In around 12 hours I think. Allowing for travel time, delay and pesky time zones. I'll be home. In Buntut Pulau. After almost two years of not being home.
I asked my sister if I even had any clothes left at home. She said I didn't. Which, while understandable (I wasn't there, was I? Why would I need it?) still sort of stings. But I'm only going to be home until Sunday, when I'll fly back here for graduation. It's really due to a series of misunderstanding and bad luck on my side to the rules and regulations of foreign students and immigration laws. So yeah. And good luck that there was a promotion going on, so I got my tickets fairly cheap.
The last time I was home was in December 2010 for Christmas and New Year's. Even if I spent the first of January traveling back here. At that time, I was convinced that it would be the last time I would be going home on holiday until I've done med school. And I was right.
I am very, very excited. As you can tell by my written words of unbridled joy.
Sorry, I've been watching too much British panel game shows. They are amazing. British humor.
Last night, I had a chat with my brother and he asked me my opinion on the color schemes for his wedding. He said the theme was going to be Tiffany Blue, and asked me what would our family wear to match it?
The conversation then goes like this :
Abang : The wedding theme is Tiffany Blue
Me : Tiffany Blue is what? Tiffany having cyanosis?
I then proceeded to refer to it as Tiffany's cyanotic coloring.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am single. Though, after I googled it, Tiffany Blue is a rather pretty color.
So recently, due to reasons that I have yet to comprehend, I find myself very excited and very interested in History. Particularly World War II history. Now don't expect me to dive into an intellectual discussion of World War II and so on and so forth. I have never been taught to a decently high level on WWII. The history modules of secondary school education in my country being woefully boring and focusing more on the Malaysian aspect of it, I never really learnt all that much beyond the point of, yes we were an occupied country, the Japanese occupation was bad, the Malayan Emergency was very bad. And that generally was it. We have a really redundant education system where the focus of said education is exam taking with all the guts and glory to those students who score impressive amounts of A's in their national exams and no focus at all on what to do next. But that's another story. This current, meandering, slightly irreverent (and maybe irrelevant) essay is on what I found interesting about World War II. The story, not the war itself. Because if history has ever taught us anything, and in the case of WWII specifically, it is that war, is BAD.
Today's your birthday. I don't know why my mind persists in remembering this, but it does. Today is your birthday. Well, the 9th is. If this turns up posted on the 10th.
So happy birthday to you. May you have an awesome year and years and years ahead. I have no idea what you're doing now. Last I heard you're working. As what? I have not the slightest idea.
I have no idea why I still remember you. With all the stuff you've said about me. I'm sure it's a pretty little ego stroke. But I'm sorry that I was never pretty. Even though I have always been little. I'm sure you're happy where ever you are. I'm doing good. Oh, don't worry. I don't really love you anymore. It's more like a soft spot. A little bit of sentimentality (a disturbed state of mind). You will always be kind of, sort of important.
Hey, you can even say, you made me who I am today. Though that's mostly my fault, innit?
The other day, I had a conversation with a housemate before she went home to Malaysia. She was telling me about her ailing grandma and how they had to look after her and how her mind is going. What really struck me was a small part of the conversation in which my friend says, when her grand ma came back from the local kopitiam and saying that she had met so and so and they had a really nice chat where so and so had actually passed away years ago. And her mother (my friend's mother) on hearing this, said, "Astaghfirullah mak, mengucap. Dia kan dah meninggal lama dah."
And that bit was what gets me. How immediate response is to something that may or may not be mystical. Grandma thought that she saw the ghost of her friend at the kopitiam and they had a chat. Not, grandma's mind is degenerating due to Alzheimer. There's little way that I can say this that will not sound pretentious and rude in the religious sort of way? I don't know. I wish I had a better way with words.
But the point is, I don't really like that kind of mentality. Grandma quite clearly has Alzheimer, but the norm and the social background will almost always fall in the mystical category. They should get grandma treatment? But I can't really say anything.
Simultaneously the highest form of praise and insult that a friend has said to me these past one and a half years of co-assitantship. This friend has also said that I am a different person at work and at home. Which is also, pretty damn observant of her but not the point of what I'm going to be writing today.
So, yeah. One and a half year of being a co-ass. How does that feel? One of the best sayings is;
"Koas itu manis untuk dikenang, pahit untuk diulang"
Sums it all in one sentence. Means basically that reminiscing is good, repeating is bad.
So last Monday, the 26th of November, my batch, which is the cool and totally awesome 2007 batch, held a goodbye dinner. Because we are graduating. At least, a majority of us are graduating. (where did my life go?) And among the many fun and tear-jerking things that we did that night was an award ceremony, in which we voted for people in certain predetermined categories and guess what? I won the "Book Worm" category by a landslide. My nerd spirit rejoices with this acknowledgement of profound book consumption. Though I think this pretty much shoots down any preconceived notions that I may have had for being, you know, cool. But it's a small part of me anyway. The nerd has really, and truly finally be acknowledged.
So yeah, I got this really cool hot pink sash which mentions my honorary status as resident book worm written in fairly cheap fabric writing ink thingy, and a cheap brooch. We had a limited budget, trust me, I know. I'm part of the committee. In fact I head the freaking dinner committee. In which now, I will gracefully segue into a small rant on punctuality and the amazingly depressing lack there of.
As head of the committee (unofficial head, I stepped in after the previous also randomly elected leader walked out on us because there was some problems with public opinions being too public and opinion-ish) organizing the thingamajig, I had made an announcement that said activities will start at 1830 hours. I had expected, that as would be doctors and all around already grown up and responsible persons, the latest anyone would be was 1845. And I was prepared for it. The worst case scenario was that we would start at maybe 1900 hours.
But woe is me, yet again, I have been proven too naive. The nerd has a very idealistic view on life in where people actually know how to read a clock. By 1900, there were only maybe less than 25 of the confirmed 71 attendees.
Yes. I call this, the unfortunate Malay Syndrome. Where among the things that happen in Malay syndrome is that, when they say that they are "on the way", it actually means that they are on the way to the toilet to get ready. They have not even dressed yet. The three little words that are guaranteed to make me cringe in despair, "On The Way". So, say you have a date, and you're there on time because you actually have a concept of time and said date is not even there yet. You call them, and they say, "Oh, I'm on my way." Or maybe, if said person is a man of few words, will then reply with OTW. Despair, because now you can safely say, that you will die of starvation before said other party is out of their house. I hyperbole you not.
Okay so maybe I'm being too dramatic. But I expected better of my friends. Even my committee minions were late. And that says something.
Also, I tell you, I am the only girl I know who can get ready in less than 10 minutes. I kid you not. Now that I have made that statement, I expect to be beating them back with a stick any day now. But I guess one of the things that I did wrong that day was because I forgot to factor the fact that women, at least, other women who are not me, basically needs a minimal of one and a half hours to get ready.
So yeah, take note.
Actually, I think the worst thing about this lack of punctuality is the fact that everyone expects it. It is a god given fact that any thing organized in this region will never start on time. And everyone expects this. And because they expect this, they will be like "I don't have to be early, it's going to start late anyway. We'll just be wasting our time if we go there early." And because everyone has the same expectation and reaction, they all come late and the ceremony starts late. And they're all smug like, "We said so."
