and what which does not kill you

Ohisashiburi desu.

Hello. It has been a long time since my last entry. I am in fact very much alive.  A little bit worn down at the edges but still, breathing, living, making what I can make of it.

I'm sure you've heard but I am right now in Jakarta doing my Surgery and Anesthetics posting. Wonderful, because I am in Jakarta. Saves a bit in the house rent division, which is then all lost in the transportation expenses, because what ever you say, my dear providers, what ever you give me is not enough. Nope. You can say all you want about the exchange rate being in our favor or something some such, but living in Jakarta costs as much as living in KL. Dreadful, because it's the Surgery and Anesthetics posting and I am not really that interested and the consultants are scary.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. All I've been doing recently is more to the Surgery part of it. We usually get the anesthetics part when we go into the OT. I've been to the wards, the A&E and next week, I'll be in the polyclinic. The week after that I'll be in the OT. I'm not looking forward to it. Nope. Not at all. No matter what you say, scary people are eternally scary.

I don't know. Right now I feel tired. I've been doing this coass thing without a break since May this year. It's December now. That's over half a year. I haven't had a break yet. Nor have any of my friends. We're all mostly tired. We want a break. We want to go home, back to Malaysia. To take a break, recharge our batteries. Remind ourselves why the hell we're doing this. Why we want to do this. Then get back to work. Maybe we'll be better after that. Maybe we'll work harder, study more. Do our best. Right now, like we Temerloh people say, "Koi dah tak rot."
A little melodramatic maybe, but that's the truth.

Going to work day in and day out, sometimes for 7 days a week, and that goes on for the next week too, and the next week, until you meet your one free Sunday after about a month or two weeks if you're lucky. Not getting paid but in fact paying, so you can come to work, learn, observe, get shouted at. Scrutinized until an inch of your life. Say the wrong words and they judge. Do the wrong thing and they whisper behind their hands.

It has come to the point that for the most part, I do not care anymore. I'll do what I can, and if that doesn't meet your expectations, tough luck. I've been called passive when I think I'm the one who's the most hands on. Sometimes the others got to the status before me, they write down the history and the physical, but that doesn't mean I didn't take the history too. That I didn't do the physical. I don't like that you said I was lazy when I think I've tried my best. Granted that maybe I can do more, but give me some time. I don't really like these assessments. And we have cases. I am oddly apprehensive. I have never liked doing cases. Never have. Never will. To me they are evil . Yes, I agree that they are necessary, doesn't mean that I have to like them. And can't the doctor at least designate a case? Because looking for one is such a pain. More so when you're restricted to the third class wards. The available cases aren't a lot you know.

Tomorrow, it's to work again we go. This is my first free Sunday. I'm luckier than most that I only had to work nonstop for two weeks before I met my first free Sunday. Don't really know for the next though. I think I'm not on call on Sunday morning next week, but I am on call on Saturday. Which does not count because by the time you get home it'll already be around 9 in the morning and a Sunday is defined by the ability to wake up late and not give a damn, then bury your face in your pillow and go back to sleep. Anyway, we'll have to reconfirm that later.

I don't know. It just feels dull. I love what I'm doing of course. I love what I'm learning, what I have learned, what I can do. But at the same time, I want a break. I need a break. I want to go home. *sigh*
A lot of things have happened I guess. I've grown up? I hope so. I'm still skema of course. But mostly for the things that count. And I can make allowances when I think they're appropriate. I still don't know if I'll make a good doctor. I hope I do. I hope I am. I want to help. You know what they say about going into the medicine for the money? That's bullshit of course. If you want to do Medicine for the money, don't be a doctor. Be instead, the drug company. Or the company supplying medical appliances. Doctors don't get the money. Not, at least, without the blood, sweat and tears, occasional mental break downs, fights, social awkwardness fail, and growing old enough that finally, finally you have seniority. I hate hierarchy by the way. But it exists.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. I got to suture my first wound yesterday. Granted the guy was already dead so I didn't have to do all the necessary septic aseptic steps, and without local anesthetics or anything but it was, erm, fun? It was good for practice, the doctor on call said, so she gave me the chance to do it. Before you ask, let me explain, it's procedure at the hospital to suture the wounds even postmortem. So there. I was just glad I could do it. The end result wasn't as clean as I would have liked it though. It was my first try, I hope I get another chance soon. Actually piercing skin with a suturing needle isn't as easy as they make it look. Just so you know.

Anything else? You must realize that the topic jumps around like a bunny on crack after overdosing on caffeine, but I'll tell you what, I write this freely while my mind jumps. Into any topic. Whatever topic. There may have never been a topic to begin with. That's the best part.

Oh, and just so you know, my father came back from Taiwan some time ago, and bought me an Arashi "Beautiful World" CD. Haha. I had called him and asked for it as a joke actually. Never thought he'd actually go and buy it. I mean, if he did, then awesome. If he didn't, then I tried. But he did, and it's awesome. Not that I've seen it. I haven't been home in almost a year and work and everything. I mean, I can't believe he did actually. He calls any Asian boy band on television Arashi. They could be singing in Korean and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But anyway, thanks dad. :) I look forward to it when I come home.When ever that is.

Another thing about that thing. Will it happen? I don't know. I really don't know.

And congratulations to Furqan for finishing his SPM papers recently. Forget about the results for a bit. That's a story for another time. Right now, enjoy your holidays. There may come a time when you will never have a free day ever again.

And Happy (belated) Birthday to a certain someone. I don't think I'll ever forget you. You left too much of an impression. Don't worry though, it's not like how it was in the old times (it has been more than five years ago, surprising). You're just you. And I'm just me. You were kinda awesome. Just so you know.

So, enough for tonight's rambling. For what ever reason you find yourself reading this; may you find it entertaining, as I have found it fun to waste an hour writing on and off while putting of studying for a while. Maybe I'll do something productive. I don't exactly guarantee anything. Just as I don't guarantee this long composition has any contents.

Good night

may kill you yet

akunona