The part where everything doesn't make sense anymore

So in recent experiences, I had four on calls all spaced one or two days between each other. I actually have no regrets because I sort of like being on call at the hospital's A&E, but I'm always half dead the day after and I always complain that I'm really lazy at the beginning of every shift and make plans to probably not do anything, but end up doing something after all. Because I am workaholic like that. Also, I can't. You know. Sometimes.

A friend had asked incredulously why the hell does he always see me on call. I didn't have any particular intelligent answer for that because he asked a mutual friend while I was passed out on the couch in the koass resting area.

It was fun of course. Educational. I got to do a lot of things. But I still haven't been allowed to draw blood. Odd. Because I've sutured wounds. You would think that one would be more of a big thing. But anyway.

We had a really heavy discussion this morning about loads of things. But I find once again, how cynical I can be and how my opinions are really weird when compared to other people. But, that's what opinions are for. Everyone is free to form their own. And no one can say if one person is right or wrong. Which is sort of beautiful in a way. You can influence an opinion but you can't say any one's wrong for what they draw out.

Sometimes I think that I should stop thinking.

On other news, mum was hospitalized last Sunday for a fever and high ketone levels. She's diabetic which makes this a rather big deal. She was also discharged this afternoon. I'm to call her but I forgot to top up my plan. As a result of her hospitalization, I turned neurotic for three days. From Sunday to Tuesday. I was better today. But I still feel weird around the gills. How neurotic? On Sunday, I went for a movie alone and wasted probably half my allowance on an Arashi photo book and a Japanese magazine. Also bought a delicious dinner for take away. On Monday, there were new people from a different university starting as Surgery coass. I was rude and anti social. I did not introduce myself, nor did I care when people introduced me. On Tuesday, after a hectic night of only one hour of sleep, I was in a bad mood the entire morning till noon. I snapped, made biting remarks about other people's level of intelligence and glared like nobody's business. Even when I didn't mean too. And the coffee guy gave me black coffee instead of the milk coffee I asked for. I drank it anyway, because I was too tired to rise a stink or ask for a change. Though I did imagine throwing the table, plus coffee and donut, at his face. Didn't because no matter what you may think, I still have restraint and was properly educated in social conduct.

My friends deserve fucking medals at what they have to put up with.

Yes, I realize I was being a bitch. I'm writing this down so that I can remind myself to not be that much of a bitch anymore if I can help it. Other people deserve better. And also that I must appreciate my friends more. They see the worst of me and are still there. Thank you.

This is just my opinion, but I would like to reassure you that I am perfectly professional when it comes to patients. They don't see this shit.

Today I tried speaking my mind a few times. In which that means I didn't employ the usual brain - mouth filter. I may have offended people. But hey. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just say what I'm thinking. Maybe because most of them are highly uncomplimentary. But I would like to tell you, in a rather feeble excuse, that if I am impressed by you, I will tell you straight up. No corners. So anyway, he asked me if I had his resit. I said no, I don't. Maybe one of house mates do but nope, not me. He replied saying my room mate said she had it in her book case in a tone I read as almost patronizing. I said even if she said she had it in her book case, and indeed it is in her book case, it doesn't mean I know it is in her book case. He said he'll pick it up tomorrow after a long pause.

I suppose I hope I have not in any way offended him by being rude. I can tell you I struggle with this kind of thing everyday. At what I can say or cannot say. At what I can write and cannot write. What can be misinterpreted. Misconstrued. That's mostly why I prefer not talking. I have no idea why I'm so awkward. I'm supposed to be old enough to have moved out of that phase.

Also in other news, it's 2012. I should probably try harder. Plug the cracks. Build up a better defense. Form a new facade. Do my best. Last year of med school and all that jazz. Keep breakdowns to a minimum. People have other things to be worried about.

Additionally, today is also Yin's birthday, so happy birthday katak. I wish you the best. I love you.


Back to that book we go. Remind yourself everyday how stupid you actually are and maybe then you'd start studying some more. Or at least I think.

it really does not make any sense

akunona

Everybody's fool

So the other day, on Wednesday to be exact, I accidentally left my phone at home. I only realized that I didn't have it on me when Nadia and I were already waiting for the 159 bus to Tg. Priuk. And that's already too far away to turn back just to get your phone. So I decided, to hell with it, I'll just live without my phone for a while.

