Everybody's fool

So the other day, on Wednesday to be exact, I accidentally left my phone at home. I only realized that I didn't have it on me when Nadia and I were already waiting for the 159 bus to Tg. Priuk. And that's already too far away to turn back just to get your phone. So I decided, to hell with it, I'll just live without my phone for a while.

Incidentally, I was also on call that day, so I had effectively managed to leave my phone at home for almost two days.

Now, for most of us, this would be a very difficult situation. I mean, imagine all the awkward conversations you would have to join if you didn't have your phone to meddle around with and pretend you have something important to do with it, thus effectively ignoring normal human (awkward) conversation.While I was also worried that if anyone tried to contact me they wouldn't be able to, for the most part I was worried I wouldn't wake up because I rely rather heavily on my phone's alarm function.

I did wake up late incidentally, today. Not that late, but not the time I had wanted to wake up. But fear not, it wasn't any problem because everything went well. As well as it could be anyway.

So, after a long day at work not really doing anything because the wards are stupid, I went home. As soon as I arrived home, I sought out my phone and found it lying on my bed where I had undoubtedly left it in my mad rush to get to work on Wednesday.
I flipped it open to find that I had a grand total of 1 message and no missed calls. The message was from XL.

Yes, I'm rather sorry to say that I was slightly depressed at this state of events. Because then, I realized, that I was nobody's somebody. Or at least, that was what my brain said. So for a few minutes, I was sad. But hey, no news is good news. Meaning I didn't miss anything and nothing had happened while I had left my phone at home for one and a half day, except for a promotion for free new year's call towards your friends and family, terms and conditions apply.

Besides, I had my alarm function.

And so, we come to tonight. Tonight in which I had planned to not really doing anything if I didn't want to, but also do some work if I were to be so inclined. I was watching a drama on my laptop when suddenly my message tone rang out. Here is XL again, I thought. Maybe now they're trying to offer me free sms'es to my boyfriends and girlfriends, terms and conditions apply, I had thought. But when I opened the message, it was from a group mate, wanting to ask if I could take her on call shift tomorrow because she's sick, down  with the flu, "I'm at the hospital right now. I'm really really sorry." There's nobody else, can you make it?

Because I was confused, what is this new type of communication? Why is it not XL? I took too long to reply and she called me not five minutes after.

So, to make a rather long (not really) story short (shorter), I agreed to take her on call shift tomorrow. Even though I had only come off call this morning. But hey.

So then, when I disconnected the call, I realized that, this is what my phone was for. Only a device that permits other people to call me, message me and ask me for stuff, ask me for answers to questions that they cannot answer. At your beck and call.

Because, as you can see; if you have no reason to, you would not talk to me.

It's my fault of course. Being socially dysfunctional. Being a nerd. Being scary in person and otherwise.

 Of course I'm not supposed to complain. I can't mumble and grumble and bring it up. Because we are a group and team work means someone has to take the fall sometimes. Of course, in terms of hoping there are other people there to pick up the slack when you fall, tumble, get a concussion (not true of course, because you are in the end the person who does that job too).

But hey. What's another 30 hours?

I mean, there's no one left but me of course. Who else is going to get shit done? Everyone has their rotation. It just falls that I am the one who is just nicely free.

I'm fucking tired.  

Damn it, so what if I'm being selfish and complaining? I'm entitled. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be my face in front of the hospital tomorrow, over night bag in hand, settling down for another 30 hours.

At least I have my alarm function. Damn good one it is too.

akunona

The Epilogue of Dr. Skelling Tone : Part the Thousandth

The gentleman skeleton tipped his hat politely.

"Fine weather we seem to be having, do you not think so?" asked the gentleman skeleton, tipping his hat politely.

"Rather cold I should think," the young girl replied.

"Ah, but I find you to be rather under dressed in your night things. Pray tell, what are you doing out this lovely evening?"

The young girl looked up quizzically into the gentleman skeleton's empty eye sockets.

"But you have not yet introduced yourself. I would hardly tell a stranger as to what I am doing," she said.

"Ah, my apologies young girl. It appears my manners have left me as have my skin and musculature. Please, let me introduce myself; I am Dr. Skelling Tone. Pleased it is to meet your acquaintance," Dr. Skelling Tone bowed in a grand gesture.

The young girl could here his spine creak and she curtsied in reply.

"My name is Miss Lay Dei, this is Mr. Raggard Dei and we happen to be lost."

"But that is such a predicament Miss Lay Dei!" Dr. Skelling Tone exclaimed, his bones shuddering in empathy.

"It is rather troublesome, Dr. Skelling Tone, but it seems that we have taken a wrong turn after ToyLett Town going into Hallway Down, Mr. Raggard Dei here being reluctant to ask for directions." Miss Lay Dei explained, glaring slightly from the corner of her eyes at Mr. Raggard Dei who hung limply in her hand. He looked rather sorry.

"Well, have no fear, my dear, dear Miss Lay Dei. For I am a doctor! And I will give you directions! Where, pray tell, is it that you are heading towards?" Dr. Skelling Tone threw out his arms in another grand gesture.

Miss Lay Dei stared at where Dr. Skelling Tones bony feet did not touch the ground, her small features set into a frown.

"We were heading for the RedBoom before we lost our way."

"Oh, but the RedBoom!" Dr Skelling Tone exclaimed.

"Can you help us, Dr. Skelling Tone?"

"Why, I do believe I can, Miss Lay Dei! You are now in the Clow Zet and the RedBoom is not that far away. All you have to do is take four, three steps left till you get back to where you started, look up and you will have found yourselves before the RedBoom gates," Dr. Skelling Tone grinned, empty eye sockets dark with glee.

"Oh thank you, Dr. Skelling Tone. You have been of such help. Mr. Raggard Dei and I are very grateful," Miss Lay Dei exclaimed. Mr. Raggard Dei bounced hand in hand with Miss Lay Dei with joy. 

"It is a pleasure to be of service Miss Lay Dei." Dr. Skelling Tone bowed again, vertebrae clacking.

Miss Lay Dei curtsied in reply.

"Before I take my leave for the RedBoom, may I ask you one question Dr Skelling Tone? Disregarding this one of course." inquired Miss Lay Dei as she straightened from her curtsy.

"You may, my dear Miss Lay Dei."

"You are a doctor are you not, Dr. Skelling Tone? But what is that a doctor are you of?"

Dr. Skelling Tone laughed, a whispery timbre, like wind through bones.

"A simple doctor Miss Lay Dei. I am but Dr. Skelling Tone of the Clow Zet and it was a pleasure to meet you."

Miss Lay Dei smiled, Mr. Raggard Dei bounced, and Dr. Skelling Tone grinned his skull grin.

"The pleasure is all mine."

and he laughed, a whispery timbre, like wind through bones

akunona

NONA'S NOTES : I don't need to point out anything I think, since this is about as subtle as a flaming brick through your window. Grammar and I had a divorce recently. As you can see, it's very messy.

Just a random composition centered around a random doodle. Objects may appear closer than they seem.

and what which does not kill you

Ohisashiburi desu.

Hello. It has been a long time since my last entry. I am in fact very much alive.  A little bit worn down at the edges but still, breathing, living, making what I can make of it.

I'm sure you've heard but I am right now in Jakarta doing my Surgery and Anesthetics posting. Wonderful, because I am in Jakarta. Saves a bit in the house rent division, which is then all lost in the transportation expenses, because what ever you say, my dear providers, what ever you give me is not enough. Nope. You can say all you want about the exchange rate being in our favor or something some such, but living in Jakarta costs as much as living in KL. Dreadful, because it's the Surgery and Anesthetics posting and I am not really that interested and the consultants are scary.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. All I've been doing recently is more to the Surgery part of it. We usually get the anesthetics part when we go into the OT. I've been to the wards, the A&E and next week, I'll be in the polyclinic. The week after that I'll be in the OT. I'm not looking forward to it. Nope. Not at all. No matter what you say, scary people are eternally scary.

I don't know. Right now I feel tired. I've been doing this coass thing without a break since May this year. It's December now. That's over half a year. I haven't had a break yet. Nor have any of my friends. We're all mostly tired. We want a break. We want to go home, back to Malaysia. To take a break, recharge our batteries. Remind ourselves why the hell we're doing this. Why we want to do this. Then get back to work. Maybe we'll be better after that. Maybe we'll work harder, study more. Do our best. Right now, like we Temerloh people say, "Koi dah tak rot."
A little melodramatic maybe, but that's the truth.