But, what I think nobody realizes is that, when everyone expects and reacts that way, they are actually causing the entire thing to start late. Can you start anything when there are no participants? No. So we have to wait for them. And we wait for them. And we keep on waiting.
And because this is a mass reaction, even the committee expects and reacts the same way, making lateness inevitable. What happens is a vicious cycle of non-punctuality. (inpunctuality? is that even a word?)
It's a problem of behavior. The hardest thing to change.
And with that little note, have this really awesome poster I found at Pangandaran.
It's a poster that advises you to take Kina. An old drug used for Malaria. (We don't really use Kina anymore because of the bad side effects).
But not really. Maybe there was a shortage. Maybe we had too much faith in out own indestructibility. Maybe we're just that stupid. But last Wednesday, I and 5 Other people, willfully jumped in a river, during the rainy season, with life jackets and 4 guides. I don't know how to swim other than keeping myself afloat and maybe the backstroke.
Not something I'll probably do again any time soon. If we went during the hot season, where apparently, the currents aren't as rapid and the scenery would also be more beautiful, I might contemplate doing it again. But that will be somewhere in the really far, really distant future.
But dammit if it wasn't scary fun. Scary but also fun. When you are safely dry, in your room, in front of your computer and reminiscing. Scary fun. While in the water, shaking from the cold, feeling the current pull at your legs and your knee aching from where you smashed it on an unseen rock under all that water, and you're remembering that you can't swim for nuts, and your nose is aching from all that river water you snorted up during that tumble over the rapids (where you also bashed your knee) and grabbing hold on a rock for dear, dear life, all you're really thinking is "I can't believe I'm doing this" and "Get me out of here".
Funny how hindsight can also be pretty dumb.
It was really kinda epic though.
So, to explain, a bunch of us went to Pangandaran and Green Canyon last Tuesday to Thursday. That thing with the water and rapids was at The Green canyon. Normally, when the river isn't overflowing from the rain, it's supposed to be really pretty. With green colored water and nature. And you know. That kinda stuff. You can swim down the river and enjoy the view. Or do some body rafting or some such nature stuff. Right now, if you didn't know, it's the rainy season and the river is something of a yellow dirt color and swollen because of constant rain fall. But we jumped in regardless. Which is why self preservation isn't exactly available right now.
On Thursday, we went to Cagar Alam, a kinda nature reserve where we tracked through the forest and saw caves and weirdly shaped stalactites and stalagmites. On of the caves there was a man made cave made by the Japanese (I say Japanese made but what I really mean, is they pointed the guns at prisoners and made them carve it out manually). It was pretty awesome. I mean really awesome. The WWII buff in me had a field day. They had all kinds of tricks in it. Like a fake entrance, and a fake exit. Holding cells and torture rooms. It's a shame that we couldn't see most of it because the rain had made it really slippery and apparently dangerous, so we only like, took a gander and came out the fake exit. I was pretty excited over it though. Even gave a really short lecture on the history of world war II in Malaysia and how what I found out really blew my mind. (I might write about it if I can collect enough guts to make my opinion known on the interwebs).
It sounds like we didn't really do much but with all that walking and climbing and tandem bicycling and getting swept by the currents thing, we were pretty wiped out.
So all in all, I can safely say this is the most fun I've had in the past two years or maybe more plus. Excepting of course, when my family came to visit because family tops everything.
And that's it for this post. I'mma have to take care of revisions tomorrow and as much as I like being a student and everything, I hate this shit so, so much.
You know, that song that's practically bored its way into your skull and there's no way you can get it out. No matter what you do, you are doomed to forever hum it. At least, until your brain kicks it out. But before that, you are doomed to hum it, sing it, jiggle to it and basically have it annoy you to the ends of the earth and back. And then, have you annoy everyone else with it as well, because you are physically unable to sing another song. Any other song. You might try, and manage a verse or two or a chorus before, when you realize it, you're back to humming that blasted ear worm.
So yeah. Dumb ways to die. SO many dumb ways to die.
I've been humming that absolutely all the time. And I just learnt the chords because, maybe, just maybe, giving it a form to come out with may abate its insistent droning in my head. Seems about alright now though.
So Anyway, I finished my degree? I think? I have another result that I'm currently waiting for and yeah, I really, really hope I'll pass.
Tonight I'll be off with some friends to this place called Pengandaran and The Green Canyon. Yeah, we know it's the rainy season and honestly, we don't care. I've finished packing my bag this afternoon, now all that's left is to wait for our ride. :)
I'll write about it soon. I've been planning to write some really long post about my co-ass experience but haven't been able to sit down and write, so till then, maybe.
Have a nice holiday everyone, Ignore the rain. It happens.
Back from Karawang since Saturday evening. It was fun, we had fun. Or at least, as much fun as can be had anyway.
Now exams are upon us, and I know sh*t. 8D
Watch me as I freak out. And there you have my current situation. (A small irritating voice is telling me I can handle this if I would just stop procrastinating on the net, but I killed it).
cheers
akunona
p/s: I'll probably write a more decent entry after all this is over.
So I had one this afternoon. A break down. It was epic. Pathetically epic. Like hell.
I had my exam today. You know. That exam on that paper we were supposed to write in two weeks. It isn't just any paper. It is a study report. With basically no know how, we were directed to do a descriptive study at our appointed locations. And not to mention the lectures on how to actually go about making a study were held while we were doing our study. So, in essence, what it became was something like this.
No one knew how the heck do we go about writing chapter three while we were due to present our progress (chapters 1 - 3) in three days.
Every one went, just fuck this, we'll just follow what the theory says.
Paper gets done until chapter 3
Next day, lecturer comes in and teaches us how to write chapter 3 after the fact that we had already presented to progress report to our tutor where we were spectacularly yelled at for being stupid.
Rinse and repeat for practically every chapter.
Sometimes, though, if you're lucky, you'll get taught before you've proceeded. Though this is very not recommended because you have only two weeks to write it up. And it you waited for the lecturers to come in and teach you first, well. Good luck with that.
Basically, it was crap in a hand basket, thrown of a ten floor building. Fun. Like you've never seen before.
But that's done. Paper got finished one day before deadline. I spent every day of this week coming home late, because I had to stay back and write that damn paper. With or without the help of my groupmates. We were a very cohesive group of bullshit. I still have residual headache.
Then this afternoon, we found out where we'll be posted next, in the nooks. So, I found out I was posted in a four person group. One is my own group mate, whom even if I love with all my heart, I feel is too early that I have to work with her still. One is a guy who is pretty much not dependable. At all. You'd think a guy like that would have a sense of responsibility, and yet. And another girl who I have not worked with, have no idea how she works, and yet I am apprehensive because of my recent experiences. I don't know. I hate everything. The clinic we're posted to is apparently a new one, and no co-ass has ever been there before. Which makes it harder for us. And not to mention I don't want any extra responsibilities anymore. Seriously Let me be a sleeper member or something. Please. I want some one I can talk to. Some one who actually speaks Malaysian maybe. Why the hell am I the only Malaysian in my group? Seriously? Why? And then people keep saying that the division is fair. You get a well balanced group. I could die. Seriously. I could. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry again.