Incidentally, I was also on call that day, so I had effectively managed to leave my phone at home for almost two days.

Now, for most of us, this would be a very difficult situation. I mean, imagine all the awkward conversations you would have to join if you didn't have your phone to meddle around with and pretend you have something important to do with it, thus effectively ignoring normal human (awkward) conversation.While I was also worried that if anyone tried to contact me they wouldn't be able to, for the most part I was worried I wouldn't wake up because I rely rather heavily on my phone's alarm function.

I did wake up late incidentally, today. Not that late, but not the time I had wanted to wake up. But fear not, it wasn't any problem because everything went well. As well as it could be anyway.

So, after a long day at work not really doing anything because the wards are stupid, I went home. As soon as I arrived home, I sought out my phone and found it lying on my bed where I had undoubtedly left it in my mad rush to get to work on Wednesday.
I flipped it open to find that I had a grand total of 1 message and no missed calls. The message was from XL.

Yes, I'm rather sorry to say that I was slightly depressed at this state of events. Because then, I realized, that I was nobody's somebody. Or at least, that was what my brain said. So for a few minutes, I was sad. But hey, no news is good news. Meaning I didn't miss anything and nothing had happened while I had left my phone at home for one and a half day, except for a promotion for free new year's call towards your friends and family, terms and conditions apply.

Besides, I had my alarm function.

And so, we come to tonight. Tonight in which I had planned to not really doing anything if I didn't want to, but also do some work if I were to be so inclined. I was watching a drama on my laptop when suddenly my message tone rang out. Here is XL again, I thought. Maybe now they're trying to offer me free sms'es to my boyfriends and girlfriends, terms and conditions apply, I had thought. But when I opened the message, it was from a group mate, wanting to ask if I could take her on call shift tomorrow because she's sick, down  with the flu, "I'm at the hospital right now. I'm really really sorry." There's nobody else, can you make it?

Because I was confused, what is this new type of communication? Why is it not XL? I took too long to reply and she called me not five minutes after.

So, to make a rather long (not really) story short (shorter), I agreed to take her on call shift tomorrow. Even though I had only come off call this morning. But hey.

So then, when I disconnected the call, I realized that, this is what my phone was for. Only a device that permits other people to call me, message me and ask me for stuff, ask me for answers to questions that they cannot answer. At your beck and call.

Because, as you can see; if you have no reason to, you would not talk to me.

It's my fault of course. Being socially dysfunctional. Being a nerd. Being scary in person and otherwise.

 Of course I'm not supposed to complain. I can't mumble and grumble and bring it up. Because we are a group and team work means someone has to take the fall sometimes. Of course, in terms of hoping there are other people there to pick up the slack when you fall, tumble, get a concussion (not true of course, because you are in the end the person who does that job too).

But hey. What's another 30 hours?

I mean, there's no one left but me of course. Who else is going to get shit done? Everyone has their rotation. It just falls that I am the one who is just nicely free.

I'm fucking tired.  

Damn it, so what if I'm being selfish and complaining? I'm entitled. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be my face in front of the hospital tomorrow, over night bag in hand, settling down for another 30 hours.

At least I have my alarm function. Damn good one it is too.

akunona

The Epilogue of Dr. Skelling Tone : Part the Thousandth

The gentleman skeleton tipped his hat politely.

"Fine weather we seem to be having, do you not think so?" asked the gentleman skeleton, tipping his hat politely.

"Rather cold I should think," the young girl replied.

"Ah, but I find you to be rather under dressed in your night things. Pray tell, what are you doing out this lovely evening?"

The young girl looked up quizzically into the gentleman skeleton's empty eye sockets.

"But you have not yet introduced yourself. I would hardly tell a stranger as to what I am doing," she said.

"Ah, my apologies young girl. It appears my manners have left me as have my skin and musculature. Please, let me introduce myself; I am Dr. Skelling Tone. Pleased it is to meet your acquaintance," Dr. Skelling Tone bowed in a grand gesture.

The young girl could here his spine creak and she curtsied in reply.

"My name is Miss Lay Dei, this is Mr. Raggard Dei and we happen to be lost."

