Who am I?
Really. I wonder myself.
I have so many masks. So many personalities. So many me-s.
Who am I?
I sometimes wonder where I stand in all this. I have a room full of friends maybe, a room full of acquaintances. And I feel like I'm just a person passing through.
Like I'm just passing by. Just looking.
Yes, I may take part in a conversation. Make a couple of jokes at my own expense. But am I part of this conversation?
I don't know.
I don't belong.
Are you really there?
I sometimes feel so alone.
Nobody gets sarcasm around here.
It just makes you want to scream. Probably cry a bit. And then bury it deeper in. So that you won't have to see it again until the next incident when something inadvertantly unearths all the trash.
Maybe your heart's rotten.
I don't know. I can't honestly bring myself to care that much.
I hurt people. I lash out.
And sometimes I think... that if I were to stick my arm out of the window in a speeding car and see how my bones break when it hits something...
Maybe then I'd understand something.
For such a big brain, I don't know anything. That's 1.5 kg-s of wasted space, yes?
It's just me being selfish. It's my way or no way at all.
You see people laughing and you wonder; why the heck isn't that you? You see people in love and you think; why the heck isn't that you?
You wonder what did you do wrong?
Then you bury all your doubts deeper, because honestly.... you don't need this.
So you talk trash, lying left, right and center. You put on a brave face. A facade.
So people don't know you.
And you don't know who you are anymore either.
And you feel a part of you die.
Once they said they talked behind my back. I said it was nothing. But sometimes, when I see them laugh, I wonder, are they laughing with me or at me?
Are they there?
It's you. It's all you.
Even you know that.
"I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match..."
~AkUNoNA~
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