Going to work day in and day out, sometimes for 7 days a week, and that goes on for the next week too, and the next week, until you meet your one free Sunday after about a month or two weeks if you're lucky. Not getting paid but in fact paying, so you can come to work, learn, observe, get shouted at. Scrutinized until an inch of your life. Say the wrong words and they judge. Do the wrong thing and they whisper behind their hands.

It has come to the point that for the most part, I do not care anymore. I'll do what I can, and if that doesn't meet your expectations, tough luck. I've been called passive when I think I'm the one who's the most hands on. Sometimes the others got to the status before me, they write down the history and the physical, but that doesn't mean I didn't take the history too. That I didn't do the physical. I don't like that you said I was lazy when I think I've tried my best. Granted that maybe I can do more, but give me some time. I don't really like these assessments. And we have cases. I am oddly apprehensive. I have never liked doing cases. Never have. Never will. To me they are evil . Yes, I agree that they are necessary, doesn't mean that I have to like them. And can't the doctor at least designate a case? Because looking for one is such a pain. More so when you're restricted to the third class wards. The available cases aren't a lot you know.

Tomorrow, it's to work again we go. This is my first free Sunday. I'm luckier than most that I only had to work nonstop for two weeks before I met my first free Sunday. Don't really know for the next though. I think I'm not on call on Sunday morning next week, but I am on call on Saturday. Which does not count because by the time you get home it'll already be around 9 in the morning and a Sunday is defined by the ability to wake up late and not give a damn, then bury your face in your pillow and go back to sleep. Anyway, we'll have to reconfirm that later.

I don't know. It just feels dull. I love what I'm doing of course. I love what I'm learning, what I have learned, what I can do. But at the same time, I want a break. I need a break. I want to go home. *sigh*
A lot of things have happened I guess. I've grown up? I hope so. I'm still skema of course. But mostly for the things that count. And I can make allowances when I think they're appropriate. I still don't know if I'll make a good doctor. I hope I do. I hope I am. I want to help. You know what they say about going into the medicine for the money? That's bullshit of course. If you want to do Medicine for the money, don't be a doctor. Be instead, the drug company. Or the company supplying medical appliances. Doctors don't get the money. Not, at least, without the blood, sweat and tears, occasional mental break downs, fights, social awkwardness fail, and growing old enough that finally, finally you have seniority. I hate hierarchy by the way. But it exists.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. I got to suture my first wound yesterday. Granted the guy was already dead so I didn't have to do all the necessary septic aseptic steps, and without local anesthetics or anything but it was, erm, fun? It was good for practice, the doctor on call said, so she gave me the chance to do it. Before you ask, let me explain, it's procedure at the hospital to suture the wounds even postmortem. So there. I was just glad I could do it. The end result wasn't as clean as I would have liked it though. It was my first try, I hope I get another chance soon. Actually piercing skin with a suturing needle isn't as easy as they make it look. Just so you know.

Anything else? You must realize that the topic jumps around like a bunny on crack after overdosing on caffeine, but I'll tell you what, I write this freely while my mind jumps. Into any topic. Whatever topic. There may have never been a topic to begin with. That's the best part.

Oh, and just so you know, my father came back from Taiwan some time ago, and bought me an Arashi "Beautiful World" CD. Haha. I had called him and asked for it as a joke actually. Never thought he'd actually go and buy it. I mean, if he did, then awesome. If he didn't, then I tried. But he did, and it's awesome. Not that I've seen it. I haven't been home in almost a year and work and everything. I mean, I can't believe he did actually. He calls any Asian boy band on television Arashi. They could be singing in Korean and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But anyway, thanks dad. :) I look forward to it when I come home.When ever that is.

Another thing about that thing. Will it happen? I don't know. I really don't know.

And congratulations to Furqan for finishing his SPM papers recently. Forget about the results for a bit. That's a story for another time. Right now, enjoy your holidays. There may come a time when you will never have a free day ever again.

And Happy (belated) Birthday to a certain someone. I don't think I'll ever forget you. You left too much of an impression. Don't worry though, it's not like how it was in the old times (it has been more than five years ago, surprising). You're just you. And I'm just me. You were kinda awesome. Just so you know.

So, enough for tonight's rambling. For what ever reason you find yourself reading this; may you find it entertaining, as I have found it fun to waste an hour writing on and off while putting of studying for a while. Maybe I'll do something productive. I don't exactly guarantee anything. Just as I don't guarantee this long composition has any contents.

Good night

may kill you yet

akunona

We want a cure for procrastination! When do we want it? Tomorrow!

I should actually be getting ready for work. But life is defined by the things we procrastinate. Humhaa

Last week at Simpangan Depok. I have Surgery and Anesthesiology at Husada next. On the plus side, I don't have to rent a new room because Husada is relatively near. You know, in the way two bus route changes and having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn is near. Ah, things we co-ass do to get to work where we are treated lower that that rag you have there under your feet. Fantastic. Moan and groan, moan and groan. But then I realize, I really love doing this stuff. Not like. Love. Then everything is fine, rinse and repeat. Because damnit Medicine.

How's life nowadays? Doing dine. Being rather free since I finished my theory exam last Thursday and my physical exam exam Monday. We're really just laying around. We still do follow ups, presenting patients during rounds, running to get labs, being on call and all that stuff though. But having sat through the exams brings a false sense of freedom. Not really, because like I said,we're still working. Anyway, holding the pediatric neurology file this week. For the last time. And it's a really awesome case though. Complex Febrile Seizure with history of seizure without fever. Pretty interesting but only to me apparently.

Apparently that person thinks that my siblings and I aren't mad at her because when we came to her house during raya a year ago, we weren't angry.

She apparently expected us to act like uncivilized children and scream her eardrums out or bash her head in using the trowel. Maybe I'll take her up on her offer. You know. Bash her flat screen with my bare fists, possible major injury be damned. But then a again, I am a civilized person. So maybe I'll just kick her kid when she's not looking. Or maybe not. That's just my emo talking. Anyway, lets all put our hands together, and bash a hole in the wall.

I have issues as you can probably tell.

Okay. So enough of that. Lets just get ready for work and face the day with a smile. while inside, a house is burning, the ashes falling like black, black snow and the smell of burning wood will be invigorating.

What the hell is with guys and damsels in distress anyway? I don't get it. Must I act like some victim to get a guy's attention? Please, tell me.

oh dear, i am so weak and need protection, what ever shall i do

akunona

there maybe issues that need addressing but damnit. I'll be okay soon

just wanted to draw shit

and also add some deformed flies to the mix

Hi. My life. Bye.

akunona

no kidding

pick me

Nearing the end of Pediatrics posting. We're smack dab in the middle of the eighth week, and two of us have already presented their exam cases. It's all random and such. But I kind of regret not volunteering earlier. Because it's not me this week. Haha. There's an in joke going around that I have suicidal tendencies. At least, that's what we call volunteering for exams. Yeah. Anyway.

The others thought that I would be picked first, being smart and all. I didn't exactly think so, but I wouldn't have said no if she had asked me to present first. Though you can't exactly say no, but you get my point. I still have no idea if I have any idea in pediatrics. There have been some really interesting cases and all but those are generally aren't used for exams. Besides, that patient's due home tomorrow and this week's quota of genocide (a.k.a exams) have already been filled. It's a ten month old baby with bronchopneumonia and a congenital heart defect, though for diagnostic purposes, that should be reversed. They've been making jokes about that incidently, saying that he's my exam patient because I'm smart and all that. But if he were to be my exam patient then my exam score can only be an A or an E. At least, that's what my specialist's been saying. She can be rather sadistic. And oddly enough, I can joke around with her. Not like what the seniors have been saying. She's been rather nice. Thank god. InsyaAllah. Let her good mood continue until the end of our posting here.

Anyway, I'm hoping to be picked for exams next week. If you happen to read this, pray that it's me. Not because I have suicidal tendencies, no, I'd just like to get this over with. Sure it's all fun having apparently more time to study, but the waiting's hell on my sympathetic system. Oh, and pray I do well too. If you can. Because I'm sure you're awesome like that.