"But that is such a predicament Miss Lay Dei!" Dr. Skelling Tone exclaimed, his bones shuddering in empathy.

"It is rather troublesome, Dr. Skelling Tone, but it seems that we have taken a wrong turn after ToyLett Town going into Hallway Down, Mr. Raggard Dei here being reluctant to ask for directions." Miss Lay Dei explained, glaring slightly from the corner of her eyes at Mr. Raggard Dei who hung limply in her hand. He looked rather sorry.

"Well, have no fear, my dear, dear Miss Lay Dei. For I am a doctor! And I will give you directions! Where, pray tell, is it that you are heading towards?" Dr. Skelling Tone threw out his arms in another grand gesture.

Miss Lay Dei stared at where Dr. Skelling Tones bony feet did not touch the ground, her small features set into a frown.

"We were heading for the RedBoom before we lost our way."

"Oh, but the RedBoom!" Dr Skelling Tone exclaimed.

"Can you help us, Dr. Skelling Tone?"

"Why, I do believe I can, Miss Lay Dei! You are now in the Clow Zet and the RedBoom is not that far away. All you have to do is take four, three steps left till you get back to where you started, look up and you will have found yourselves before the RedBoom gates," Dr. Skelling Tone grinned, empty eye sockets dark with glee.

"Oh thank you, Dr. Skelling Tone. You have been of such help. Mr. Raggard Dei and I are very grateful," Miss Lay Dei exclaimed. Mr. Raggard Dei bounced hand in hand with Miss Lay Dei with joy. 

"It is a pleasure to be of service Miss Lay Dei." Dr. Skelling Tone bowed again, vertebrae clacking.

Miss Lay Dei curtsied in reply.

"Before I take my leave for the RedBoom, may I ask you one question Dr Skelling Tone? Disregarding this one of course." inquired Miss Lay Dei as she straightened from her curtsy.

"You may, my dear Miss Lay Dei."

"You are a doctor are you not, Dr. Skelling Tone? But what is that a doctor are you of?"

Dr. Skelling Tone laughed, a whispery timbre, like wind through bones.

"A simple doctor Miss Lay Dei. I am but Dr. Skelling Tone of the Clow Zet and it was a pleasure to meet you."

Miss Lay Dei smiled, Mr. Raggard Dei bounced, and Dr. Skelling Tone grinned his skull grin.

"The pleasure is all mine."

and he laughed, a whispery timbre, like wind through bones

akunona

NONA'S NOTES : I don't need to point out anything I think, since this is about as subtle as a flaming brick through your window. Grammar and I had a divorce recently. As you can see, it's very messy.

Just a random composition centered around a random doodle. Objects may appear closer than they seem.

and what which does not kill you

Ohisashiburi desu.

Hello. It has been a long time since my last entry. I am in fact very much alive.  A little bit worn down at the edges but still, breathing, living, making what I can make of it.

I'm sure you've heard but I am right now in Jakarta doing my Surgery and Anesthetics posting. Wonderful, because I am in Jakarta. Saves a bit in the house rent division, which is then all lost in the transportation expenses, because what ever you say, my dear providers, what ever you give me is not enough. Nope. You can say all you want about the exchange rate being in our favor or something some such, but living in Jakarta costs as much as living in KL. Dreadful, because it's the Surgery and Anesthetics posting and I am not really that interested and the consultants are scary.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. All I've been doing recently is more to the Surgery part of it. We usually get the anesthetics part when we go into the OT. I've been to the wards, the A&E and next week, I'll be in the polyclinic. The week after that I'll be in the OT. I'm not looking forward to it. Nope. Not at all. No matter what you say, scary people are eternally scary.

I don't know. Right now I feel tired. I've been doing this coass thing without a break since May this year. It's December now. That's over half a year. I haven't had a break yet. Nor have any of my friends. We're all mostly tired. We want a break. We want to go home, back to Malaysia. To take a break, recharge our batteries. Remind ourselves why the hell we're doing this. Why we want to do this. Then get back to work. Maybe we'll be better after that. Maybe we'll work harder, study more. Do our best. Right now, like we Temerloh people say, "Koi dah tak rot."
A little melodramatic maybe, but that's the truth.