It was pretty pathetic. Like a kid throwing a tantrum. Yes. I am immature. I am stressed. I hate pretty much anything right now. I want to run away from all this crap. Give me a break. Or at least group mates whom I can enjoy myself with. Or something. Why does everyone else gets to go with their best friends? The heck is wrong with me? The heck is wrong with you?
Like I said, I hate pretty much everything right now. Anyway.
I'm gonna go sleep now
"seriously, can I cut off your balls and call you a girl?"
So, yeah. As students, as pertaining to the fact that we had all started our clinical years and concurrently, our tour of duty, so to say, we had all agreed to find cheaper accommodations As a result, right now, I live in a room with two other girls. It's all of course, well and good if the room was big, but it isn't. And as girls, the crap each of us has accumulated in these past years, is of course overwhelming. As medical students, we also have a crap load of books. Very thick, very heavy, very large books. Which are crammed every which way. There are also the photocopies, which are numerous and everywhere. Not to mention that I read everything, so, we also have a collection of novels, comics and newspapers. Make up, clothes, random pieces of life, bags, tudung, toiletries. They are everywhere.
And then there are three bodies here. In which I mean there are three of us, not three bodies in the literal sense, because that would be creepy and ridiculously unhygienic. We can't move without stepping on each other's toes. If one of us lies down on an available part of the floor, she would effectively stop traffic in and about the room. If either of us stood just inside the door, they would be in danger of getting their head banged on the door, or being crushed under my book selves. Which is deadly, because like I already mentioned, we are medical students. We have books thicker than my thighs.
It's hot, it's cramped, and privacy is nonexistent. You can hide in the toilet and people can still hear you cry. You can climb up to the roof, (which is actually where we hang out our clothes) to have a private conversation and people can still hear you if their doors are open, or if they walked out to wash cutlery (because the stairs up to the roof are situated above the sink.)
But then again, I have never been in company as good as this in ages. So yeah. ただ我慢して
In other news, I have a paper that still needs to be written. My group mates are mostly unreliable neanderthals and no one wants to take any initiative. I'm not going to either because I'm tired. It's always me. Gimme a break. And buy me an ice-cream while you're at it. Also, please, please, please, do your job. Or I swear I'm gonna start crying soon.
My other group, which is my PTM group, on the other hand managed to hold our event to little error. We were a little bit over time, but all in all, it was pretty good. Could have gone better, it wasn't perfect, but I think we did pretty good for a bunch of first timers. I had to give a talk during the second session. It went pretty well, sure some kids didn't exactly listen, but I had fun. It made me realize again why I want to teach. :) Apparently, some of my friends said I was pretty good. Managed to get a laugh or two. I had a good time. A little bit weak at the ending though. So can pretty much learn to do better.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for the night, time to sleep and hopefully dream of awesome things. Like Japanese boybands and being at their concert. Or you know ...
Please, I don't really have much of it left. And I need what ever's left at all to go through the next few weeks until I can call myself a graduate.
A little rant to sooth my soul.
Please, please, all of you. Even that poor consultant who insisted we all learn and get proficient in English, because aren't you all ashamed of yourselves? And you call yourself medical students. But you don't even speak a word of English. Please.
Learn the difference between Angle and Angel. There is a difference. Heck. It's even spelled differently. Couldn't clue you in any more than that.
Angle. Hard G. "ng" sound
Angel. Soft G, like a J. Like Jelly.
Please. For my sanity, if anyone pronounces Epidemiological Triangle as Tri-Angel again, I won't be responsible if I kill you. I'd even laugh all the while.
Last time I was here I was going to write about something deep to do with friendship and camaraderie and what not. But the internet then went out on me, so that inspirationship has sailed. It was mostly because I had just come off watching Band Of Brothers, so yeah. I kept telling everyone it was because I was explosion crazy. But not really. I just wanted friends like that. Just a group of people I would trust with my life and vice versa. I don't know. I have friends. As antisocial as I may be with all my nerdy book reading and everything. It isn't like I don't like having a friend I can talk to. I was just jealous of those guys for what they had. But then again, being bombed at would of course make you friends for life. It was awesome. That series. I sniffled through the ending where they revealed who was who.
So anyway, here in Jakarta for my last posting. Say hello to Community Medicine also known as Hell by Ukrida. It's not really that hard, really? But the campus sort of makes it suck for you. They make it very very difficult for you. For example, we were set with listing 21 topics for a pilot project that had to be planned completely on Saturday, of which 7 will be approved, and we'll have to write up a proposal by Tuesday. For said proposal to be written, we of course need a topic, and seeing as said topic is not yet available, we only have tomorrow (Monday) to do it. We have to have an acceptable venue, plan the whole itinerary, logistics and consumption details, budgets, basically everything in ONE day. I am giving myself preemptive ulcers just by thinking this. I have no idea how we're going to pull this out of our asses, in one day. But we have to. Because there is a theory that this certain consultant is actually a demon reincarnate. She probably drinks the blood,sweat and tears of coass for breakfast. Or something. I don't like her approach. If people are too scared to approach you for anything, you're very possibly doing something wrong. Fear, while a great motivator, also sets you up for being cursed for very much as long as you live. Look at like say, the other consultant. People actually respect him. And I think that respect earns him better work than any fear addled mind can produce. But that's just me and I have no say in this.
Yesterday, after a long period of silence, the dictator in me, made itself known, and I had fun delegating. Really. It was fun handling a group of people. Though I probably frustrated a few people. But, hey. Not that I'm stepping up and taking any important jobs or anything. I don't want anymore responsibility than necessary. So that's that.
Anyway, here's to the fourth IKM batch. Let's get through these next 9 weeks intact, not kill each other, and not kill ourselves while we're at it. As tempting as burning down certain institutes of higher learning might sound, we shall refrain and learn to take the pressure like the adults we are. Curse words and every other shit that we might do and say notwithstanding.
In response to a person, who isn't even our consultant, who kept running off her mouth, blaming us Coass for everything and anything under the sun while making jibes at our collective mental abilities and lack there of when the investigation has proven quite clearly that it wasn't us, nor was it ever us, I drew this.
Clearly I am dissatisfied with your biased judgement. Just because we are still learning, doesn't mean we don't know how to be professional. And any respect I had for you has committed suicide by harakiri. They have kept their honor.
Eat my proverbial bullets.
In other news. IT'S THE 18th TOMORROW!!!! I am excite. Thank you very much. Though I am still figuring out logistics as to how I'm going to get there. I can't be on time because work ends at 3 o'clock but to heck with it, I'll give it a go.
The picture was drawn in msPaint as usual, with mouse and a lot hand cramps. I still cannot color shit worth anything. And I enjoy drawing yellow artillery. I have no idea why.
Maybe I'll write something worthwhile some time later. There are things that have happened and really, they would be much proper subjects but, yeah. Yellow artillery.
So today, I am exactly one year older than I was on this date last year.