On call today, as I am every two days. Yay to Coass life being so freaking awesome. Love you and all that mushy stuff. Better go back to studying pediatrics. Because damnit, next week could be me. I hope it is.

say the what

akunona

of opinions

Not a really popular one I think, this opinion of mine. Nor is it really fully formed so, ignore inconsistencies and such. But I thought I'd voice it out. Put it out there. Since I've been thinking about it a lot recently. Yes, i know, I should very much be thinking about that case analysis I have to do, but that's another thing.

So, what is it? There's an article going around facebook, amongst my med school friends that recently caught my attention. It's an article about how doctors are treated in Malaysia. How the medical system is a dump site of dumb political bull and the medical assistants and nurses have more power than you, the doctor. It's an old article. One that I remember reading ages ago. And I remember it striking a chord with me then. But now...

Now don't get me wrong, I have no idea if all that is true, and for all I know, maybe it is. But what I think is, I don't care. I'll get to there, when I get to there. And to get to there, I have to get through this first. And for medical students, to worry so much if they are going to be treated with the respect they deserve, they would have to first manage to become houseman first. When you've managed that, become an MO. Then work for their respect. Isn't that the way it should be? The system can change. If you're really that worried. In fact, be that change in the system. But as a med student, read the article, remember it, and work your ass of so that when you reach that place, you won't be treated like that.

And another, rather unpopular and fatalistic opinion I have; you signed up for it. You wanted to become a doctor. That one time, when you were in a dark place, hopped up on fumes and supplied with a misguided sense of glory, you agreed to take medicine. You signed up for this life of endless stress. Live with it. Accept it. Embrace it. Stock up on phenobarbitals.

But on the other hand, I am now a coass. Like a Malaysian houseman, similar, but not quite the same. I see how the hospital staff sometimes treat us. Like glorified messenger boys and girls. But really, sometimes, I don't mind having to run down three times a day to get the test results I need. I don't really mind having to observe the patient's vital signs every hour on the hour (though I admit, there are times I fall asleep and miss a turn). I don't mind having to run around giving out the meds. Honest. Yes, there are times I curse your inadequacy, but I like doing this. I feel like I'm doing my job (even if I'm doing yours). I feel like I'm learning. But this is maybe because at my hospital, the amount of patients I have is really small, that I'd do anything to be actually doing something.

But anyway, my opinion. I don't know. I used to have this sense of pride that I'm going to be a doctor. Now rather than that pride, I feel resigned, that I'm going to be a doctor. I feel that, rather than argue I'm doing so much, I work 72 hour shifts, I don't even go home to eat, bathe and sleep and all that, so I deserve your respect. Give me your respect. I am sacrificing my life for you, hear me roar, kinda thing, I'd just rather work quietly, do my job, get it done. Then go home when I can go home. And earn that respect, if I deserve it. I don't even know if I'm going to be that good a doctor yet. I don't even know when I'll be a doctor yet. It's not that simple. You can't just expect that because you are a doctor, people should automatically respect you. Doesn't work like that. Yeah you studied this shit, blood, sweat, tears and then some, but you still don't deserve respect until you've earned it. But if you keep on complaining about sacrificing everything and no one even respecting you for it, doesn't it make you question your sincerity? What exactly are doing this for?

An example: I read this quote

A doctor is being yelled at for taking too long to get there, while trying desperately to save the life of a total stranger, holding his/her bladder because they didn't have time to pee when the beeper went off, starving because he/she missed his/her meal, tired because the beeper went off just as he/she closed eyes & it's now 5 in the morning and missing his/her family while taking care of yours.

and rather than think, "That is so true. I do/did/will do this." "I sacrifice/d myself for you ungrateful louts." "I am proud of myself for doing this" or something some such, I think, "Mehh, our fault for signing up for this shit." But, mind you, this is just the way I see this quote. It's a nice quote. What I think is, that's the job description, right there. So?

But that's just one (unpopular and maybe inarticulate) opinion from a med student who is still working for a pass. I think that, what ever happens, I'm just gonna do my job. And I'm going to do my best at it. If you want to worry about it, then fine go and worry, I'm just gonna do my job. Not exactly that ambitious. But it's something that I want to do. And if I get that respect, it'll be after I've earned it. A lot of people would disagree, but then again, just my opinion.

a fatalistic out look maybe?

akunona

now back to analyzing that case.

Straighten your shoulders

I haven't actually mentioned anything yet I think, so here it goes, I'm back in Simpangan, Depok. But now doing my pediatrics rotation. Say hooray. Only not so much. The consultant is a right moody horror. We'll have to see. First week done, I'm on call again on Monday. Here's to hoping there aren't to many Cesareans lined up tomorrow. And no surprise Cesareans at night either. Pediatrics happen to be one of the major cycles. So here's to me and my group mates. Lets make it through the next 9 weeks.

Like I said, its only been one week, so we haven't felt the bite of it yet. But I've been doing what I can. I'm still caught up on the awesomeness that was Jogja though, so forgive me if I come across as a little lethargic. And my brain is so much mush right now.

I'm in Jakarta right now, getting some stuff from home base. Heading back to Depok tomorrow morning, at dawn. So I'm allowing myself to sleep early tonight. As early as I can anyway. That's actually not promising anything, since you know, I'm notorious for sleeping late. A right night owl.

I don't know. I'm working, and thinking, then working, then thinking again. I hope I don't do anything bad. Everything thing you do, every single thing you write, it all has it's consequences. Responsibility. What can you do about it? Can you take the challenge.

I've had some problems. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what the others are doing. I can't say they aren't doing anything. They all have their own set of problems. Their own lives to live. But because I'm so far away most of the time, I don't know what's happening anymore. Third person information and what not. I can only pray. And I pray that everything works out. For everyone. Not because I'm that altruistic. I just want everyone to be happy. I won't take sides. I've said this before. But I love you. On and on and on.

If ever you feel like crying though, just remember, that I'm giving you a big hug. All the way from here. Be strong. Both of you.

you can make it

akunona

Last night at Jogja. We're flying out tomorrow in the afternoon. It was fun while it lasted. Quite possibly one of the more... relaxing postings I've ever had. And may well be the most relaxing posting I'll ever have. But you know, can't really say anything yet. It's not like I'm an old hand at this whole coass thing yet. Still learning.

Next Monday I'll start a new posting at Simpangan, Depok. Again. But now I'll be doing Pediatrics. Excuse me while I go buy a paper bag for my head. Okay, so not really. But I just left that place five weeks ago. I didn't expect I'll be going there again soon. And I'll have to spend another 10 weeks there, since Pediatrics is a major posting. Ah well. On the plus side, I know the hospital. Not the doctor in charge per say. People keep saying she's a moody, difficult person. We'll see. If I get shouted at, then I get shouted at. I'll just end up hitting myself over the head for it. Will be with Mira again. And 4 other people. Let's hope this group will be as awesome as the one's I had before. And let's hope I don't alienate people some more. God knows I need social skills.


Maybe I'll write more tomorrow. I'm gonna sleep now.

Good night

oyasumi

akunona

Feels like this

laugh

smile

frown

hide everything

bury everything

show no emotion

act like you don't care

laugh again for good measure

sing a song

hum a tune

give a fuck

don't give a fuck

question life

question death

question that ant crawling towards your open bar of candy

smile some more

ignore them

crave their attention

have a piece of mind

have some peace of mind

do your job

toe the line

cross the line

lines are for cowards

do your best

kick your conscience 

smile

laugh

strike a pose

akunona

What is it that you want

A reminder to myself just as much as anything. This post will sound self serving and narcissistic, but then again ...

During my last week at Simpangan, my doctor, who was in charge of us there, told me something. He told me that I had to be strong. I had to be strong because I had to be the "back bone". He didn't say back bone per say, he used a different word, an Indonesian word : Jangkar. He said it meant something like the last wall. The last hope. Someone who people can go to for help. Something like that.
He told me that I am a leader. He said I have what it takes to lead a group. I may not do everything, but I make sure that what needs to be done, is done. If it isn't then I'm the type to do it myself. I pick up after people. Tidy the edges, make it neat, as it is. Get it done.
He taught me to make decisions. All of us had to make decisions regarding our patient's treatment, but he differed to me almost all the time. Even the most trivial questions like "Do we all have to go in on Saturdays". He taught me to consider every aspect, and take the consequences, if they are any.
He told me that I have a sense of responsibility that exceeds my own well being. A trait observed when I fell sick twice but still took care of the patients I had, until what ends I could.
He told me I was smart. And not to waste that. He wanted me to learn. Study. Gain more.  To go to the ends of knowledge and then some.

