The part where everything doesn't make sense anymore

So in recent experiences, I had four on calls all spaced one or two days between each other. I actually have no regrets because I sort of like being on call at the hospital's A&E, but I'm always half dead the day after and I always complain that I'm really lazy at the beginning of every shift and make plans to probably not do anything, but end up doing something after all. Because I am workaholic like that. Also, I can't. You know. Sometimes.

A friend had asked incredulously why the hell does he always see me on call. I didn't have any particular intelligent answer for that because he asked a mutual friend while I was passed out on the couch in the koass resting area.

It was fun of course. Educational. I got to do a lot of things. But I still haven't been allowed to draw blood. Odd. Because I've sutured wounds. You would think that one would be more of a big thing. But anyway.

We had a really heavy discussion this morning about loads of things. But I find once again, how cynical I can be and how my opinions are really weird when compared to other people. But, that's what opinions are for. Everyone is free to form their own. And no one can say if one person is right or wrong. Which is sort of beautiful in a way. You can influence an opinion but you can't say any one's wrong for what they draw out.

Sometimes I think that I should stop thinking.

On other news, mum was hospitalized last Sunday for a fever and high ketone levels. She's diabetic which makes this a rather big deal. She was also discharged this afternoon. I'm to call her but I forgot to top up my plan. As a result of her hospitalization, I turned neurotic for three days. From Sunday to Tuesday. I was better today. But I still feel weird around the gills. How neurotic? On Sunday, I went for a movie alone and wasted probably half my allowance on an Arashi photo book and a Japanese magazine. Also bought a delicious dinner for take away. On Monday, there were new people from a different university starting as Surgery coass. I was rude and anti social. I did not introduce myself, nor did I care when people introduced me. On Tuesday, after a hectic night of only one hour of sleep, I was in a bad mood the entire morning till noon. I snapped, made biting remarks about other people's level of intelligence and glared like nobody's business. Even when I didn't mean too. And the coffee guy gave me black coffee instead of the milk coffee I asked for. I drank it anyway, because I was too tired to rise a stink or ask for a change. Though I did imagine throwing the table, plus coffee and donut, at his face. Didn't because no matter what you may think, I still have restraint and was properly educated in social conduct.

My friends deserve fucking medals at what they have to put up with.

Yes, I realize I was being a bitch. I'm writing this down so that I can remind myself to not be that much of a bitch anymore if I can help it. Other people deserve better. And also that I must appreciate my friends more. They see the worst of me and are still there. Thank you.

This is just my opinion, but I would like to reassure you that I am perfectly professional when it comes to patients. They don't see this shit.

Today I tried speaking my mind a few times. In which that means I didn't employ the usual brain - mouth filter. I may have offended people. But hey. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just say what I'm thinking. Maybe because most of them are highly uncomplimentary. But I would like to tell you, in a rather feeble excuse, that if I am impressed by you, I will tell you straight up. No corners. So anyway, he asked me if I had his resit. I said no, I don't. Maybe one of house mates do but nope, not me. He replied saying my room mate said she had it in her book case in a tone I read as almost patronizing. I said even if she said she had it in her book case, and indeed it is in her book case, it doesn't mean I know it is in her book case. He said he'll pick it up tomorrow after a long pause.

I suppose I hope I have not in any way offended him by being rude. I can tell you I struggle with this kind of thing everyday. At what I can say or cannot say. At what I can write and cannot write. What can be misinterpreted. Misconstrued. That's mostly why I prefer not talking. I have no idea why I'm so awkward. I'm supposed to be old enough to have moved out of that phase.

Also in other news, it's 2012. I should probably try harder. Plug the cracks. Build up a better defense. Form a new facade. Do my best. Last year of med school and all that jazz. Keep breakdowns to a minimum. People have other things to be worried about.

Additionally, today is also Yin's birthday, so happy birthday katak. I wish you the best. I love you.


Back to that book we go. Remind yourself everyday how stupid you actually are and maybe then you'd start studying some more. Or at least I think.

it really does not make any sense

akunona