Happy 24th Birthday to me. :)
Haven't been doing anything worthwhile though. I have exams these coming Tuesday and I'm supposed to be hunkering down over my books reading and reading and you know. But seems as that's currently not going anywhere, I decided to stop and write up a post instead. So hey
I'm sure that everyone would like to make wishes or what not on their birthdays. Or a general resolution or aim or what ever. I haven't had a thought in that general direction yet. So I probably not make any life changing decisions or changes on my principles or anything. I think I'll just enjoy whatever's coming. InsyaAllah.
Mum and Dad and the whole hoard are coming over this next Saturday! I am excite though not much can be conveyed through these words. Just so you know, I wake up everyday, reminding my self I'll be meeting them soon and getting giddy all over it. Mature I am not.
So yeah. Exams this coming Tuesday. Should probably concentrate on that. Then we'll consider going out to buy stuff and eat stuff and everything stuff.
*Waves through the dust which has accumulated through my life*
Hi. I just realized that this coass thing has really cut into my blogging life. Not that I actually blog all that much in the first place. So yeah. You can probably guess what that does now.
So anyway. Ramadhan has begun. Last week to be exact. Alhamdulillah for another chance. let this year be better than the last. And there maybe a possibility that my family, I mean my entire close family, will be coming here at the end of ramadhan and we'll be celebrating Raya Aidilfitri together here in Jakarta.
You cannot believe how happy I am about this.
So I had my laptop repaired again yesterday. At the same place because the guys seemed nice. Even though I had the vague feeling of being cheated anyway. But hey. I had to have my keyboard replaced now. As you know, my keyboard was being ridiculous and typing different letters every time I typed certain letters. That was not very conducive to paper writing. Which is something that I had to do. So yeah, had to have it replaced. Because paper writing. Sheesh. Also random homework set by really evil consultants. Eat my soul why don't you. I'm poor right now.
Oh, and then he said he liked a girl with hairy arms like mine. Uh, yeah. There is a first for everything.
There's this song called "If I die young" by The Band Perry. And in the lyrics, there's a part that goes like this:
If I die young, bury me in satin Lie me down in a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song
That line. Right there. Sink me in the river at dawn.
You know what came to mind? My forensics posting. So it's maybe just my brain but I immediately recalled all the drowned bodies we had to autopsy. As romantic as that may sound and everything, really not the prettiest you'll ever look. And that smell. We could tell if there was a drowned body a mile away from the lab. Not pretty that. Really.
So now that I've disgusted you all, have a nice day. I have that paper to write.
Hiya. I ain't dead yet. Though coming pretty close.
Lots of things happening. Babies being delivered and all that crap. You know. I'm gonna make this really short because my keyboard's wonky after I had it repaired the other day. Typing long paragraphs need more patience than I can spare right now. I'll have to get it repaired again soon. Right now, if I type, some other letter appears if I press certain ones. I am constantly editing this shit. Here's an example of an unedited sentence:
"hi my name ils nowna and i slike two draow becaulse i am bowred als aslls fuck.x"
guess which letters. The paranoid in me thinks its a ploy by making something else in my laptop not work, they're hoping to make more money of me. Sucks to them because I'm poor right now. Poor enough to put off repairs. A sad day.
So anyway, obstetrics is not fun business and I find myself actively loathing this shit. Like a slow burning hate kinda thing. Sometimes I feel fine. But then, there are days I look at the hospital and consider running in the opposite direction. Far, far away.
The picture above was drawn in a fit of creativity born from browsing peoples' deviant art accounts. And procrastination. Always procrastination. Somehow, I really want to do something like this. All the neon colors that I would never wear. I love Death Berry's colors and Flutter Shark's name. Wonder if I'll have the guts one day.
Back to the picture, it was drawn in mspaint directly on the base picture. To great hand cramps. I figure I'm going about it the hard way? But I like it. It's how I figured it out, so yeah. The original is a picture of me in scrubs standing in the OT at one of the various hospitals I've been posted. I drew on it, added that alien cat thingy to great amusement and voila, around three hours wasted. Ah well. You win some, you lose some. I didn't even realize so much time passed. Haha. If only I could emulate that same focus to studying :)
Anyway, that's all for today folks. I am this close to hitting my keyboard with a stick, so to avoid furthur property damage, I bid you Adieu.
... one day the right
person will touch your heart in a good way :)
I'm sure I'm the only one who, when having read this line, had a mental image of an open heart surgery, with the surgeon holding the heart and then screaming, "Let's bypass the shit out of this baby!!!".
Yeah.
And then there's this motivational poster:
And rather then be motivated or whatever, I end up thinking, you're probably gonna die anyway if your ECG looks like that. And then my brain went of on tangents like how much adrenaline was needed for an anaphylactic shock.
So yeah. And then I wonder why people think I'm weird.
Coming up on Saturday of the 4th week of my ENT posting. Which of course means only one thing; exams next week. argh
The doctor has already hinted that we may get patients tomorrow if there are any good cases. If anything most cases would be otitis. Or maybe foreign bodies. But I heard they rarely make exam case grade. We had an awesome case of vasomotor rhinitis today. Very classic. But yeah. Not yet exam week, so no chance there.
The other day, while heading to the office, I heard someone call my name. I looked around and there was this guy who I have no idea who he was smiling at me. We shook hands and then I apologized because I had no idea who he was. Thank god he didn't seem offended and just answered that he is the son of one of the patients I had during neurology posting. Not that I could remember which patient that was either. -__-
I asked after her of course. How's she doing, progresses, controls, the works. Then made as if I was busy and scat. When in doubt, bustle. Rule of thumb. Always look like you know what the hell you're doing. Also very important.
It's JUNE, surprise! Okay, it has been June for 9 days already. But the point being that I have around 4 months a few days left before I'm done. Hopefully. InsyaAllah. If I don't get stuck anywhere. I have two more postings left, namely obstetrics gynecology and community medicine. I'm not really looking forward to any of them. Surprise. I keep telling people I'm suffering for cognitive regression and no one believes me. I really am that lazy now. So yeah. InsyaAllah, dipermudahkan, tenang dan lancar.
So that's all the rant for today. See you sometime. :)
A direct translation for Under the Weather which unfortunately brings
no meaning what so ever.
So I'm sick.
I haven't
been sick for a while actually. It's starting to become a rather novel
experience. Not really. Throbbing headache aside, I feel fine already.
Had a bit of a fever yesterday which I handled by mostly sleeping it off
because I'd run out of paracetamol. Odd, that. Since that's basically
my mum's answer to everything. Not that she's far off, since that's what
mostly us kids complain about. Oh, and Vicks. Mum really loves Vicks. I
haven't any of that though right now. Finished my last jar years ago.
No
real thing to write about but I was thinking about the various
instances in which I was sick during these Coass year and a half. The
most memorable being the fainting incident of IPD posting. Though to be
fair, I was exhausted and dehydrated. Hahaha. Memories, that one. Very
fond ones.
Then the Bile-Puking-incident of Pediatrics
posting in which I puked for the entire night I was on call and still
had to go on stand by in the OT for a cesarean. That one makes top list
as well. Sad that no one did anything but let me sleep. I doubt my
doctor even knew I was sick. Huh.