He told me I could be someone.

And all I needed was some polishing.

I've never had someone be so straight with me before. It was sort of embarrassing really. There are other things he told me along the weeks I was there. Among them being how I was a logical thinker but had a streak of imagination. A penchant for fantasizing. A very serious person, but I can still laugh. He asked me why I didn't laugh as much. Honestly, I don't know myself.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. Maybe because I've been thinking about this for some time. Basically, I've been thinking how I can achieve this. How I can be this. My mother said I'm most hard on myself. I have expectations for myself that are higher than even what anyone else expects of me.

But then, I think, is this really me? I'm normal. I'm below average. Can I do this? I only get anywhere because I almost kill myself to get there. I do this time and time again. Killing myself over and over again. There was once a time, when for class work, I ended up only sleeping 2 hours for a time span of two days. I have not heard of anyone around me going through such extremes to get their job done, and we're basically doing the same thing. And sometimes, when I think about it, I produce mediocre results compared to them. And they get more sleep than I do.

I want to achieve something. I want to be someone. But can I? Is this even the right path for me? Did I make the right choice leaving English for Science. For Medicine of all things. I love what I'm learning. But do I see myself actually doing this?

I want to be a good doctor. I don't have to be super good at it. I just want that if a patient sees me, I can help them. I can make them feel better.

Lofty expectations? A reminder maybe. That there is something to work for. No rest for the terminally ambitious.

So get of the net and go back to doing your presentation slides, bitch.

slightly thinky

akunona

and the dish ran away with the spoon

So I figured I should write about my experience celebrating Hari Raya Aidilfitri alone in Jogja. Alone as in there wasn't anyone I know here who actually celebrated Hari Raya with me. Not alone literally.

But the experience was so confusing, sad and lonely, that I'm not going to. Just because. I'll let you imagine it yourself how celebrating raya on your own is like. Yes, I did have friends (at least acquaintances) who went out of their way to keep me company of which I am extremely grateful. But you know, it's just different. You're the only one. No matter who else was with you. Whatever anyway. This crap would just be depressing.

Speaking of depression, I am rather worried because I still haven't found a case for our course work. Way to make a non sequitur Nona. This is however a very valid worry because the doctor in charge is a monster with many rings. No really. She has like 16 on both hands and the first thing I thought when I saw them was that, If she ever hit her kid in the head, they'd suffer from a mild concussion. Anyway, here's to making some headway on that tomorrow.

I actually had a reason to write tonight. Most of it being caused by fluctuating hormones making me feel like shit, really really sad shit but I don't think I can write any of that freely. But I can't talk about this shit freely either. Which leaves me in a conundrum of piling everything in again. Which is never good because when everything blows up, the resulting mess hurts more.

Ah well. And on that note of hormones not making any sense no matter how many sense their actual cycle makes, I leave you with .... basically nothing

thanks for reading. If you made it this far

akunona

conversations

friend: Nona!!
friend: How've been?
friend: Listen, I wanted to ask you something...
me : tut...
friend: ?? anyway...
me : tuuut...
friend: it's about this case I've been assigned
friend: it's really complicated
friend: ????? what?
me : tut... tut... tuuut...
friend: wth?
me : the number you have dialed is longer available. the number you have dialed is no longer available
friend: -_______________-;;;

i have too much time on my hands.

That awkward moment

That awkward moment when your friend says she's sad because she can't make it Thursday to lunch and our mutual friend had told her that it would have been awesome if she could have made it because "Everyone' s going to be there!!" and you smile and comfort her while thinking, damnit, you're not going to be there and this is the first you've even heard of it too.

Hi, welcome to my life of passing through other people's epic dramas.

I realize that the reason I seem to study so much is because I want to run away from my problems. I read so I won't have to talk to you. Hi, I'm a nerd by choice because I'm socially awkward.

+++++

And to escape this blue, blue mood, let's uplift our spirits by looking at pretty boys.

nino, photobombs with glee

arashi, pwning shades since forever

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's UEPOMU!

hi, meet shige, he's cute

And watch KAT-TUN's Run For You pv a couple of dozen times more for the head tossing and hip swiveling ... hips... swiveling....

hips ... swiveling

akunona

credit for pictures, everywhere. just, they are not mine.

have a random picture

Last weekend we (that is, my groupmates in this posting and I) went to the beach and then to Borobudur. Have a random pose I did when my friend asked me to and I was actually talking to my mum on the phone and wasn't actually thinking.

UMI DA!!!

On the subject of Borobudur, really majestic looking. I wished I had more time to trawl around the museums they have around there but we were in a rush to get back because the rental time for our car was coming to an end. What struck me the most was how this huge thing almost seemed like a puzzle. How they fit the blocks together. And the fines craftsmanship of the carvings along the wall. Rather awe inspiring.

Small happening, a small group of tourists from Japan came by while Mira and I were resting. I heard them talking and without actually thinking, I said

"Ah, Nihon-jin da." = "Ah, japanese"

And one of them apparently heard me and turned around towards us. I thought I had been rather rude, so I nodded my head at her, waved, smiled and said "Konnichiwa".

She said "Konnichiwa" back, looking rather perplexed and went back to her group.

I kind of still think I had been rather rude. I have no idea why.

Oh, and they had an Indonesian tour guide with them and seriously, he was speaking Japanese so fluently that I was rather impressed and not a little jealous. I wonder if he went to class for it?

Anyway, that's all for this random post. May we meet again.

koas rsmata yap di candi borobudur

with a random pose for effect

akunona

can anyone describe this feeling

Rather melancholic sounding title, non? Ignore it, I've been reading romance laced stuff. It's making me melancholic. Though I'll never admit it out loud. Because romance just doesn't go with the image I've been cultivating. Of which I am only vaguely aware of. That is not really that important anyway. I have self-esteem issues, ok? So what?

So, this year, I'll be spending my lebaran holidays right here in Jogja. Inevitable, what with only being allotted two days holiday and having to be on call at the polyclinic just before and after Raya, and the echoing recesses of my bank account. Like I said, it is sadly, inevitable. I've already bought my Baju Raya though :). Maybe some time during raya, I'll post pictures. Mira will be going back to Jakarta so, that pretty much leaves me here alone. Oh, but next week a couple of Malaysian seniors will be coming on Sunday. We'll see. Whatever happens anyway, I want to go out on Raya. Anywhere. Just out. So I won't end up thinking crap. And crying. But mostly thinking crap.

I had a sort of stupid idea this morning while I was taking a bath. Maybe if I opened a business in translating journals for my friends? Though, since I'm a coass myself, commissions taken will have to take note of what posting I am at the time and if I have any time at that time. The amount of commissions taken will rely on the current conditions. Payment will be per page, I think. Extra charge if the article is amazingly technical. No pay back guarantee if your counselor laughs at your (my) translation, because dammit word choice is really difficult. And you still have to reread it so that the gist of what the article is about. I'll only translate it. Explaining the whole thing is entirely up to you.

Well, I can dream. I don't really have the time anyway.

I had a dream the other day where I was a spy who had been made to lose my memories because of security reasons, but they were trying to make me remember because of some reasons. And my colleagues were Ryo-chan, Ueda, and Arashi were in there somewhere, and Shige. I may be starting to like Shige as well now. In a sort of annoying kind of like. Does that even make sense? It was an awesome dream anyway. Mostly for the Johnnies. Bet you already know that though.

A little touch of irony; in my ophthalmology book, in the chapter talking about short-sightedness (myopia), there is a sentence in the paragraph that is explaining steps to preservation of eyesight in young people to prevent further advancement of myopic symptoms, which reads
"Do not read too much". ... Ironic, rather.

