Random shots #1

One night while I was on call at RSH's A&E department, a nurse commented on my arm hair. They are arguably rather long. As it has already been pointed out to me several times before, most memorably the questioning of my heritage and are you really Malay? Because you're really hairy. I wasn't all that insulted this time around.

So anyway, that nurse. He pointed at my arms and said I could use them to wipe the table clean. I told him no, I won't use them to wipe the table. Because I like making braids with them while bored.

Story of my life.

why?

akunona  

Error: Brain not available

So hey, another Sunday. Followed hopefully by another Monday. Another day as a Surgery Coass. I have to find a case for my exams. And I hate that shit. Wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole covered in biomedical plastic for protection. The exams. Not the patient. Because nothing gets me going like a good case. No seriously. Intellectual stimulation in the form of discussing, I like. When you are actually grading me for this shit, not so much. I have stage fright. Even when there are no stages involved. It's called anxiety attacks. In the sense that it makes me want to attack you. I need something for nerves. Oh god.

So anyway, exams coming up. For both minor and major surgery. The differences of which are rather obscure because I don't know. It's all surgery to me. I mean, it is. They just want to rake in the money by making up extra examinations coupled with the extra cases we have to present. RSH, wanting your money. so so much.

I'm supposed to be studying. An endeavor I have embarked on since yesterday evening after work. I have read stuff. Stuff I already know, repeating stuff. Stuff I don't know, because I like knowing stuff. Studying. But taking more breaks then studying. Read one page, go on the net for half an hour. Rinse and repeat, only not really because my laptop would blow up. And then what will I do?

I need help. Professional or amateurish, not important. Anyone know where I can buy brains of famous surgeons?

Anyway, I just realized, we are made to know how to write up a patient's status properly while at the same time, the doctors I see everyday, don't. Because they are inefficient and time consuming. They write only the important stuff. So why the hell do we have to anyway? I feel like being taught a different method altogether that will not be used anyway. So why bother? Because you're a student that's why. And everything is just so wonderfully redundant. And stupid.

I have had a lovely day of sleeping in, trying to study and napping. All the while disregarding the need to eat. So for dinner I made two packages of ramen. Which is just a fancy way of saying instant noodles. And tea. Because I only have one sachet of instant coffee left and that's for mornings. Because PRIORITY and all it entails.

So. Anyway. I want a lot of stuff right now. A new phone, maybe. New external hard drive, one with a tera memory. New shoes, maybe. Something that hasn't got it in for my ankles. Coffee. Of course. That wonderful source of caffeine. Of which I cannot function without. Lies of course. I shall function. But only barely. Which is hard when people expect you to be more. Contrary to popular belief, I can be lazier than you. Like now. I am lazy. So, so lazy. That's the problem with starting to study early. By the end you're too tired. And someone wants a soft copy of my breast tumor paper because he has the same case (fabricating). I spent a week composing that shit. Don't expect me to give it to you so that you can simply copy and paste it and then present it. Because phooey.

In other news, help me.

Here's to the coming week. May we all make it and pass with flying pieces of human anatomy. Because colors are so old fashioned.

I taught someone how to suture last week, assisted and talked her through it. And it reinforced in me how much I like teaching. And knowing stuff. And letting people know stuff. I love that.

Love me.

Seriously. What the hell is wrong?

This morning I think I left the tap on by sheer absent mindedness and didn't realize until the land lady came up and asked who left it on. She didn't ask me, only my house mate. I heard. Either way, what? Brain? You there?

If one day you have amnesia, would you rather not remember yourself or what you do? Would you rather not know your name, your parents, your friends, the person you love? Or would you rather forget all the things that you have done, what you do, your job, your studies, what you have achieved?

I can't explain this. Hurrrmmm... ah well. For midnight musings.

And here is another strange post brought to you by caffeine (or lack there of) messing up my nerve endings.

connection failure

akunona

Famous last words

So, my day in memorable comments and conversations :

Scene 1.

During a case presentation where I was being lectured for writing a conclusion to my paper;

"You took all these from books right? You basically copied these from books didn't you? So why are you making a conclusion? Do you think that you are smarter than the authors that you can make a conclusion to what they have written? You think you're smarter than them? Of course not, right? I mean, you're still studying. You're still student? You don't need this. This is wrong."

