Straighten your shoulders

I haven't actually mentioned anything yet I think, so here it goes, I'm back in Simpangan, Depok. But now doing my pediatrics rotation. Say hooray. Only not so much. The consultant is a right moody horror. We'll have to see. First week done, I'm on call again on Monday. Here's to hoping there aren't to many Cesareans lined up tomorrow. And no surprise Cesareans at night either. Pediatrics happen to be one of the major cycles. So here's to me and my group mates. Lets make it through the next 9 weeks.

Like I said, its only been one week, so we haven't felt the bite of it yet. But I've been doing what I can. I'm still caught up on the awesomeness that was Jogja though, so forgive me if I come across as a little lethargic. And my brain is so much mush right now.

I'm in Jakarta right now, getting some stuff from home base. Heading back to Depok tomorrow morning, at dawn. So I'm allowing myself to sleep early tonight. As early as I can anyway. That's actually not promising anything, since you know, I'm notorious for sleeping late. A right night owl.

I don't know. I'm working, and thinking, then working, then thinking again. I hope I don't do anything bad. Everything thing you do, every single thing you write, it all has it's consequences. Responsibility. What can you do about it? Can you take the challenge.

I've had some problems. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what the others are doing. I can't say they aren't doing anything. They all have their own set of problems. Their own lives to live. But because I'm so far away most of the time, I don't know what's happening anymore. Third person information and what not. I can only pray. And I pray that everything works out. For everyone. Not because I'm that altruistic. I just want everyone to be happy. I won't take sides. I've said this before. But I love you. On and on and on.

If ever you feel like crying though, just remember, that I'm giving you a big hug. All the way from here. Be strong. Both of you.

you can make it

akunona

Last night at Jogja. We're flying out tomorrow in the afternoon. It was fun while it lasted. Quite possibly one of the more... relaxing postings I've ever had. And may well be the most relaxing posting I'll ever have. But you know, can't really say anything yet. It's not like I'm an old hand at this whole coass thing yet. Still learning.

Next Monday I'll start a new posting at Simpangan, Depok. Again. But now I'll be doing Pediatrics. Excuse me while I go buy a paper bag for my head. Okay, so not really. But I just left that place five weeks ago. I didn't expect I'll be going there again soon. And I'll have to spend another 10 weeks there, since Pediatrics is a major posting. Ah well. On the plus side, I know the hospital. Not the doctor in charge per say. People keep saying she's a moody, difficult person. We'll see. If I get shouted at, then I get shouted at. I'll just end up hitting myself over the head for it. Will be with Mira again. And 4 other people. Let's hope this group will be as awesome as the one's I had before. And let's hope I don't alienate people some more. God knows I need social skills.


Maybe I'll write more tomorrow. I'm gonna sleep now.

Good night

oyasumi

akunona

Feels like this

laugh

smile

frown

hide everything

bury everything

show no emotion

act like you don't care

laugh again for good measure

sing a song

hum a tune

give a fuck

don't give a fuck

question life

question death

question that ant crawling towards your open bar of candy

smile some more

ignore them

crave their attention

have a piece of mind

have some peace of mind

do your job

toe the line

cross the line

lines are for cowards

do your best

kick your conscience 

smile

laugh

strike a pose

akunona

What is it that you want

A reminder to myself just as much as anything. This post will sound self serving and narcissistic, but then again ...

During my last week at Simpangan, my doctor, who was in charge of us there, told me something. He told me that I had to be strong. I had to be strong because I had to be the "back bone". He didn't say back bone per say, he used a different word, an Indonesian word : Jangkar. He said it meant something like the last wall. The last hope. Someone who people can go to for help. Something like that.
He told me that I am a leader. He said I have what it takes to lead a group. I may not do everything, but I make sure that what needs to be done, is done. If it isn't then I'm the type to do it myself. I pick up after people. Tidy the edges, make it neat, as it is. Get it done.
He taught me to make decisions. All of us had to make decisions regarding our patient's treatment, but he differed to me almost all the time. Even the most trivial questions like "Do we all have to go in on Saturdays". He taught me to consider every aspect, and take the consequences, if they are any.
He told me that I have a sense of responsibility that exceeds my own well being. A trait observed when I fell sick twice but still took care of the patients I had, until what ends I could.
He told me I was smart. And not to waste that. He wanted me to learn. Study. Gain more.  To go to the ends of knowledge and then some.

He told me I could be someone.

And all I needed was some polishing.

I've never had someone be so straight with me before. It was sort of embarrassing really. There are other things he told me along the weeks I was there. Among them being how I was a logical thinker but had a streak of imagination. A penchant for fantasizing. A very serious person, but I can still laugh. He asked me why I didn't laugh as much. Honestly, I don't know myself.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. Maybe because I've been thinking about this for some time. Basically, I've been thinking how I can achieve this. How I can be this. My mother said I'm most hard on myself. I have expectations for myself that are higher than even what anyone else expects of me.

But then, I think, is this really me? I'm normal. I'm below average. Can I do this? I only get anywhere because I almost kill myself to get there. I do this time and time again. Killing myself over and over again. There was once a time, when for class work, I ended up only sleeping 2 hours for a time span of two days. I have not heard of anyone around me going through such extremes to get their job done, and we're basically doing the same thing. And sometimes, when I think about it, I produce mediocre results compared to them. And they get more sleep than I do.

I want to achieve something. I want to be someone. But can I? Is this even the right path for me? Did I make the right choice leaving English for Science. For Medicine of all things. I love what I'm learning. But do I see myself actually doing this?

I want to be a good doctor. I don't have to be super good at it. I just want that if a patient sees me, I can help them. I can make them feel better.

Lofty expectations? A reminder maybe. That there is something to work for. No rest for the terminally ambitious.

So get of the net and go back to doing your presentation slides, bitch.

slightly thinky

akunona

and the dish ran away with the spoon

So I figured I should write about my experience celebrating Hari Raya Aidilfitri alone in Jogja. Alone as in there wasn't anyone I know here who actually celebrated Hari Raya with me. Not alone literally.

But the experience was so confusing, sad and lonely, that I'm not going to. Just because. I'll let you imagine it yourself how celebrating raya on your own is like. Yes, I did have friends (at least acquaintances) who went out of their way to keep me company of which I am extremely grateful. But you know, it's just different. You're the only one. No matter who else was with you. Whatever anyway. This crap would just be depressing.

Speaking of depression, I am rather worried because I still haven't found a case for our course work. Way to make a non sequitur Nona. This is however a very valid worry because the doctor in charge is a monster with many rings. No really. She has like 16 on both hands and the first thing I thought when I saw them was that, If she ever hit her kid in the head, they'd suffer from a mild concussion. Anyway, here's to making some headway on that tomorrow.

I actually had a reason to write tonight. Most of it being caused by fluctuating hormones making me feel like shit, really really sad shit but I don't think I can write any of that freely. But I can't talk about this shit freely either. Which leaves me in a conundrum of piling everything in again. Which is never good because when everything blows up, the resulting mess hurts more.

Ah well. And on that note of hormones not making any sense no matter how many sense their actual cycle makes, I leave you with .... basically nothing

thanks for reading. If you made it this far

akunona