Also in IPD posting
was the Viral-Incident-of-really-high-fever-and-diarrhea in which I
touched 40 degrees in one night. And I was scheduled for on call as
well, though I was better by the afternoon. They thought I had measles
that time. I was pretty much convinced it was viral. Seeing as that
particular incident resolved by the afternoon, I'm pretty sure I'm
right. I remember that one particularly because we had an emergency case
that night and every time I called my consultant to report the patient
he would ask me if I was alright and made me promise to rest up if I was
feeling peaky again.
After that, not really a lot of
bad incidences. Just your random fevers and headaches. But I get tension
type headaches on a regular basis. So no worries.
No
one ever fusses over me though. They just let me sleep. haha. And I'm
just starting to realize that my most memorable incidences of being sick
only happens at that one hospital. Either they're working me too hard
or the food around there is really bad. So huh.
I'm
glad I had all these experiences though. Builds character? Haha. Though
my friends would probably call me crazy and then scream at me for
expecting them to do the same. Wouldn't be the first time. I love you
anyways :)
So yeah. I'd better go take something for
this monster of a headache and go to sleep. May this headache be gone by
morning.
alternate title :
I have a headache the size of my brain
Pretty much a lot of things happened in the time between my last update and now. I don't think I can get everything, mainly because the feelings are already different. Haha. Anyway. I'll do my best writing what ever it is I opened this window to write.
So Neurology posting has already ended last Saturday, today I started a new posting. Right now, doing ENT though still at the same hospital. It's sort of weird still being at the same hospital when all your group mates who shared all the ups and downs and the weirdness of the last posting together. I'll never get used to this. It sort of feels like being abandoned somehow. I know, rather dramatic but yeah. I end up feeling lonely. Like now. I'm still living at the same kost I used during Neurology, because moving is such a hassle and morning commute from jakarta is a nightmare born from the depths of public transportation hell. So yeah. But because Nadia and Atiqah used to live here to, it feels kinda weird. Not that I usually went to hang out at their room or anything, but the feeling that there's someone else there, sort of feels safe. Not that there aren't any friends here, there are. But yeah.
So ENT posting? Nothing to comment on yet. It's just been the first day. I'm sleepy and I don't really want to study. A feeling sadly, that has been prevailing recently. I say I'm tired. Not physically, the weekend really helped. But mentally. I can't take it anymore maybe? I need a break. That's what I want.
Actually, I want to go home. I really, really want to go home. But circumstances do not seem in my favor. Hasn't been. Doesn't seem to be heading in that general direction either. So, yeah. Kinda sucks at the moment.
I don't know.
Feeling kinda lethargic.
In other recent happenings, we were called the worst group ever to pass through the vaulted halls of the RSBY Neurology posting. Yeah. We were just that dumb apparently. Even me. But expectations are generally far from reality, and the reality is I'm kinda dumb as well. So yeah. You can take your expectations and shove it some place where the sun don't shine. Or something.
Question; if I don't reach (or even exceed) someone's expectation of me, is it my fault for not trying hard enough (or for not being smart enough) or is it their fault for being unrealistic?
I know who I'm blaming of course. If you know me well you would know as well. I wonder if anyone knows me that well? Huh.
I have a recent vague feeling of being, well... vague. Like I don't leave any sort of impression anywhere. Like I just pass through. Like smoke. Or something. Maybe it's just me. I mean, I get surprised when people know who I am during pre-clinic days. It feels like I haven't made any deep relations. But I don't know why that feels so important to me right now.
One of my consultants during Neurology said to me,"I can see you have a lot of drive, but if you want to succeed, you should find friends who have the same drive as you."
In a way, he was telling me to not be friends with my group mates? I have no idea. But I was generally burnt out around the third week, so it was all down hill from there. At full speed ahead because some one cut the brakes.
And it all ended with a spectacular explosion.
Recently, I finished watching Matsujun's latest drama Lucky 7. Though for the most part there were only six because one of the mains had a movie filming as well and was unavailable. Haha. It's the first Matsujun drama I finished and actually liked since Hana Yori Dango. And that's saying something. Because Hana Yori Dango 1 was in 2007-ish. Or was it 2006-ish? Either abouts lah. Pretty awesome. Especially the action scenes. Because Matsujun is bad ass in it. Though Eita's character pretty much steals the show every time he appears. Maybe it's good he had to go for movie filming. Haha. Poor Matssun. But his new hair cut is cool.
I miss fangirling Arashi with my group of friends. We'd got to karaoke and sing japanese songs even if none of us actually know how to read kanji and sometimes end up making up words as we go along. It's fun. And we'd always try to finish the session with A-Ra-Shi. Hahaha. It's kinda cute.
Anything else? I should try to sleep maybe? Since I still have to go in tomorrow. Minor posting or not, it generally sucks.
Ah well. Till next time. When I make more sense probably.
Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to mummy. You're awesome. Because if you weren't then I wouldn't be awesome. And I am awesome. Which of course, means you're awesome. Logic. Pure and simple.
There was also once a reason why I opened this window. I can't remember it now though. This window has been open for like an hour and a half, blinking cursor inviting words to be written. Memories recorded. But then I got lazy and watched cat videos. Or not really. Because I watched dance videos. Because I can't dance worth shit. And I also miss my kitties back home.
I'm supposed to be getting ready for the late on call shift. Supposed of course is being the key word here. I am currently sitting in front of my laptop, arms resting on a pile of books that I'm currently looking through so I can make a case analysis, wearing my orange sleeveless and maroon red three quarter shorts. In short, I look like a bum. A bum with wet hair that's tickling my back. Where the hell is my hair-jaw-clippy thingy? I have no idea what it's called.
Anyway, right now posting in Depok at RS Bhakti Yudha for Neurology. Neurology is pretty decent. I like the stuff. Though rather tiring work day here, since we have to be present for morning and evening clinics. And you know how they won't let you sit down and anything right? So yeay for wearing out the soles of shoes. I'm due in, in half an hour. I REALLY should be getting ready. Anybody carry a crow bar so I can pry my ass off this chair?
ARGHHHH!! yeay for latent laziness. Insidious onset, quick progression, fatal outcome. I'm really, really lazy. And random. And I hate everything right now. And I'm left alone in Depok right now because my friends had last night's shift and this morning, both of them went of back to Jakarta leaving me alone. Because I can't go back because I have the damn afternoon-night shift. Well fuck you too.
So! Enough randomness and get that mug of coffee going you dumb girl. You'll be needing it.
Suatu pagi yang sejuk - sejuk level nak membungkus dalam selimut, alarm phone aku berbunyi. Dalam keadaan separuh sedar, mata tak brape nak bukak, air liur kering kat tepi bibir, aku angkat tangan, meraba - raba mana agaknya phone aku nih. Oh kat sini dia. Aku pun swipe la screen dia pakai jari. Phone sekarang main touch screen segala. Agak cool lah kononnya. Aku tak nampak pun. Main swipe jek. Tapi apa pasal, alarm tak berhenti nih? Makin kuat adalah? Aku salah swipe apa - apa ke? Aku pun raba - raba lagi, swipe lagi. Tak berkesan. Aik?
Aku pun mengumpul segala kesedaran yang ada dekat hujung - hujung consciousness aku. Buka mata.