What is that feeling when you're feeling irrevocably alone. And all you can do is laugh at yourself because you're being stupid. And you know, but you can't help but feel sad. And you feel kind of helpless. And you want to talk to someone. Just to talk. But you don't really have anything to talk about. And no one really, to talk to. And you sit down, and there's an empty feeling in your heart and you want to cry but you're not sad enough. You feel detached, apathetic, maybe melancholic... ....

probably indigestion

akunona

p/s: my sarcasm shall now be diagnosed as a defense mechanism by all those privy. Or maybe PMS. Who knows.

in which life is lived out of suitcases

Which is my current view on co-ass ship. There are no clothes drawers. Anywhere.

Hi

So here I am in Yogyakarta for my fourth posting which is opthalmology. RSM dr Yap. Yeay. I don't know. Apparently it's one of the more... lax (?) postings. Not a lot of things to do, but quite a lot to learn. If you're willing. We'll see how I go.

I miss internal already. Yes, because I am nerd like that. I can safely say that I love internal medicine. As horrifying and brain squeeze inducing as that sounds, I loved it. I was really sad when it finally ended, last Saturday. My doctor was/is amazingly, awesome. You have no idea.

Back to Jogja and Opthalmology. Here with Mira. We have a room in the hospital mess. Ladies get one house, guys get another. It's okay but the mattress has clearly seen better days. Lying on it is akin to lying on wood. God knows how many people have slept on it all these years of interchanging coass-es. The room is reasonably large, no wardrobe, one fan, and one drawer to put stuff, but maybe not clothes, in. We're living out of our suitcases, and already planning to go back to Jakarta for raya because we're the only ones actually celebrating out of our current group and it'll generally be too sad if we had to stay here for the celebration.

First day, skema-ness dictates we'll be going in at 0700am. I have yet to take a bath but I will after this, I promise. It's been ages since I had to live in a dorm like situation (though this is a house) where the first rule is always toilet privileges. If you have lived at a boarding school for over 5 years, there is nothing more important than toilet privileges. Except for maybe the "your bed is your private space" rule. Not exactly looking forward to this since yesterday I was still feeling melancholic over having finished internal posting and leaving Simpangan. Because, dammit Medicine posting was the best posting yet. And I miss my girls. As lame as that sounds.

So anywho. 0500 am. Would like to go pray and take a bath now. And maybe a short nap before having to get ready for first day. Why can't they post us to hospitals and finish our entire posting there rather than having to move everywhere every time we change postings? At least first day adaptation to new environments won't have to happen so often.

tour of duty

akunona

Nadia is the cutest coass ever

Last week of internal posting. I've done one of my exams. With a very difficult patient. With a very difficult diagnosis. I have one more exam pending. Maybe of Thursday. It was supposed to be yesterday but it was pushed back again. It's been pushed back once. Huh. Not that it's that bad. At least I have time to study. Maybe. I'm bored of studying. Since I figure I'm pretty dumb.

We are six people, have no idea how many of us are going to be together for the next posting. Today Wan's going to come here. She's going to be in the obgyn posting here. It's fun. Sad though that I can't be here as well. I have only one week left.

So to conclude because I have no idea what else to write, I am still alive, I haven't been updating because I am super busy most of the time and I love using what free time I have to sleep. I am waiting impatiently for new postings to come out. And I love my girls. And internal medicine. But I am geek like that.

but nona is way cuter ;)
akunona

of experiences

Last week have been full of them.

Hi. Finally emerging from my hole of work to post something on this blog.
So, a lot of things happened last week. One of the more major things is that I fainted for the first time in my life. Hahaha,

It felt like everything decided to shut down and I couldn't move no matter how much I wanted to. I was exhausted by that time. What with only sleeping for two hours that night and having been on call for over 24 hours and the stress of an emergency situation. It's a matter of minutes before I keeled over. Funnily, I managed to find a chair and took a seat before I fainted. Not so funnily, I picked the chair in front of the patient's room and a lot of people were milling around and I probably managed to add more to the chaos than help. People think that I fainted because I couldn't stand the blood. (-_-;)

It is rather embarrassing.

What ever any one says, I am glad that I saw this patient through.

This has been a week rather full of experiences. I'm glad for them. Really. I really love this thing I'm doing right now. Even if I'm perpetually tired. Even if all I want to do on a any given day off is to sleep. I really love this. I'm glad I'm doing this. I want to do everything I can to help. To treat. I'm still learning. I'm still making my way through this. There are mountains of things I still have no idea about. But, I love this.

Also, sometimes there have been patients who have asked me when the hell do I go home? Or do I stay at the hospital?

5 more weeks to go.

Another thing, I know I am a workaholic. I am a professional when we are at work. I know this does not sit well with a lot of people. I hope you understand. I can't help this. This is who I am.

I'm only sorry that you can't stand me.

workaholic'sanonymous

akunona

scaredy cat

Because the unknown is really, really scary.

So what's new? Well, I'm off to Depok again. Though now for internal medicine. And at a different hospital. People are saying that it's going to be fine and all, but still, as my first major posting, this is kind off daunting. Almost finished packing, some stuff that I'm still using are out, but that's it. I'll throw it in my luggage when I'm done and almost out the door probably.

Here come sleepless nights?

Heading out around noon, insyaAllah. The kos/kontrak has been confirmed. I think. If not, then yeah. Die lah, us. Still have to negotiate the entire rent though. There is a rather sad trend of overcharging for non-local people. Happens everywhere, I know. Still, sad, sad fact. We aren't made of money and coins, people.

I am scared, I admit. It's always the same feeling. Fear of the unknown, of some sorts. Because, yeah, we really don't quite know what we're supposed to be doing. But apparently, that's what the first week is for. Acclimatization. Getting used to new hospital = new rules. New behavioral patterns we have to adapt to. It's all fun.

InsyaAllah, to a good, educational, fun 10 weeks in internal medicine.

packing is such a drag

akunona

It was either this or the cat ...

So, last week in psychiatry. New postings came out yesterday and I'm off to Depok again but at a different hospital, doing Internal Medicine. Now's the time to see if I really want this. If I'm cut out for this, if I can do it. I like internal medicine. We'll see if I end up still liking it. Like, I liked psychiatry when I learnt it in class, I like talking/discussing stuff about psychodynamics, really interesting, I just don't really like psychiatry anymore. If you can understand any of that, wonderful.

I finished my exams Tuesday. I was assigned a rather difficult patient. Difficult because he didn't want to talk with me at all, and in psychiatry, it's the interview that counts. We got off on the wrong foot and everything, but I didn't want to ask for a new case. My stubbornness can be legendary. So, I stuck with him. Approached him for so many days the nurses at his ward know me by name. After all that, I managed a decent rapport. Not sure if I aced the exam but at I don't think I did too bad on my case. We had a harder time with the other guy's case. Good god, that case. We answered to the best of our knowledge, but damnit...

So anyway, he's a nice kid. I wish him all the best.

So next 10 weeks at Depok. We'll see how it goes. Unimportant fact, we finish a day after my birthday. I think I should start studying, I will. Maybe. Some time later.

I don't know what I got for this posting. May I get a good mark, insyaAllah.



In other news, while reading a stupid post on tumblr (I trawl, I do not have) I almost made another argument on existentialism and life. Oh my god my brain. Let's drown it in senseless drivel.

oh yeah,

HAPPY NINO MONTH PEOPLE!

akunona

Which cliff would you recommend?

So that I can jump off as soon as possible and at the best possible place.

Not exactly physically tired, but mentally weary. A lot to think about, a lot to puzzle out. I need better talking skills. Scripts are different.

Brain is tired. tired. tired.

I've been thinking about this particular case since Thursday and there's nothing I can do to get it out of my head. I have a perpetual headache and an undercurrent of anxiousness. Sleeping only helps for 6 hours. Yes, I sleep early now. Well, sometimes. Especially when I'm thinking of something I'd rather not think about anymore. Fairly a frequent experience nowadays.

I can do this. I've been at this since Thursday. I've worked hard. Something will come out of all that hard work. If shit happens anyway, well, people can all say that it is my fault for being stubborn. I will not put it against them. But I can say that I didn't give up that easily. And if shit happens, well, shit happens.

I hope it doesn't though. Oh please do not happen.

Here's to the last week of my psychiatry posting.

Bring it on. please be kind?

yoroshiku onegaishimasu

akunona

also, fuck lj for not being accessible at times like these.

P to the R to the O to the ...