Here I am pointing out that, my conclusion itself wasn't in any way wrong. It was the fact that I actually made/wrote a conclusion that she found unforgivable. Of course, then I would like to point out that my conclusion consisted of me, basically summarizing what ever it is that I read from various books, in simpler words in my understanding. Which is, I think, a process of learning. It's me, the student, digesting what I have learned, and putting it in the way that I understand. I, of course, would have gladly appreciated if she had said the conclusion I had drawn was mistaken. Because, let's face it, I am still learning. Maybe I understood it wrong. That would have been very, very helpful. Not only to me, but to my group mates as well. But to say that I was wrong for even drawing a conclusion. I am confused. Do you want me to learn or not? If so in what way? Swallowing that one book whole? Because you do not accept my other references. You insist on your blood purity. Even if it is incomplete. Because I did read it. Many times. There are some parts which are just not there but exists in other books. Am I wrong for seeking information? But then again, I have a tutor who has actively lectured me for drawing conclusions to what I have learned. I was also, in a round about way, called stupid.


Scene 2.

While changing in the nurse's changing room, I made small talk with the OT's head nurse. It is relevant information to know that I speak acceptable Indonesian. To the point some think me a local instead of an international student.

BM : So wait a minute, are you Indonesian or Malaysian?
Me : I'm Malaysian.
BM : Really? But I thought you were Indonesian! I didn't know that Malaysians came in such a small size,
         and you're so dark too!

Me : .......
        I'm sorry, I'm very dark skinned. (-_-')


The sad thing is, most of my group mates right now, at least the girls, are very pretty and have fair skin.

I'll try bathing in sun screen from here on out.



Exams probably, next week. The only one confirmed is my Anesthesiology test on Tuesday. I need to start cracking down on that studying thing. Bye-bye!

killer one liners

akunona

We would like to regretfully inform you,

There are plenty things that I regret. Some more lame than others. Others more lame than some.
For example;

• I regret not confessing, really - really confessing to that one guy I had a crush on and maybe fell in love with for some thing close to 4 years of my life. At least I'd have really known.
• I regret not studying as hard as I could for my SPM. Maybe I'd be somewhere entirely different if I had shown the same work ethic that was finally born in me in my matriculation while I was still in high school.
• I regret taking medicine sometimes. But only sometimes. Because I love this, and it is amazing
• I regret going up to the stage that day during that motivation camp and getting humiliated in front of  approximately three schools in my district
• I regret not kicking his ass for humiliating me in front of approximately three schools in my district.
• I regret not being as vocal as I want to be sometimes. Because holding things in is not really that healthy.
• I regret not doing as much as I could, because I would have learned more. Known more. Done more.

To name a few.

And, you know what? I'm probably gonna regret going to sleep early, without studying tonight, because we have double cases tomorrow, but I am sleepy. And Damn It All. So yeah;

... good night.

akunona

And if you some how not get it, this is a post stating that I am going to bed early, come what may, and good night.

Yabai, ne

Case tomorrow.
I made 39 pages of dubious gobbledegook.
I have no idea.
I just want to sleep tonight.
Fuck this shit.
My brain is at boiling point.
I need to sleep.
I need a break.
I need brakes.
My brain hurts.
Why are my doctors so adamant on having conversations over why Malaysia keeps claiming Indonesia's culture.
I don't give a damn.
You don't care about my opinion anyway.
Why are you so adamant on testing me?
It's your job. Congratulations on doing a fine job.

One of my doctors asked me the other day, where is better, Indonesia or Malaysia?
I asked him, where does he prefer to stay, at his own house or at a strangers?

I am so going to get shit for that.

I have a case tomorrow.
I know I know nothing about it.
Even after writing a paper on it.
Damnit.
I just want to sleep.

sleeping

akunona

currently, I keep saying "Yabai, ne" much to the consternation of my friend. Poor her, 

BRAINS BRAINS COFFEE BRAINS

There's this old app that was developed by a group of Japanese engineers. It's called the "Nounai maker" and it's supposed to draw a map of your brain from your name. It gained popularity sometime in 2007 or 2008, maybe earlier. I've done it before but I just thought I'd gander about there today. It's pretty fun stuff. Unfortunately, since it's from Japan, it uses kanji to map your brain out. But give it a try anyway if you want to.

To give you a picture of how accurate it is, here's my brain maps for today as Aisya Bahari and as akunona :)

Aisya Bahari : The white kanji is for 'Rest' or 'Holiday' Since Aisya Bahari has been a coass non stop for almost a year with no rest, this is about as accurate as it can get. The blue kanji stands for 'Friends'. Because I love them like that. :)

akunona : The green kanji is 'Food', the clearly pink kanji is 'Love' and the pale-pinkish-what-color-is-that kanji is 'Secret'. So, yeah, akunona probably isn't telling you something. Though she wishes for some food right now. And lamenting on her single life. Or maybe not.

