can anyone describe this feeling

Rather melancholic sounding title, non? Ignore it, I've been reading romance laced stuff. It's making me melancholic. Though I'll never admit it out loud. Because romance just doesn't go with the image I've been cultivating. Of which I am only vaguely aware of. That is not really that important anyway. I have self-esteem issues, ok? So what?

So, this year, I'll be spending my lebaran holidays right here in Jogja. Inevitable, what with only being allotted two days holiday and having to be on call at the polyclinic just before and after Raya, and the echoing recesses of my bank account. Like I said, it is sadly, inevitable. I've already bought my Baju Raya though :). Maybe some time during raya, I'll post pictures. Mira will be going back to Jakarta so, that pretty much leaves me here alone. Oh, but next week a couple of Malaysian seniors will be coming on Sunday. We'll see. Whatever happens anyway, I want to go out on Raya. Anywhere. Just out. So I won't end up thinking crap. And crying. But mostly thinking crap.

I had a sort of stupid idea this morning while I was taking a bath. Maybe if I opened a business in translating journals for my friends? Though, since I'm a coass myself, commissions taken will have to take note of what posting I am at the time and if I have any time at that time. The amount of commissions taken will rely on the current conditions. Payment will be per page, I think. Extra charge if the article is amazingly technical. No pay back guarantee if your counselor laughs at your (my) translation, because dammit word choice is really difficult. And you still have to reread it so that the gist of what the article is about. I'll only translate it. Explaining the whole thing is entirely up to you.

Well, I can dream. I don't really have the time anyway.

I had a dream the other day where I was a spy who had been made to lose my memories because of security reasons, but they were trying to make me remember because of some reasons. And my colleagues were Ryo-chan, Ueda, and Arashi were in there somewhere, and Shige. I may be starting to like Shige as well now. In a sort of annoying kind of like. Does that even make sense? It was an awesome dream anyway. Mostly for the Johnnies. Bet you already know that though.

A little touch of irony; in my ophthalmology book, in the chapter talking about short-sightedness (myopia), there is a sentence in the paragraph that is explaining steps to preservation of eyesight in young people to prevent further advancement of myopic symptoms, which reads
"Do not read too much". ... Ironic, rather.

What is that feeling when you're feeling irrevocably alone. And all you can do is laugh at yourself because you're being stupid. And you know, but you can't help but feel sad. And you feel kind of helpless. And you want to talk to someone. Just to talk. But you don't really have anything to talk about. And no one really, to talk to. And you sit down, and there's an empty feeling in your heart and you want to cry but you're not sad enough. You feel detached, apathetic, maybe melancholic... ....

probably indigestion

akunona

p/s: my sarcasm shall now be diagnosed as a defense mechanism by all those privy. Or maybe PMS. Who knows.