Hello. I'm here. Taking some time to finally write an update. Just to show my future self when I trawl the older post buttons that, in May, I was actually stupid enough to write a post when I should have been studying. Or something.

Four weeks in, next week. Psychiatry posting. It has changed my views on psychiatry, that's for sure but sadly, I still don't really like it. It's kind of too abstract and subjective. Even for medicine. So yeah. Psychodynamics is interesting though. But that's not something we do. It would make a very interesting intellectual argument however. I was actually tempted to write an entry about existentialism and the defense mechanisms, because it really is interesting. I mean, how can something threaten your existence so much that you run away to a different reality all together? How can wanting something so much, but not being able to achieve it results in having a skewed perception of reality. How can some experiences be so harrowing a you have to bury it deeper and deeper and in some cases, just run away all together? All very interesting questions. And not something that I can answer. I just find myself recently having a new kind of respect for all the "crazies" we see on the roads and everywhere. They're just really, really sick, you know? Here's to advances in psychiatry. Not me though. I'm not touching this stuff again after I finish here. Unless I absolutely have to.

What have I been doing? Three case presentations, am writing/translating a paper in which I also have to do a presentation for next week (this week), studying for exams on the fifth week. I miss having lectures. Weird, but I always have been rather academical.

Anyway, like the background? Messing with your eyes, and increasing your minus, akunona.

On more lighter news, Arashi is releasing the Dome DVD for their "kimi to boku" concert on the 15th of June. Which I have secured (YATTA). And a new album called "Beautiful World" and an ensuing tour in which some proceeds will be donated towards the Tohoku earthquake fund. Lots more information on that but I am currently disinclined to write about it. Everyone already knows about it anyway :D. Just that, Arashi, thank you for being sort of epic. Though I am currently cheating on you and listening to KAT-TUN albums. XD

Ah well, to do some studying. If I can.

Maybe not.

we'll see

akunona


to the C.R.A.S.T.I.N.A.T.I.O.N
PROCRASTINATION

I need new music

This is a very pressing issue. I need new music. I haven't listened to the radio in ages and have absolutely no idea who is good right now. Oh the conundrum.

Whatever.

Leaving the lameness that is my playlist alone, tomorrow I officially end my first posting! Yeay!

Except not really. I'm not fairly sure that I know how to read a CXR properly yet and I'm already being cut loose. I did fairly well in the exams, at least, according to what our consultant had to say anyway. We haven't received our final marks yet. But to tell the truth, I think I'm only good at memorizing.
Next postings have come out yesterday. I'm going to do psychiatry next, a 5 week posting somewhere not that far away so I don't need to find a temporary kost yet. Not that I save anymore cash than the others, travel expenses can blow a very large hole in your pocket.

I'm reading up, but yeah. It's like I'm reading, and reading and turning the page and the only thing that sticks with me in the end is, "What is this even talking about?"
I liked psychiatry when we had lectures. A year ago? I forget but somewhere there abouts. Interesting stuff. Wholly abstract and confusing and lacking in a precise objective, yes, but interesting. Also, that what makes it such a killer for me. I don't exactly do subjective well.

Here's to hoping that I pull through this time too. Prayers.

just wanted to type stuff

akunona

Uh, say what?

In recent firsts of my life, today I got a phone call from an acquaintance whom I don't really know at all by the way, who proceeded to ask me if I knew where he could sell his kidney.

I kid you not.

I'm not judging or anything but... eh, yeah. Sell your kidney? Seriously? He has his reasons, though I have no idea if it's all made up or not, or if it's true or what have you... but yeah. This is not a normal question to ask someone. No matter what the circumstances.

Also, this is kinda scary and creepy. Do not, for the life of you, expect me to pick up any random calls anymore. You'd expect me to have learnt my lesson after that Sekuhara phone call incident in Matriculation, and for the most part, I have, but there are certain times (like today) when my paranoia takes a rest and I press accept.

Then this shit happens, which goes to show.

Also in the 'firsts' category, next week, technically, this week, I'll be having my first exams as a co-Ass. Pray for my success. Insya Allah.

Anything else? Err... yeah, I should be studying.

do I look like a black market dealer to you

akunona

電車少女 - densha shoujo

Though it isn't like I'm finding love or fighting of drunk passengers.

Four days in to my first posting. I did say I got radiology didn't I? Well, I got radiology. We, that is me and the other girls who have the same posting, are taking the train there everyday. We usually try to make the 6.09 Economy AC. So yeah, waking up early is a pain. I am perpetually scared of oversleeping. I have a punctuality thing.

Thus, densha shoujo. Or, Nona's obscure reference to something her readers (if she has them) probably would not get which is only relevant to her. The trains are from Japan! I wonder if they bought defunct trains for cheap? How do I know? Well, various signs on the train in Japanese in the train of which the only words I can read are "densha", "te" and "otsukamari kudasai", which makes no sense at all by the way, are a dead giveaway.

Anyway, radiology. I've always liked it. Odd yes. Most of my friends can't make head nor tails of it. Neither can I, I admit, but I somehow have always liked it. It's fun. Looking at black and white and shades of gray all day long. The doctor who's teaching us is really nice. He teaches at Ukrida too, so he's familiar. But he does expect us to know stuff he's taught in class. Sadly, stuff from a year or two years ago don't stick in you brain for too long. :(

We usually go in at 7.30 (I arrive some time over 7), and read x-rays. When we run out of them, we go for a tutorial until 12.00. Then the doctor goes off to another hospital and we tag along to read more x-rays and then have another tutorial. Unless he has some other work to do, we usually finish by 3.00pm. Then we run off to the train station and catch whichever train to Jakarta that's the soonest. We honestly aren't picky, we just want to go home. Though because of this, we've taken the Economy train a few times. Tickets go for Rp1500 (around 52 cents back home according to the current rate). There are no doors, sometimes there may be windows, and they are loud. You know, those trains you see on TV where there are people on the roof and hanging out of doors. Yeah, those. But we only go on them if they're empty. They are kinda scary and dangerous. So yeah. Stick in groups. Be aware of your bag at all times. Act poor? Joke joke. Don't kill me.

I have exams of Tuesday and Wednesday!!! Wish me luck, pray for my success. This will be my first test as a co-Ass. Yes, it is written like that.

I'm probably high on caffeine right now. Jittery, jittery, brain moving at speeds of light, fingers can't keep up, making less sense than usual. Ah love. Coffee.

I'm running out of Nescafe. And cash. We'll see which finishes first.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be studying right now. I am, I have pictures of broken bones open in a different window, I swear. But when you can't tell if you're looking at an arm or a leg, you probably should take a break, yeah? Or maybe I'm procrastinating. I'll never tell. I like this shit so much. It's weird. Maybe I'm only enthusiastic because the doctor's really nice and it's kinda still relaxed in a way. Wait until I get a major posting! But we'll leave that heartbreak for later. Right now, let's just enjoy the fact that taking trains is kinda fun.

And on that note, I leave you with a wikipedia link that will make everything clear.

Densha otoko.

Now the first sentence will probably make more sense. And shoujo means girl. I'd have used "onna" myself but that's what google translate gave me. And I'm too lazy. (oh my god, it's just a backspace key!!)

Also, I have the book. The story is very sweet.

strikesafunkypose

akunona

Conspiracy theorists, wooo ~ *wriggly finger movement*~

I have not updated in ages, yes?
I am a very busy person. Not so much. But I was.

We just came out of three weeks of PADAS so forgive me for not updating. Loads of things happened that deserve a mention but that would take too long. I might do bullet points. Which are currently me new love. I have no idea why. Since my bullet points tend to long and draggy anyway.

So. Results for PADAS have been announced this afternoon after days and days of being left hanging. You know, that feeling where you're on that ledge and it isn't clear if the hand reaching towards you will help pull you up of give that one little nudge to send you tumbling down to your death. I'm not even making this up. Metaphors how I love thee. Not a lot of people would get me anyway.

I passed by the way. After having to repeat the paper once. I cried. Like a lot. During that two day time period of new patient searching and doing the follow up and everything. It's sort of embarrassing. But I did. I am a weak person.

We're going to know where we are going to be stationed, in these next two days. Friday and Saturday. We're due at the new place on Monday. Yep. True Ukrida style. You have to admit, it does keep you on your toes. Also provides endless hours of bitching and worrying. But that's life. At least, ukrida life.