La, patutlah. Ini phone lama. Phone baru kan baru kena curi last week.
Aku pun tekan button dekat tepi phone. Alarm pun berhenti. Separuh sedih separuh nak marah, aku tarik balik selimut.
Pegi mampus lah kau.
Tapi pastu bangun sebab rasa bangang. :)
***
In other news, nona buat kerja sebab nona ikhlas nak buat kerja. Nona suka buat kerja, so nona cari inisiatif untuk memulakan kerja tersebut. Nona tak suka kalau ada kerja. Asyik terpikir - pikir. Bukannya Nona rajin sangat pun. Just kadang - kadang.
Nona tak kata apa - apa. Kalau dalam hati lain cerita lah. Itu cerita dalam hati. Tapi korang pun cari lah inisiatif nak kerja juga :).
But that's how life is. And we're all grown up now. I mean, being almost 24 and all, there is a certain sense of conduct that is expected of you. And of course you expect the same out of other people. We've been doing this coass shit for a near on a year. At least some sense of professional decency should have been instilled in you people (though I would like to take this time to point my own finger at my own face and say that I would do well to practice what I preach). It's all good and fun of course. But yeah. Work is work. No matter what you say.
In which of course, I just opened a window and decided that, today, I will write. Something. Moan and groan maybe. But hey.
So, sorry for the rather rushed last post. It sounded rather caustic in the way I just threw words out there then left it like that for a week without any explanation or anything. Not that any people care but I do. So, for the rather rushed entry, I apologize. I didn't mean anything bad through it. I was just rather hard pressed for time due to my own fault of procrastination. It is however, very lucky that I am the only girl I know who can get ready in less than half an hour. Fifteen minutes tops. And when really, really rushed, five minutes out the door. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why I look like crap most of the time.
As I said, I'm in Bandung right now. Doing Forensics. It's... good? At least I don't have anything against forensics. Contrary to popular belief, I am a scaredy cat. So I can't study thanatology while alone. Also I try my hardest not to look at the pictures too closely when I open my copy of Simpson's. A guy I know once said, in response to me saying I will never, ever watch a horror movie, be it thriller, slasher, or your ghost in the wall movie, ever, that I am unexpectedly, a girl.
It's funny because apparently, that's the image I set. Some kind of independent woman girl/guy or something. Maybe I'm asexual? But that's taking it too far. I am hardly independent though. I just hide it better than other people think. And anyway, I'm just socially awkward. My social skills are sadly, rather underdeveloped. But I'd like to think that when it comes to work, I can overcome that. It's just normal day to day conversations that get me stumped. I'd rather sit quietly somewhere, do my studying and listen to music.
The other day, I have no idea what happened. I came in to work early like usual, sat at my usual spot, or what is fast becoming my usual spot, and took out my books and everything, buckling down for a day of waiting and studying or whatever. People were trickling in, placing their bags, claiming seats, when suddenly, the next thing I knew, I was the only person left in my row. My friend's bags were still there, they how ever, weren't. As I looked confusedly around, apparently everyone had moved to more strategic places around the room so the doctor won't call them over to seat near him, those seats being the dreaded seats of doom. And he usually calls the people who sit far away.
So anyway, I just stayed there. Because as I saw it, if he's gonna call me to sit near him, then so be it. If he doesn't, I'll just stay there. Not that difficult and does not require any more usage of brain power than necessary. In the end anyway, he didn't call me to sit by him or anything . I sat quietly at my seat, doodled some bit, thought about the many ways I disagreed with his opinions, took notes on the things I thought to be important. My note book is a land mine that can only be navigated by the most experienced of explorers.
But anyway, I suppose, what I'm trying to say by telling you that short story, is that, that day, I felt very much disconnected. I hadn't the faintest at what other people were talking about. I only emerged from my thoughts long enough to ask what the hell was happening, receive my answer and disappear back into my own world. It's a very common feeling right now. This disconnection. I have nobody I can talk to. Or at least, one person who would talk to me. And not mind if I talk crap. Because I don't really make a lot of sense most of the time. I have a vague feeling that someone here does not like me. I don't know why. I just feel she doesn't really like me. Not that being liked by her is high on the list of important things I want to do with my life, I just want to know if she really does not like me, and if so, why? What, in this past week we are placed in the same group, that I have done wrong that you would not like me? But that maybe just be me with my epically low self esteem. Or rather, that might be me and my perceived arrogance and ego and holier than thou attitude. Because I am awesome (and ever so humble). We did however, disagree with what field of medicine is the best. Though of course, to each her own. Either way, I just needed to get that off my mind. :)
I treat her the same as usual though. At least, I'm not doing anything I'm not already doing. Minding my own business. Being lost in my own world. It's all fun of course.
Today, after a week of moving in groups, I managed to slip out for a walk alone. Of course after informing someone that I'm going out a bit. I ended buying sneakers. Black sneakers and a pair of socks. To make things clear, I did plan to buy black sneakers at one point. So, because I had a chance of doing it with out having to bother about if I would bother anyone else if I wanted to go into some such store, I did. And really, without even thinking that much about it, I just bought a pair. Then looked for some socks because I didn't bring any, and there you have my day.
I miss my friends. Or at least the people who look at me in amusement as I go of on tangents and end up talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss my family. Because it has really been that long and I need a holiday. I need to go home and understand once again why the fuck I'm doing this.
I miss Ninomeow. My cat.
I miss being able to study. Because I think that drive that I had has disappeared. I want it back.
I'll be heading to Bandung in an hour or so. I should probably be getting a bath and getting ready and everything. But I'm not. As can be witnessed by this being typed.
Hi.
I finished my dermatology posting last Friday. I'm being posted to Bandung to do my Forensics rotation. Not a lot of people like this because it's going to be for four weeks and they have on calls. While the other place is in Jakarta and takes only two weeks but has the usual night shift. But I kinda have to admit, I am slightly looking forward to this. We'll see if it comes up to anything.
Of occasions, as the title says. Today my brother is getting engaged. Judging by the time, they already gave gotten engaged. In the usual Malay tradition and all that. The wedding itself will be sometime within a year. Let's just be hoping I'm actually at home at that time so I can participate. Not that my attendance would make any difference, it's just the principal of the matter.
On other occasions, today marks a year of Japan's earthquake. Funny how the year seems to fly by. Pray for Japan and all that.
Why was I still able to get up today? Why am I still heading to the bathroom? Why am I getting ready for work like usual? Why are there sounds outside? Why are the cars still running outside, carrying people to work, or where ever?
Why is everything still alive?
Why is everything still normal?
Today was a normal day. As normal as anything really. Then, I was crying. And I don't know precisely why.
Why?
Why am I not strong enough?
this sounds like a really bad break up just happened
When I see people with really high hair dos. The ones that have been blowed and moussed and sprayed to an inch of their lives, I get the inexplicable urge to stick my hand in there and see if it disappears.
So the other day, while we were discussing boy bands and the
current trend in today’s coass, my friend and I suddenly found ourselves
discussing nursery rhymes. Yes, our discussions do tend to move in rather random
tangents. It’s awesome. Once, we started talking about volcanoes and somehow
ended up discussing how Hans Christian Anderson is a depressing person.
