back as far as you can go without your ass hanging in air, and sleep.
Why? Because I have piss poor circulation and when I sleep with my legs hanging/mildly compressed at main vein points, my legs fall asleep too fast and when I wake up, I can't feel them, or I immediately get cramps.
If you can get three, line them up in a row and lie down and sleep.

2. If you can find a surface for your head, use it.
Your neck will love you for it. Because there's only so much a hand under your chin can do.

3. Find a comfortable position.
Or whatever's relatively comfortable. Because face it, you're sleeping on chair, not a spring mattress.
I slept princess-style on an office chair once. I woke up and couldn't walk for 5 minutes because my legs fell asleep and cramps. I also curled up in an office chair and woke up to a colleague yelling because he thought there wasn't anyone on the chair. I screamed too.

4. And the best advice for last
- if you can find a comfortable flat surface, sleep there. Because, a hard floor is a by far more comfortable than a chair will ever be. Unless it's one of those reclining, sleeping chairs, because those are the bomb.

On another note, I had to write this down somewhere because I sort of have to.

On the bus to Perlis, while sleeping in a chair for my second night in a row (though by far more comfortable), I had a dream. I dreamed that this one guy, that I loved so long ago, said he loved me. And it felt so beautiful, that I woke up and smiled. Even if it was just a dream.

I know it's dumb, but I can't help it.

I hope he's doing great. And that, where ever he is, he's loved.

ain'tsayingthatI'mpiningoranything,okay?

akunona

Alive, but Barely

I've been thinking of writing an entry for ages really. But seeing as that sleep right now is priority number one, cuts pretty much into any internet time that I may have previously had.

So what's new?

I am currently working as a house officer aka Houseman aka kuli aka oi budak bodoh, at Hospital Temerloh. Yes, I am currently working at the same place as my dad. There are a lot of pros and cons in working at the same hospital, but I'm not going there today. That maybe some topic for a future post after I've gone through more of this.

How is it?

Pretty hectic. Thank god for flexi hours. If not, then hey, I'd be at work right now, hips aching, knees knocking and feet contemplating suicide.

Do I like it?

It's a constant push and pull between loving it to death and driving me to death. I love working. When I get to work, I work. I work and I work and I work. I maybe still incompetent and a damned slow worker that my other colleagues are constantly scoffing at me for being so goddamned slow you damn bitch (course they never say it to my face, but years of social interaction has at least taught me to be paranoid). But I work. At least, I try my best at it. I do my best, and if I know that I'm not able to do it, then I know when to ask for help.

But at the same time, I dread going to work every day. The feeling multiplies ten fold after I have received an off day. Like after being post call and having a day off where I sleep and watch tv and surf the net and when I know that tomorrow I have work again, I feel, depressed. I don't want to go. (But I do anyway) . Like right now. I'm having my allocated weekend off for the month. Which means I have had two days of rest. I should be calm, composed, rested, prepared to face a new day of work tomorrow. But still, deep in the reserves of my heart, I dread tomorrow. A feeling of trepidation. I don't want to go. But what the hell can I do about it? I still have to. My sense of responsibility, my integrity, and the simple fact that I would feel bad if I didn't go to work no matter how much I don't want to. It's disconcerting.

So, a day's contemplation. I like it, I hate it. I'm still going back because I'd hate myself if I didn't.

I don't mean to scare anybody off. Everybody's entitled to make their own opinions about it. You need to actually be here before you can say anything. So, to any future housemen reading this. This is just my experience. Maybe you'll be a gung ho, all for it, good worker. You'll see when you get there.

Like I am right now.

I was scared that I won't be able to handle getting yelled at.

But after being yelled at almost every day for the last three weeks or so, I'm pretty fine with it. Yes, sometimes I get depressed. But I'm just glad that I can let it go.

So in the end?

It's complicated. The road is still long. I'm still a first poster barely into my first month of being a houseman. I have so many things to learn. So many things to try. So many things. Period. I'll keep trying my best. I guess. I'll keep trying. Even if I have to pry my ass off my bed every morning and pep talk myself in the mirror every damned day just so I will go to work and do my lot. I will. I'll try. Not for anyone else but for me. Because I hope I can do this. I want to do this.

Insya Allah. God willing. Help me to be a good doctor, help me to heal. If it's not for me to heal, then for me to alleviate the pain. To help my patients. To be a good doctor. For my religion, for my race, for my country. For my patients.

Insya Allah.

Bismillah, semangat nona!!!

akunona