Saturday is graduation day. :D
No, I haven't graduated yet. I'm still not a doctor. I have a year and a half left, if everything goes well. But I do have a degree. Yeah, weird. But, when in rome and everything ...

You should see my kebaya, Yes, I bought a kebaya which I am going to wear for graduation. In one word, it can be described as "heavy". Believe me, it is. I'll post pictures. Maybe in my facebook. I have been influenced by my good friend Rai. You can all blame her (or thank her, which ever way this goes. Though, what ever happens, it'll probably be my fault because my fashion sense is woefully under developed. Like I am.)

15/4 3.45pm

We had a black out last night so I never managed to finish writing up this post. Huh. I have no idea what the time stamp is going to come out as, so just to be neurotic, I noted it down.

We had rehearsals for tomorrow's ceremony. Lots of pomp and ceremony. Lower your head, use two hands, walk slowly, everybody stand up.... wait for it... now! That kind of thing. It's sort of interesting but the ceremony promises to be long winded and boring. Lots of people talking, and you having to be serious and everything.

My family's not coming this time around but mum and yin already came last month while I was on 'holiday' so that's okay. The timing is never right. But I hope that they can make it for the next graduation thingy, if I can make it. InsyaAllah.

Our first stations have been announced. Monday I'm going to go to Depok, for Radiology. It's a two week cycle, then we'll change places again. Um. Yeah, we'll get to that when we get to that. But for now, let's just take a day at a time yeah?


Anything else? Nothing much. I'm sleepy. Slept late because I spent last night being eaten alive by mosquitoes. So yeah.

till next time

akunona

p/s: title is actually pretty appropriate for current situations. But that's a longer story and I'm not in the mood to type it out.

Shallow much?

I'm sure everyone and their cats know the most recent world disaster. The earthquake, following tsunami, and the problems with nuclear reactors (and I've read an allusion to but not news itself of, a whirlpool?) in Japan right now. I am a sort of Japan-fan myself, what with one of my life goals is to be able to visit Japan at some point so I was shocked with the news.

Even though, I have to take this chance and admit that the first thing I thought was, "Are Arashi and my other Johnny biases safe?"

Yes, it does sound shallow. Horribly, horribly shallow. Thousands of people are dead and the first thing you thought about was your idols?

But when you think about it, and one person in a forum I follow pointed out more eloquently than I can ever hope to, is that, I actually know these people. Superficially yes, but it doesn't mean that I don't love them. And before you say anything, no, I'm not trying to justify anything. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just wondering why my knee-jerk reaction would be to think "Are Nino, Jun, Sho, Aiba and Oh-chan safe? What about Ueda? What about -insert other Johnny's artist here- ?" and so on before I think "Oh my god, loads of people are dead! That is so sad!"

So what I think is; it's because I have a vested interest in them? I love them and want them to be safe. Not because I want them to be alive so they can continue working and being a source of entertainment to me, no. It's because I genuinely wanted them to be safe. And even their families to be safe. Out of the millions of people in Japan, the first people I thought about were my biases. Then I thought about Rai's foster family. Then other lj-ers in Japan whom I don't know but have heard of through fandom.

What actually brought about this post was a post made by another arashi fan. I had been thinking about the shallowness before, but I had not thought to actually write about it until I read her post. I'm not particularly eloquent but, I'll try.

She said that after the initial shock of hearing Japan's disaster, she was slightly put-off by fandom's response of only thinking about the safety of their respective idols. Causing a flood of posts stating the confirmed safety of not only Johnnys idols, but other Jpop artists, Jrockers and even manga artists and seiyuus (voice actors). Even some reports of the state of some Johnny idols houses. And it was like people in fandom were holding these lives more than they would hold the lives of other normal people in Japan. It's true actually. She has a very valid point.

In the end, maybe it’s because we’re human? And this is a rather fatalistic view of life and human behavior but I think humans will always respond more to what interests them, what has an immediate relation towards them. I’m sure many would disagree but that’s what I think. People will always think about themselves first. Because these idols have a relation to me, because I want them to be safe, then I think about them first. I do not know the thousands other actually dead or suffering, I feel sorry for them, I wish them well, but that’s it. On the other hand, I want my idols to be safe. I want to know they are safe. I want official confirmation that they are alright.

But then again, what’s amazing is though, after the initial flood of posts about the safety of various idols and artists, there was another wave of posts about donations and auctions being held to raise money. What I think in a way, this shallowness and this kind of human interest has a good side as well. Because of this initial interest, people are actually trying to help. The response has been kind of amazing (from the view point of a virtual outsider anyway, but still). Because this interests me directly, I am helping.

Haha, a lot of people will disagree with me on this. I’m not up for a debate though, so yeah, don’t bother? This is my opinion and analysis on why I reacted the way I did. Why I’m sure hundreds of other fans reacted the way I did. I’m just putting this out there. I’m not saying this is a bad thing though. I just want to know why.

This argument (?) is everywhere. You can tell I’m not a particularly eloquent person. Much more when it comes through something like a screen. But if you get something from this, either an opinion of how weird I am or an argument of the values of celebrity (which may have ended this post three paragraphs ago) or a view on humanity, I’m glad.

And another thing, a few hours after the initial news, there was info from a fan that Fuji TV stated Arashi are safe. Followed by more information on the other groups I follow. I won't lie and say I wasn't immediately relieved because I was. I was instantly (and am still) very glad to know that they are safe.

But let’s not forget about the others as well. Let’s not forget about the millions devastated by this tragedy. Lend a helping hand. Do it in your own way. Who cares in what way.

Pray for Japan.

akunona

p/s: This is the first time I’ve ever posted about a world tragedy. Why? Because I love Japan, it has something to do directly with me, thus I am interested. I am not a very good person am I?

Also, I may come to regret posting this. LOL

picture source here

In which nona questions her principles

Because, of course, the one night when she wants to write an entry is the night before a class. Of course. sigh
Anyway, there are a ton of things to write about so I'm going to do bullet points, yeah!

• My mom and yin came to visit last week! It was actually some sort of spur of the moment thing and they only stayed for four days and three nights but they stayed over at my house. It was kind off unbelievable that they were in Jakarta, actually. LOL. I woke up the next day thinking "Oh my God, mak and yin are HERE" and kinda felt like poking them to make sure they were real. We went to Ancol, Bandung, and mall hopping because Jakarta has so many of those. We ended up being extorted at Tangkuban Perahu by what my mum calls the kindest extortionists ever. But seriously, next time, take your sob stories and shove them up your asses. Mum hurt her ankle going down Tangkuban and dad got mad at me for not doing the medic. XD. Makes you think what the hell was I learning all these years. Makes me wonder too why I didn't think about it. Huh.I had fun with them here and it was sad when they had to go home. I cried in the cab heading home after sending them off. Oh my god so jelly inside lah nona. But yeah. hahahah. The cab driver didn't really spare me a look though.
• I finally have a class tomorrow! After two weeks of doing absolutely nothing except sporadically studying stuff! I am not actually that excited but it's something to do. And I have a reason to get out of the house. Also, here's to hoping I don't oversleep tomorrow.
  
• My gilut exams are on the 12th of March. And I need to look up what day that is. It's this week? OMG. Here's to me passing this. I want to pass obviously but at the same time I kind off apprehensive of what's going to come next.
  
• A little JE fandom rant, there are too many Hey! Say! Jump! in my MYOJO! I have no idea why I like MYOJO so much, but I do and the January and February issue have too much HSJ :(. Though thinking objectively, other fandoms might think that there are too much Arashi as well. But I don't really want to think objectively because this is fandom. :( Pedo bear will eat you.
• My bullet points are ineffective because they are too long
• This is the 199th post! Lame yes because everyone else has thousands but yeah, this is me. I generally fail at this sort of thing, so it is a kind of achievement
• I REALLY hope I don't oversleep tomorrow. Class is at 9!!
• Have some random Ueda

I like pretty japanese boys, I like them I do. I like pretty japanese boys, I like them , do you?
akunona

p/s dr seuss lol

How (not) to wear stockings

No, seriously, why do you like them again?

Arashi, making stockings and nipple revealing t-shirts awesome since 1999.