So, anyway, we were discussing the origins of various
nursery rhymes. How many of you know of the rhyme “Ring around a rosy”? Pretty
much everyone would have heard of this rhyme. There are several versions to
this rhyme but mainly, it goes like this;
Ring around a rosy
A pocket full of posies
Atishoo atishoo
We all fall down
There is also a version where the line “Atishoo – atishoo”
is replaced with “Ashes ashes”. Rather
innocuous yes? Nothing sinister there mister. I even remember playing this in
the school playground in primary where we linked hands and turned in a circle
and at the last line, everyone fell down (regardless of clean pinafores). So,
who would believe that apparently, this rhyme has origins in the Black Plague?
A short history + medical lesson, The Black Plague or the
Bubonic Plague is a highly infectious disease caused by the pathogen Yersinea pestis. It has caused at least
three pandemics and multiple epidemics throughout the course of history, for
example the plague in Europe (1348 – 1350) and the Third Plague Pandemic (1855
-1959) that started in China and spread to various continents. The bacteria is
most commonly transmitted by the Rat flea, Xenopsylla
cheopis. Persons bitten by the flea would be inoculated with the pathogen
and develop the plague. The Bubonic plague, a type of plague, is known as such
because the inoculated pathogen invades nearby lymphoid tissue resulting in
inflamed, necrotic, hemorrhaging lymph nodes or Bubo. There are several
theories regarding why it was named the Black Plague, the first being a
reference to a symptom observed in infected patients where the skin turns black
and necrotic (which is actually due to DIC). The second theory is that the term
“Black” was used to describe the current atmosphere during the plague which was
said to be bleak and depressing (because, really whole towns were wiped out).
Also, interestingly, there are still reports of the plague
cropping up every now and again. And then, you think about all those dead rats
you see on the roads on your way to work.
But this is another discussion for another time.
So, the question is, how is this related to a children’s
rhyme? I’ll go by lines;
“Ring around a rosy” apparently is a reference to a rosy red
rash that would appear on the skin of the infected person.
“A pocket full of posies” is a reference to the custom of
carrying sweet smelling herbs and flowers in pockets due to the belief that the
disease was transferred through bad smells (gives a new meaning to body odour).
“Atishoo – atishoo” signifies sneezing, which is another
symptom shown by the infected person. The other version “Ashes ashes” also has
a meaning in which it is a reference to the custom of burning the dead bodies.
Whether it was already custom to burn dead bodies or rather an effort to
control spread, I don’t really know, but you have to agree, that was smart.
The last line “We all fall down” of course, refers to
everyone dying.
Interestingly if you read it as “Atishoo – atishoo, We all
fall down”, it basically means, you sneeze, you die. Which is kind off awesome.
Because the plague, can also be spread through aerogens and the Pneumonic
plague, one type of plague, is the most lethal form, causing 100% deaths in
infected individuals if they do not receive treatment during the first 24
hours.
So, as interesting as this is, my friend and I already knew
of it. We had read about it before though our sources may have differed. What
we were discussing about was the rhyme “Jack and Jill”. I know, that *points
above*, was just an introduction. LOL.
So, what is it about “Jack and Jill”? The rhyme goes:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came
tumbling after
The rhyme has another verse but what confused my friend and
I was the fact that Jack fell down
and apparently broke his crown. And
we were saying, that’s head injury, right there. He had a cranial fracture for
sure and kids are actually singing this! And Jill came tumbling after! And who
knows what kind of injury she sustained! It was a rather heated discussion
whether he was really in danger and did he really have a cranial fracture, and
was there a possibility of an epidural hemorrhage. We agreed that prompt action
and ATLS would have helped.
So, because this piqued my interest, I decided to Google it.
And surprise, surprise.
I actually found several theories as to the origin of this
particular rhyme, but I’m going to be talking about the one that I liked the
most. Apparently, the rhyme Jack and Jill has roots in French History! Jack,
actually refers to King Louis the XVI and Jill, refers to Queen Marie
Antoinette. King Louis the XVI during the French Revolution was deposed, accused
of treason and beheaded, hence Jack breaking his crown. Jack breaking his crown
also implies the loss of King Louis’ status as the King. And Jill came tumbling
after because Queen Marie Antoinette was also beheaded.
Talk about head injuries.
The other theories in decreasing order of what interest I
found in them are:
·King Charles I of England, tried to impose tax
on liquids but was barred by his parliament leading him to order the reduction
of the volume of a ‘Jack’ which is a half pint while the tax remains the same. This
actually, means he still gets more tax. As a result of the reduction of a half
pint, consequently there was a decrease in the volume of a quarter pint, a Jill
(actually spelled Gill). Thus, Jill came tumbling after. Fetching a pail of
water actually means the act of watering the liquor which they resorted to
because the tax was expensive.
·Jack and Jill refer to dollars and cents
respectively, and going up the hill means a rise in value. But due to the
plague (hey, another plague reference!), there was a lack of water and thus a
drop in currency (tumbling down the hill).
So there you are two nursery rhymes and their origins. I
read a few other awesome ones too of course. Like my favorite, “Oranges and Lemons”
(also execution related). And contrary to what my friend and I believed, the
lullaby “Rock a bye Baby” did not mean baby dying. But you have to look that up yourself because this is getting rather long.
Still here?
Congratulations on making it this far. Give yourself a pat
on the back. Now go Google nursery rhymes. ;)
Incidentally, did you know that in one version of
Cinderella, one of the step sisters actually cut off part of her feet in order
to fit into Cinderella’s glass slippers? She ended up marrying the prince.
Go learn some stuff
akunona
Take note that all of this should be taken with a grain of salt. Most of it is just speculation and there are various versions flying about that even the most persistent researcher, which is not me, would take some time to explain. Good, cited sources are also hard to come by and if you believe everything they told you on the net, you probably also believe that some of the world leaders are shape shifting reptilians (which is a different story, here's a link if you want to know more about that)
Pagan holiday? A remembrance for that executed father who married couples illegally? Some thing to do with the criminal underworld? Whatever your argument, this :
is not a heart.
This, however:
is (a rough drawing of) a heart.
And then, we have the malay word "hati". Which means, heart. But also, oddly, translates into this:
which, if you can't tell, is a liver.
But, enough of semantics. As interesting as they may sound.
Any plans for "lover's day"? Or, in my case, "Single's Awareness Day"?
Hmm. Probably not, since according to my calander, it would be a Tuesday. And I go to work on Tuesdays. So does everyone else. But hey chocolate's on sale.
Dermatology and Venereal diseases posting started last Monday. Next week would be the oh so awesome second week, in which we pretty much do nothing anyway. Maybe a paper needs to be written at some point. I have no idea of the plans. I did score on the pretest. But that generally just puts pressure on me to score during the post test. And damn it, I don't need pressure. I however, do need a holiday.
In recent beings, nothing much. Just generally being. Finished one book out of the three I bought last weekend. It was nice. Now reading a second book, which is also nice. But I'm only halfway through. And I have a horrible itch to draw something but I don't want to just draw. I want to draw something nice. Something pretty.
