During my last week at Simpangan, my doctor, who was in charge of us there, told me something. He told me that I had to be strong. I had to be strong because I had to be the "back bone". He didn't say back bone per say, he used a different word, an Indonesian word : Jangkar. He said it meant something like the last wall. The last hope. Someone who people can go to for help. Something like that.
He told me that I am a leader. He said I have what it takes to lead a group. I may not do everything, but I make sure that what needs to be done, is done. If it isn't then I'm the type to do it myself. I pick up after people. Tidy the edges, make it neat, as it is. Get it done.
He taught me to make decisions. All of us had to make decisions regarding our patient's treatment, but he differed to me almost all the time. Even the most trivial questions like "Do we all have to go in on Saturdays". He taught me to consider every aspect, and take the consequences, if they are any.
He told me that I have a sense of responsibility that exceeds my own well being. A trait observed when I fell sick twice but still took care of the patients I had, until what ends I could.
He told me I was smart. And not to waste that. He wanted me to learn. Study. Gain more. To go to the ends of knowledge and then some.
He told me I could be someone.
And all I needed was some polishing.
I've never had someone be so straight with me before. It was sort of embarrassing really. There are other things he told me along the weeks I was there. Among them being how I was a logical thinker but had a streak of imagination. A penchant for fantasizing. A very serious person, but I can still laugh. He asked me why I didn't laugh as much. Honestly, I don't know myself.
I don't know why I'm writing this here. Maybe because I've been thinking about this for some time. Basically, I've been thinking how I can achieve this. How I can be this. My mother said I'm most hard on myself. I have expectations for myself that are higher than even what anyone else expects of me.
But then, I think, is this really me? I'm normal. I'm below average. Can I do this? I only get anywhere because I almost kill myself to get there. I do this time and time again. Killing myself over and over again. There was once a time, when for class work, I ended up only sleeping 2 hours for a time span of two days. I have not heard of anyone around me going through such extremes to get their job done, and we're basically doing the same thing. And sometimes, when I think about it, I produce mediocre results compared to them. And they get more sleep than I do.
I want to achieve something. I want to be someone. But can I? Is this even the right path for me? Did I make the right choice leaving English for Science. For Medicine of all things. I love what I'm learning. But do I see myself actually doing this?
I want to be a good doctor. I don't have to be super good at it. I just want that if a patient sees me, I can help them. I can make them feel better.
Lofty expectations? A reminder maybe. That there is something to work for. No rest for the terminally ambitious.
So get of the net and go back to doing your presentation slides, bitch.
slightly thinky
akunona
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