Going to work day in and day out, sometimes for 7 days a week, and that goes on for the next week too, and the next week, until you meet your one free Sunday after about a month or two weeks if you're lucky. Not getting paid but in fact paying, so you can come to work, learn, observe, get shouted at. Scrutinized until an inch of your life. Say the wrong words and they judge. Do the wrong thing and they whisper behind their hands.

It has come to the point that for the most part, I do not care anymore. I'll do what I can, and if that doesn't meet your expectations, tough luck. I've been called passive when I think I'm the one who's the most hands on. Sometimes the others got to the status before me, they write down the history and the physical, but that doesn't mean I didn't take the history too. That I didn't do the physical. I don't like that you said I was lazy when I think I've tried my best. Granted that maybe I can do more, but give me some time. I don't really like these assessments. And we have cases. I am oddly apprehensive. I have never liked doing cases. Never have. Never will. To me they are evil . Yes, I agree that they are necessary, doesn't mean that I have to like them. And can't the doctor at least designate a case? Because looking for one is such a pain. More so when you're restricted to the third class wards. The available cases aren't a lot you know.

Tomorrow, it's to work again we go. This is my first free Sunday. I'm luckier than most that I only had to work nonstop for two weeks before I met my first free Sunday. Don't really know for the next though. I think I'm not on call on Sunday morning next week, but I am on call on Saturday. Which does not count because by the time you get home it'll already be around 9 in the morning and a Sunday is defined by the ability to wake up late and not give a damn, then bury your face in your pillow and go back to sleep. Anyway, we'll have to reconfirm that later.

I don't know. It just feels dull. I love what I'm doing of course. I love what I'm learning, what I have learned, what I can do. But at the same time, I want a break. I need a break. I want to go home. *sigh*
A lot of things have happened I guess. I've grown up? I hope so. I'm still skema of course. But mostly for the things that count. And I can make allowances when I think they're appropriate. I still don't know if I'll make a good doctor. I hope I do. I hope I am. I want to help. You know what they say about going into the medicine for the money? That's bullshit of course. If you want to do Medicine for the money, don't be a doctor. Be instead, the drug company. Or the company supplying medical appliances. Doctors don't get the money. Not, at least, without the blood, sweat and tears, occasional mental break downs, fights, social awkwardness fail, and growing old enough that finally, finally you have seniority. I hate hierarchy by the way. But it exists.

So, Surgery and Anesthetics. I got to suture my first wound yesterday. Granted the guy was already dead so I didn't have to do all the necessary septic aseptic steps, and without local anesthetics or anything but it was, erm, fun? It was good for practice, the doctor on call said, so she gave me the chance to do it. Before you ask, let me explain, it's procedure at the hospital to suture the wounds even postmortem. So there. I was just glad I could do it. The end result wasn't as clean as I would have liked it though. It was my first try, I hope I get another chance soon. Actually piercing skin with a suturing needle isn't as easy as they make it look. Just so you know.

Anything else? You must realize that the topic jumps around like a bunny on crack after overdosing on caffeine, but I'll tell you what, I write this freely while my mind jumps. Into any topic. Whatever topic. There may have never been a topic to begin with. That's the best part.

Oh, and just so you know, my father came back from Taiwan some time ago, and bought me an Arashi "Beautiful World" CD. Haha. I had called him and asked for it as a joke actually. Never thought he'd actually go and buy it. I mean, if he did, then awesome. If he didn't, then I tried. But he did, and it's awesome. Not that I've seen it. I haven't been home in almost a year and work and everything. I mean, I can't believe he did actually. He calls any Asian boy band on television Arashi. They could be singing in Korean and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But anyway, thanks dad. :) I look forward to it when I come home.When ever that is.

Another thing about that thing. Will it happen? I don't know. I really don't know.

And congratulations to Furqan for finishing his SPM papers recently. Forget about the results for a bit. That's a story for another time. Right now, enjoy your holidays. There may come a time when you will never have a free day ever again.

And Happy (belated) Birthday to a certain someone. I don't think I'll ever forget you. You left too much of an impression. Don't worry though, it's not like how it was in the old times (it has been more than five years ago, surprising). You're just you. And I'm just me. You were kinda awesome. Just so you know.