So, yeah. Have at it. I'mma gonna go and finish reading my book.
akunona
all the drawings were done by me in MSpaint. Have at it, no terms and conditions apply, though I do wonder what would you be doing with a picture of a liver.
One night while I was on call at RSH's A&E department, a nurse commented on my arm hair. They are arguably rather long. As it has already been pointed out to me several times before, most memorably the questioning of my heritage and are you really Malay? Because you're really hairy. I wasn't all that insulted this time around.
So anyway, that nurse. He pointed at my arms and said I could use them to wipe the table clean. I told him no, I won't use them to wipe the table. Because I like making braids with them while bored.
So hey, another Sunday. Followed hopefully by another Monday. Another day as a Surgery Coass. I have to find a case for my exams. And I hate that shit. Wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole covered in biomedical plastic for protection. The exams. Not the patient. Because nothing gets me going like a good case. No seriously. Intellectual stimulation in the form of discussing, I like. When you are actually grading me for this shit, not so much. I have stage fright. Even when there are no stages involved. It's called anxiety attacks. In the sense that it makes me want to attack you. I need something for nerves. Oh god.
So anyway, exams coming up. For both minor and major surgery. The differences of which are rather obscure because I don't know. It's all surgery to me. I mean, it is. They just want to rake in the money by making up extra examinations coupled with the extra cases we have to present. RSH, wanting your money. so so much.
I'm supposed to be studying. An endeavor I have embarked on since yesterday evening after work. I have read stuff. Stuff I already know, repeating stuff. Stuff I don't know, because I like knowing stuff. Studying. But taking more breaks then studying. Read one page, go on the net for half an hour. Rinse and repeat, only not really because my laptop would blow up. And then what will I do?
I need help. Professional or amateurish, not important. Anyone know where I can buy brains of famous surgeons?
Anyway, I just realized, we are made to know how to write up a patient's status properly while at the same time, the doctors I see everyday, don't. Because they are inefficient and time consuming. They write only the important stuff. So why the hell do we have to anyway? I feel like being taught a different method altogether that will not be used anyway. So why bother? Because you're a student that's why. And everything is just so wonderfully redundant. And stupid.
I have had a lovely day of sleeping in, trying to study and napping. All the while disregarding the need to eat. So for dinner I made two packages of ramen. Which is just a fancy way of saying instant noodles. And tea. Because I only have one sachet of instant coffee left and that's for mornings. Because PRIORITY and all it entails.
So. Anyway. I want a lot of stuff right now. A new phone, maybe. New external hard drive, one with a tera memory. New shoes, maybe. Something that hasn't got it in for my ankles. Coffee. Of course. That wonderful source of caffeine. Of which I cannot function without. Lies of course. I shall function. But only barely. Which is hard when people expect you to be more. Contrary to popular belief, I can be lazier than you. Like now. I am lazy. So, so lazy. That's the problem with starting to study early. By the end you're too tired. And someone wants a soft copy of my breast tumor paper because he has the same case (fabricating). I spent a week composing that shit. Don't expect me to give it to you so that you can simply copy and paste it and then present it. Because phooey.
In other news, help me.
Here's to the coming week. May we all make it and pass with flying pieces of human anatomy. Because colors are so old fashioned.
I taught someone how to suture last week, assisted and talked her through it. And it reinforced in me how much I like teaching. And knowing stuff. And letting people know stuff. I love that.
Love me.
Seriously. What the hell is wrong?
This morning I think I left the tap on by sheer absent mindedness and didn't realize until the land lady came up and asked who left it on. She didn't ask me, only my house mate. I heard. Either way, what? Brain? You there?
If one day you have amnesia, would you rather not remember yourself or what you do? Would you rather not know your name, your parents, your friends, the person you love? Or would you rather forget all the things that you have done, what you do, your job, your studies, what you have achieved?
I can't explain this. Hurrrmmm... ah well. For midnight musings.
And here is another strange post brought to you by caffeine (or lack there of) messing up my nerve endings.
So, my day in memorable comments and conversations :
Scene 1.
During a case presentation where I was being lectured for writing a conclusion to my paper;
"You took all these from books right? You basically copied these from books didn't you? So why are you making a conclusion? Do you think that you are smarter than the authors that you can make a conclusion to what they have written? You think you're smarter than them? Of course not, right? I mean, you're still studying. You're still student? You don't need this. This is wrong."
Here I am pointing out that, my conclusion itself wasn't in any way wrong. It was the fact that I actually made/wrote a conclusion that she found unforgivable. Of course, then I would like to point out that my conclusion consisted of me, basically summarizing what ever it is that I read from various books, in simpler words in my understanding. Which is, I think, a process of learning. It's me, the student, digesting what I have learned, and putting it in the way that I understand. I, of course, would have gladly appreciated if she had said the conclusion I had drawn was mistaken. Because, let's face it, I am still learning. Maybe I understood it wrong. That would have been very, very helpful. Not only to me, but to my group mates as well. But to say that I was wrong for even drawing a conclusion. I am confused. Do you want me to learn or not? If so in what way? Swallowing that one book whole? Because you do not accept my other references. You insist on your blood purity. Even if it is incomplete. Because I did read it. Many times. There are some parts which are just not there but exists in other books. Am I wrong for seeking information? But then again, I have a tutor who has actively lectured me for drawing conclusions to what I have learned. I was also, in a round about way, called stupid.
Scene 2.
While changing in the nurse's changing room, I made small talk with the OT's head nurse. It is relevant information to know that I speak acceptable Indonesian. To the point some think me a local instead of an international student.
BM : So wait a minute, are you Indonesian or Malaysian?
Me : I'm Malaysian.
BM : Really? But I thought you were Indonesian! I didn't know that Malaysians came in such a small size,
and you're so dark too!
Me : .......
I'm sorry, I'm very dark skinned. (-_-')
The sad thing is, most of my group mates right now, at least the girls, are very pretty and have fair skin.
I'll try bathing in sun screen from here on out.
Exams probably, next week. The only one confirmed is my Anesthesiology test on Tuesday. I need to start cracking down on that studying thing. Bye-bye!
There are plenty things that I regret. Some more lame than others. Others more lame than some.
For example;
I regret not confessing, really - really confessing to that one guy I had a crush on and maybe fell in love with for some thing close to 4 years of my life. At least I'd have really known.
I regret not studying as hard as I could for my SPM. Maybe I'd be somewhere entirely different if I had shown the same work ethic that was finally born in me in my matriculation while I was still in high school.
I regret taking medicine sometimes. But only sometimes. Because I love this, and it is amazing
I regret going up to the stage that day during that motivation camp and getting humiliated in front of approximately three schools in my district
I regret not kicking his ass for humiliating me in front of approximately three schools in my district.
I regret not being as vocal as I want to be sometimes. Because holding things in is not really that healthy.
I regret not doing as much as I could, because I would have learned more. Known more. Done more.
To name a few.
And, you know what? I'm probably gonna regret going to sleep early, without studying tonight, because we have double cases tomorrow, but I am sleepy. And Damn It All. So yeah;
... good night.
akunona
And if you some how not get it, this is a post stating that I am going to bed early, come what may, and good night.