Nounai maker

So have fun procrastinating. My job here is done. Oh and just so you know, apparently this Nounai maker is case sensitive.

my brain that is

akunona

The part where everything doesn't make sense anymore

So in recent experiences, I had four on calls all spaced one or two days between each other. I actually have no regrets because I sort of like being on call at the hospital's A&E, but I'm always half dead the day after and I always complain that I'm really lazy at the beginning of every shift and make plans to probably not do anything, but end up doing something after all. Because I am workaholic like that. Also, I can't. You know. Sometimes.

A friend had asked incredulously why the hell does he always see me on call. I didn't have any particular intelligent answer for that because he asked a mutual friend while I was passed out on the couch in the koass resting area.

It was fun of course. Educational. I got to do a lot of things. But I still haven't been allowed to draw blood. Odd. Because I've sutured wounds. You would think that one would be more of a big thing. But anyway.

We had a really heavy discussion this morning about loads of things. But I find once again, how cynical I can be and how my opinions are really weird when compared to other people. But, that's what opinions are for. Everyone is free to form their own. And no one can say if one person is right or wrong. Which is sort of beautiful in a way. You can influence an opinion but you can't say any one's wrong for what they draw out.

Sometimes I think that I should stop thinking.

On other news, mum was hospitalized last Sunday for a fever and high ketone levels. She's diabetic which makes this a rather big deal. She was also discharged this afternoon. I'm to call her but I forgot to top up my plan. As a result of her hospitalization, I turned neurotic for three days. From Sunday to Tuesday. I was better today. But I still feel weird around the gills. How neurotic? On Sunday, I went for a movie alone and wasted probably half my allowance on an Arashi photo book and a Japanese magazine. Also bought a delicious dinner for take away. On Monday, there were new people from a different university starting as Surgery coass. I was rude and anti social. I did not introduce myself, nor did I care when people introduced me. On Tuesday, after a hectic night of only one hour of sleep, I was in a bad mood the entire morning till noon. I snapped, made biting remarks about other people's level of intelligence and glared like nobody's business. Even when I didn't mean too. And the coffee guy gave me black coffee instead of the milk coffee I asked for. I drank it anyway, because I was too tired to rise a stink or ask for a change. Though I did imagine throwing the table, plus coffee and donut, at his face. Didn't because no matter what you may think, I still have restraint and was properly educated in social conduct.

My friends deserve fucking medals at what they have to put up with.

Yes, I realize I was being a bitch. I'm writing this down so that I can remind myself to not be that much of a bitch anymore if I can help it. Other people deserve better. And also that I must appreciate my friends more. They see the worst of me and are still there. Thank you.

This is just my opinion, but I would like to reassure you that I am perfectly professional when it comes to patients. They don't see this shit.

Today I tried speaking my mind a few times. In which that means I didn't employ the usual brain - mouth filter. I may have offended people. But hey. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just say what I'm thinking. Maybe because most of them are highly uncomplimentary. But I would like to tell you, in a rather feeble excuse, that if I am impressed by you, I will tell you straight up. No corners. So anyway, he asked me if I had his resit. I said no, I don't. Maybe one of house mates do but nope, not me. He replied saying my room mate said she had it in her book case in a tone I read as almost patronizing. I said even if she said she had it in her book case, and indeed it is in her book case, it doesn't mean I know it is in her book case. He said he'll pick it up tomorrow after a long pause.

I suppose I hope I have not in any way offended him by being rude. I can tell you I struggle with this kind of thing everyday. At what I can say or cannot say. At what I can write and cannot write. What can be misinterpreted. Misconstrued. That's mostly why I prefer not talking. I have no idea why I'm so awkward. I'm supposed to be old enough to have moved out of that phase.

Also in other news, it's 2012. I should probably try harder. Plug the cracks. Build up a better defense. Form a new facade. Do my best. Last year of med school and all that jazz. Keep breakdowns to a minimum. People have other things to be worried about.

Additionally, today is also Yin's birthday, so happy birthday katak. I wish you the best. I love you.


Back to that book we go. Remind yourself everyday how stupid you actually are and maybe then you'd start studying some more. Or at least I think.

it really does not make any sense

akunona