So, enough for tonight's rambling. For what ever reason you find yourself reading this; may you find it entertaining, as I have found it fun to waste an hour writing on and off while putting of studying for a while. Maybe I'll do something productive. I don't exactly guarantee anything. Just as I don't guarantee this long composition has any contents.

Good night

may kill you yet

akunona

We want a cure for procrastination! When do we want it? Tomorrow!

I should actually be getting ready for work. But life is defined by the things we procrastinate. Humhaa

Last week at Simpangan Depok. I have Surgery and Anesthesiology at Husada next. On the plus side, I don't have to rent a new room because Husada is relatively near. You know, in the way two bus route changes and having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn is near. Ah, things we co-ass do to get to work where we are treated lower that that rag you have there under your feet. Fantastic. Moan and groan, moan and groan. But then I realize, I really love doing this stuff. Not like. Love. Then everything is fine, rinse and repeat. Because damnit Medicine.

How's life nowadays? Doing dine. Being rather free since I finished my theory exam last Thursday and my physical exam exam Monday. We're really just laying around. We still do follow ups, presenting patients during rounds, running to get labs, being on call and all that stuff though. But having sat through the exams brings a false sense of freedom. Not really, because like I said,we're still working. Anyway, holding the pediatric neurology file this week. For the last time. And it's a really awesome case though. Complex Febrile Seizure with history of seizure without fever. Pretty interesting but only to me apparently.

Apparently that person thinks that my siblings and I aren't mad at her because when we came to her house during raya a year ago, we weren't angry.

She apparently expected us to act like uncivilized children and scream her eardrums out or bash her head in using the trowel. Maybe I'll take her up on her offer. You know. Bash her flat screen with my bare fists, possible major injury be damned. But then a again, I am a civilized person. So maybe I'll just kick her kid when she's not looking. Or maybe not. That's just my emo talking. Anyway, lets all put our hands together, and bash a hole in the wall.

I have issues as you can probably tell.

Okay. So enough of that. Lets just get ready for work and face the day with a smile. while inside, a house is burning, the ashes falling like black, black snow and the smell of burning wood will be invigorating.

What the hell is with guys and damsels in distress anyway? I don't get it. Must I act like some victim to get a guy's attention? Please, tell me.

oh dear, i am so weak and need protection, what ever shall i do

akunona

there maybe issues that need addressing but damnit. I'll be okay soon

just wanted to draw shit

and also add some deformed flies to the mix

Hi. My life. Bye.

akunona

no kidding

pick me

Nearing the end of Pediatrics posting. We're smack dab in the middle of the eighth week, and two of us have already presented their exam cases. It's all random and such. But I kind of regret not volunteering earlier. Because it's not me this week. Haha. There's an in joke going around that I have suicidal tendencies. At least, that's what we call volunteering for exams. Yeah. Anyway.

The others thought that I would be picked first, being smart and all. I didn't exactly think so, but I wouldn't have said no if she had asked me to present first. Though you can't exactly say no, but you get my point. I still have no idea if I have any idea in pediatrics. There have been some really interesting cases and all but those are generally aren't used for exams. Besides, that patient's due home tomorrow and this week's quota of genocide (a.k.a exams) have already been filled. It's a ten month old baby with bronchopneumonia and a congenital heart defect, though for diagnostic purposes, that should be reversed. They've been making jokes about that incidently, saying that he's my exam patient because I'm smart and all that. But if he were to be my exam patient then my exam score can only be an A or an E. At least, that's what my specialist's been saying. She can be rather sadistic. And oddly enough, I can joke around with her. Not like what the seniors have been saying. She's been rather nice. Thank god. InsyaAllah. Let her good mood continue until the end of our posting here.

Anyway, I'm hoping to be picked for exams next week. If you happen to read this, pray that it's me. Not because I have suicidal tendencies, no, I'd just like to get this over with. Sure it's all fun having apparently more time to study, but the waiting's hell on my sympathetic system. Oh, and pray I do well too. If you can. Because I'm sure you're awesome like that.


On call today, as I am every two days. Yay to Coass life being so freaking awesome. Love you and all that mushy stuff. Better go back to studying pediatrics. Because damnit, next week could be me. I hope it is.

say the what

akunona