Forever classic.

akunona

Jar of Hearts

I opened this window not knowing what I wanted to write about. I never actually do, but sometimes I do have a rough draft in my head.

But not tonight.

The title for this post is the title of the song that I am currently listening to. It's a rather sad song. A melancholic kind of melody but I'm not really paying any attention towards the lyrics.

I'm pretty OK. Content I suppose. Sometimes I miss my family and my friends back at home, but that's usual. You get homesick like you get the cold. It hits you suddenly, then after maybe three days or less, it'll go away. Sometimes I'm bored to tears but I suppose I can still find things to do to fill my time. I should study of course. I can't really afford to fail again. But you know how it is. You know, some people might think that I study all the time, but not really. I mean, I laze about a lot. My allotted study time is pretty much the same as any other average student.

Recently, someone told me that I looked intelligent. That I had the look of someone smart. I said thanks and thought that this is the source of my problems, and maybe the main reason I can bullshit pretty good sometimes. I don't know myself. Though, on the other hand I have also been told that I look scary. And I'm rather violent. What with my daily death threats to my siblings. But they're my siblings. You know how it goes. Talking about siblings, I was looking through my picture folder when I came across a picture of my littlest brother. I wonder if he actually thinks of me as a real sister? I mean, yeah. What can I actually say? I've only met him once. And he's too small yet. Maybe when he's older? Maybe when things work out? I don't know. Would he take my death threats seriously? I know the others just laugh at them.

I haven't had to sleep on a bunk bed for 5 years and yet, here i am typing on my laptop from my top bunk. I did mention that we moved, yes? Here I have the top bunk in a room shared by three people, though I am going to have it all to myself this two weeks while the others go of to the hospital.

I got a few magazines the other day, Japanese magazines. Heh. But really, I can read a little of them, and I can get what they are trying to say most of the time but I can only do this bit by bit because, it is tiring. You might not believe that reading can actually be tiring but, believe me, it is. I'm self taught, and for the kanji I mostly do a lot of guess work. In a way, it's like a miracle that I can actually get what they're saying. Though really, for every 10 short sentences, I understand -fully- maybe around one and a half sentences only. When I think about it, I maybe doing this whole Japanese language thing wrong. Ah well. Who's to say?

Just thought I'd open a window and just type tonight. Would you believe me if I said that what I say usually goes through at least two to three strainers? It's really lame. But I just edited this. Again. Oh dear.

As I write this, I'm actually listening to Justin Bieber. I have no idea either.

I would like to write a message to a person who will never read this anyway but yeah, that's life, and I am poultry: Sorry to hear about the food poisoning. Take a lot of liquids. Drink 100 plus for electrolytes and also lots of plain water. You're feeling weak because you're getting dehydrated. I don't know what meds to recommend you for the food poisoning (yes I am stupid, and I forgot), sorry. But yeah. Liquids. And I suppose just wait it out. And hygiene. Hope you get well soon.

Did I mention I was some species of poultry? Yeah, well.

I recently realize I have an almost uniform length for my posts. Here's to hoping I break it in this post. ;)

Wake up Call

akunona

p/s: Closing line is a song title too.

there is such a thing as too much free time

Short semester classes have started for me yesterday. On the first day that the short semester started. While my next class is on the ninth of March which is not for another two weeks or so. Oh my god.

I am bored.

It's just that the allotted time does not seem proportional to a credit hours this subject has!!
It's a relatively small subject and I'm stuck for all three weeks of the short semester. And I can't go home in between classes because somehow, this does not sit well with me. I mean, I still have classes! I can't skip out! Not that I'm actually skipping out or anything.

Can you assassinate your consciousness? Because that would make things so much more easier.

All my house mates are moving forward. They're already doing their PADAS. Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm not in any way angry or jealous or anything. I am being entirely truthful when I say that I'm actually kind off grateful for this short break. Because I need it. Even if I am bored.

On the other hand this is merely delaying the inevitable, but yeah, a breather is a breather. And not something to turn your nose up against.

I haven't really been doing anything.

I studied for oral medicine a few nights ago, before class. Managed to answer most of the questions but couldn't exactly follow in the end because I hadn't finished reading up. I should probably continue doing that. Hmmmmm....

I actually have somethings I wanted to write about but you know how it is. Every time you manage to open up the window and sit down to type is the time everything you want to talk about flies away.

Ah well.

twiddlingmythumbs

akunona

Long time no connection

I finally have internetzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though this is on broadband. Which I recently bought, due to stories from seniors and preparations for the months ahead when I finally get to enter my co-ass thingy. And my previous internet provider being lame and leech-y, we terminated that and bought broadband. Oh my god.

Also, I am moving.

Not that I actually want to, but when the rent suddenly goes up without adequate warning, and what with us all having extra expenses recently, we decided to move. Actually, it's more like, we had to move. If we didn't we'd pretty much bleed dry. Or something. You can tell, I haven't been writing all that much. It's not coming out as I want it too. Hurmmmm....

Anyways, we are moving. My room is pretty much empty now, we're all sleeping in Aqilah's room for the time being. Tomorrow we move for real. In which, we're finally sleeping there. Or something some such. We're gonna share three to a room. So bye-bye privacy. And I'll have to make an effort to be less messy, or at least, contain the mess to my part of the room.

I love this house and am pretty sad to leave it. A sentiment shared by pretty much everyone right now. But, yeah. We can't help it. Or something.

I not being very eloquent nor intelligible right now. Ignore me.

I'm sad.

And my short semester class starts next Monday. I'm planning on taking Saturday and Sunday to read up on the subject, I cannot afford to fail of course. We'll see. Nona will do her best. Yeah.

*punches fist into the air*

OSCE : PASSED

Integration-Blok 29-the-stupid-because-I-did-not-study-worth-shit: PASSED

Skill lab-Blok 29-the-stupid-that-I-was-convinced-I-failed-because-it-was-after-that-fucking-day-that-fucking-thing-happened-and-the-lecturer-was-being-a-major-bitch-and-was-speaking-in-alien-because-I-had-no-idea-what-she-was-asking-and-I-fucking-CRIED-after: PASSED

Skill lab-Blok 30-that-was-all-levels-of-stupid-on-my-part-I-admit-wholeheartedly-because-I-WAS: PASSED

Alhamdulillah, syukur. I passed. No tripping. (this time around).

Now, I'm waiting for Integration Blok 30 results, which are supposed to come out sometime next week.

InsyaAllah, no more tripping up anywhere. I still have that oral medicine thing coming on the 21st of February. So, all the best for that, hopefully.


Nowadays, it's kinda like being in limbo, because we don't have any classes any more but the short semester hasn't started yet, so, I'm bored. And getting fat. Because I'm not exercising. Aww, nuts.


Expect a post on how awesome Arashi is. You can not read it. Who gives anyway? I'm in love.

peace
akunona

"So my brain eloped with my stomach and now I'm brain dead and hungry as hell"

Also known as, "What happens to Nona when she studies for One and a half day straight with only regular breaks for prayers and a meal."

We have finished the second integration exam for blok 30. We still have the skill lab test on Wednesday but I that's for later. The point is, apparently that was our last theory exam.

Huh.

Where the hell did three years go to?

Skill lab on Wednesday, and then maybe some remedial papers if I tripped up somewhere, then my short semester for that one thing I did trip up, then I will have finished the Theoretical leg of my 5 year study in Medicine, thus beginning the Clinical leg, which I am very, very apprehensive off. Theoretical knowledge will only get you so far, or so they say. I also need immediate ass kissing skills? I shall respect, and kowtow to your white-coat wearing genius? Oh god, I hope I pull through with out any problems.

Just came home around an hour ago, we had lunch at 'Hanamasa' but, late lunch as it was, we don't need dinner now. And I managed to buy a taiyaki ice-cream and marble cheese cake. Hmm, dessert. There shall never be any universe where taiyaki ice-cream and marble cheese cake are not relevant, because they are. Very, very relevant.

I'm really sleep now. Only 3 hours of sleep today, and then to the mall to stuff my ugly face. It was either that or sleep straight through the day, anyway. I'm gonna get ready for bed? Maybe, it's only 8pm. So, to end this pointless little update;

live long and prosper

akunona

p/s: no I'm not a trekkie. I had just read a star trek themed fanfic. It was hilarious.